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Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Trust me

Ok... so I've talked before about how I'm always the "good friend" and how I'm tired of it. This is still true, but I hear people say the same things I've complained about (nobody calls in, always making the invitation. etc.), and they don't seem to mind too much. This boggled my mind! How could it not bother someone?! Then I realized, maybe they're not the exception, but the rule.

I took some time to think about why this would bother me so much, and I hit a massive epiphany today while working with a group of kids. One girl was all alone, and when I asked her where her friends were, she looked down and said, "they don't want to be my friends anymore." About half an hour later, they were all together and looked like they were having a good time. It hit me like a cement truck that this little girl is exactly like I was.

I posted about the bullies and the ringleader who made it her life's goal to make my life miserable, but it wasn't just her/them. Some of my friends played some very cruel jokes on me. One time, a couple of them apparently got into that (insert demeaning adjective here)'s thumb. They asked me to come play, and when we got a couple houses down, that (insert demeaning adjective here) came out of hiding. The two other girls held me tight while that... you get the point... twisted my arm and said, "I wonder how far until it breaks."

I guess after that, I just don't trust anyone, and when someone doesn't put forth the effort, I see it as a betrayal as bad as that day. Don't get me wrong, I have some amazing friends who text and whatnot a lot! If a day goes by where we don't talk, a couple will say, "I'm so sorry for being such a bad friend!" Sweet pea... you're not a bad friend!

Back on topic... So I have trust issues. Explains a lot. Yay personal epiphanies...

This video means the world to me. I just wish it had be around 20 years ago. Please share this!

Monday, September 22, 2014


"When are you going to get married?"

I swear, the next person to ask me that with the ever present "Utah tone" is going to get an earful. Here, the norm is for girls to be married no later than age 21, and guys, no later than 23. Even those ages are pushing it. Well, here I am, almost 28 and 100% single. No boyfriend, not even a date.

I've heard the "when?!" so often that I've come up with a few sarcastic responses.
"When my type of love is deemed legal."
"When your son asks."
"As soon as he beats this murder wrap."
And a few less than G-rated responses.

Anyhow, sarcasm aside, I've been thinking about why I can't keep a relationship, and I think I may have a few theories.

1~ Men are stupid- I said awhile ago that I don't make a good first impression, and well, it's still true. Guys see the freak on the first date and don't give me enough of a chance to be a real person.

2~ Who would want to?- There's a song I've loved since it came out called, Absolutely (Story of a Girl) by Nine Days. One line says, "How many lovers would stay just to put up with this shit day after day?" (Pardon the language) This is how I feel. Who would really stick around with all my moods?

3~ Maybe I'm not really ready- I'm still incredibly immature and like having my alone time. When I do start communicating with a guy, I think of it more as a chore than something fun.

Anyhow, this has just been annoying me for a long time. Feels good to get it off my chest.

Here's the official video to Absolutely (Story of a Girl) from YouTube (which apparently doesn't show up on some mobile phones, so try a computer).

Friday, September 19, 2014

Hulk Mad!

Do you ever think to yourself, "I'd love to punch that moron right in the face?" Well, for me, it's a pretty common thought. I never really thought anything of it, but I was talking to my therapist the other day and she suggested that I may have some anger issues. I wasn't all too surprised after I thought about it, honestly.

We talked about why and some things came up about that group, specifically that one girl,  who bullied me all thru school. With that, I learned pretty quick to hold things in, but I over did it. I've held everything in for years. I've learned that this is a bad thing (duh!) because when I get even slightly angry, it doesn't stay level. I implode. I start to shake and basically act like Ray from Rainman. All agitated and antsy.

But it's not just that (insert demeaning expletive) that I'm angry at. I feel like I drew the short end of the stick. I got landed with a disorder that is so overwhelmingly painful that I can't hardly hold a job, boyfriend, or social life. On top of that, I've got the anxiety and a whole list of medical things. I feel like I got screwed in life and most of the time, I can't think of one single thing I have that's good.

A few days ago, I heard a woman give a speech about how she feels like she got screwed on talents. All her family and friends have these amazing talents like singing, dancing, crafts, and she had nothing. Then someone pointed out to her that she always knows just what to do to help someone, no matter the situation. That's how I feel most of the time. But when I actually think about it, growing up, I was on a dance team that usually took first place, I was second chair in an orchestra that every high school student in the district could audition for, and now, people all over the world are reading the words I write.

That last one is the most amazing thing to me! All my life, I've felt like I had no voice; like I was silenced somehow. This blog is my voice, and I'll keep talking as long as people keep listening.

Monday, September 15, 2014


I just want to take a minute to say thanks!

Periodically, I look at my stats (how many views today, where from, etc.), and I've gotten quite far spread, I think! I've got loads in the U.S., but I've also got South Korea (thank you, love!), Poland, France, Austria, and Germany! This is crazy! I love it! Seriously, if it weren't for you all, this would have ended after one or two posts. I just hope that my scattered thoughts and words are helping at least one of you.


Friday, September 12, 2014


You are hereby cordially invited to bite me.

I've been a bit emotional lately and I've been catching a lot of fire for it. I think I've said before that, when I get emotional, I say things I mean and those things aren't really what people want to hear. My latest rant has been on friends vs. "friends." Not quite sure what I mean? Allow me to enlighten you.

