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I'm on a mission to save the world! Or maybe just to find the perfect mac and cheese.
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Sunday, June 22, 2014

From 0 to "did I just do that?!" in 2.4 seconds

So, my last post was about horrific, uncontrollable energy. It sucks because I suddenly become the annoying one who never shuts up. Today is the complete opposite. I've got no energy at all. I'm even finding it difficult to write about.

Basic law of physics: what goes up, must come down. This is so true for me (I won't generalize all people with the disorder). But the thing is, I'm like a ball with a motor. I keep getting higher after I hit the ground, and the higher I get, the harder I fall. I can always count on my mood after a particularly bad day, and again after a particularly good day.

Fun example A: If I spend a day with a friend, and we're actually going out and doing things, not just sitting at home, I get a "high." I start to crash on my way home. By the time I get there (usually about 20 minutes), I'm in the pit.

Fun example B: I'll spend the next day crying on and off, wishing that I wouldn't simply die, but just cease to exist. Then, like magic, the next day I'm on a random road trip by myself and feeling like I can conquer the world.

Something that most people don't understand is that my thoughts are not my own. Since I was a kid, I've told people that my brain has a mind of its own. It's not like I hear voices, I just get feelings and thoughts that aren't necessarily mine. I tend to believe that, since Bipolar Disorder is an actual brain anomaly rather than a chemical imbalance, I can have multiple thoughts and feelings simultaneously. But, that's just my own belief. Don't go quoting me on that.

The really fun thing is that my thoughts are so scattered and disorganized that some people have a hard time keeping up. If you ever watched Gilmore Girls, you kind of know what I'm talking about. Someone will say something, and it'll spark a chain of events in my head and I'll wind up saying something out of left field.

Fun example C: Someone will mention Matthew Perry and I'll start singing Highway To Hell. Why? This... Matthew Perry --> Perrie Edwards --> Edward Scissor Hands --> Hands of Heaven --> Heaven is a Place On Earth --> Earth, Wind, & Fire --> Fires of Hell --> Highway To Hell. And all that happens in about half a second.

So basically today I'm a barely breathing drone with a rocket with thoughts running thru my head. On the bright side... I have Nick Santino's new album. Man I love my repeat button!

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