When I hear "I'll Be There For You," I think of the TV show "Friends." When I hear "Follow You Down," I think of a lot of people in my life. Part of it goes, "Any where you go, I'll follow you down. I'll follow you down, but not that far." I've had almost every one of my Facebook friends express support in my decision to go public with my illness, which is amazing, but support in the illness itself is pretty hard to find.

So, when it came to saying what I mean this time, I called out some people who never call/text/whatever and expect me to always be the one to make invitations. This infuriates me, as it is; but it gets worse. When I (as usual) call to make plans, it winds up that I end up at someone's house, pretending to enjoy watching the helicopter moms give constant, undivided attention to the spoiled brats, or force a polite laugh at things found online. Obvious stick: I didn't come over to be ignored.

So, as I'm pointing this out, I get a comment that (paraphrased) I go onto Facebook looking for a pity party. Oh, I'm sorry. Did my mental illness get in the way of  puppies, sunshine, and denial of your own? News flash: I'm in pain that you can't even imagine. Don't you dare try to tell me what I feel/want/need!

Story: I have a friend who, a few years ago, I stopped talking to. I hadn't been diagnosed and didn't really know why I felt the way I did. Why did I stop talking to him? Because I was immature, and he told me one day that I was "too much drama." Now, it's different. He seems to understand without saying anything. Tonight, I put on my Facebook that I was feeling lonely. I don't know if he saw this or not, but he texted me this ridiculous picture that made me smile.

I yelled at him, I insulted him, and he still talks to me. That, ladies and gents, is a friend. Not to say that he's the only one (they know who they are), but he's on my mind at the moment.

Moral of the story: I don't say anything I don't mean, and I mean that I've been hurt. If you want me to be a good friend, you've gotta be one, too.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Time Out

As a kid, time-out was a punishment. Now it's desperately needed.

So, when I'm around people too much, it really starts to wear on me. The more people around, the faster it wears. I've never been good at dealing with stressful situations. Working retail is a nightmare. Especially when I'd get one of those super cranky people who took out their mistake on me. But the thing that irks me most: rush hour traffic.

Ok, so I went into the city today to see some friends. It takes me about 20 minutes to get there and about the same to get back. Well, today I managed to hit the 5 o'clock rush and let's just say my car horn got a workout. If there's one thing in the world I absolutely have zero tolerance for, it's self-centered people. You know the type. Maybe you are the type. Who knows? Anyhow, the ones who go straight through the turn lane just so they don't have to wait in line. The ones who block the intersection because they were too wrapped up in themselves to stop where they should have. And my personal favourite: the ones who just about take you out because, "two feet between you is enough for me to fit, right?"

The absolute worst part of all this: I come home and take it out on the nearest person. But today, I set a milestone. I left and went to hide in my sanctuary (and whine to you lovely readers).

Oh! Oh! OH!!! I forgot to mention what I learnt! I went to the library and found the DSM-IV (that's a 4, not just the letters i and v) and looked up Bipolar Disorder. I found all the qualifications for the different types and states and found out that everything I've been told and believed was wrong! I've never been in a hypomanic state. I get full-blown mania! Yay for self-education! I encourage every one of you to find a DSM either IV or V. It has diagnostic tools for everything from minor depressive episodes to schizophrenia to personality disorders. It's everything. It's used by psychology students and psychology Ph.D.

Traffic sucks. Nick Santino makes it better.


I'm not in a particularly fantastic mood today, so I'm gonna post some jokes. Who knows. Maybe that'll spark something inside me to make a real post.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks if he wants anything. Rene says, "I think not," then disappears.

How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

There are two types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar... followed by Batman.

I'm thinking of selling my Theremin. I haven't touched it in years.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

So, nothing came to mind. Oh well. Hope these made you smile!

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Do Ra Me Fa So La Ti...

"Music hath charms to soothe a savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak." ~William Congreve

Anyone who knows me, knows I love music so much that it verges on codependent. I'm always listening to something. I've always believed that quote, and usually what I listen to can change my mood or enhance it. When I'm down and want to pull out of it, I can put on Hot Chelle Rae or One Direction (judge me, but it works!), or when I'm bouncing off the walls, Lorde or Haim will do the trick. Not to say they're depressing, it's the beat and melody that do the trick.

Anyhow, I don't know one single person who doesn't have at least one song that they take very personally. A line, verse, chorus, or the whole thing. Well, thanks to having a billion different sides of me, I've got quite a few of those personal songs and I'd like to share parts of some of them.

Breaktown (Hanson)
Are you ready to lose?
Are you ready to win?
Well I've been losing for so long
I can't begin

Unwell (Matchbox 20)
Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why


But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me
Iris (Goo Goo Dolls)
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Let It Go (Idina Menzel from Disney's 'Frozen')
I don't really need to post any lyrics here since I'm pretty sure everyone on the planet knows this by now. But, not to be cliché, this is the song that gave me courage to start this blog and tell people about my illness. Seeing Demi Lovato do this song was inspiring as well.

There are so many more, but I don't want to make this too long and I can talk about music all day. No exaggeration.

"I'm a musician. I can Handel it."