I have no idea what's happening to me. Since that thing I'm forced to call "sister" moved back in, things I've worked on quite a bit are reversing and new things are popping up that I don't understand. I'm loads more angry, I'm breaking down three to four times a week, and my anxiety is always on red alert.
A couple of nights ago, she went out, leaving just my parents and me at home (the way it should be). It was like the world was right for the first time in a while. I was genuinely smiling, laughing, and just happy! When she's here, I suddenly hate myself, have no hope, and get dangerously close to ending my life.
My mom asked what the problem was- why I can't handle my "sister" being here. I still have no answer. I don't understand why my brain is reacting so strongly. I mean, my "sister" has never been a real sister. My parents even admit that she thinks about herself first, her friends second, parents third, and somewhere down a long line of people she'd rather associate with (like drug dealers and con artists) before me. She made it very clear, growing up, that she wanted nothing to do with me. I couldn't have the same shirt, same toys, I couldn't even like the same music.
She moves in here, whines about the same things every day, can't decide what she wants to do, says one thing and does another, but the biggest problem is: she comes in here after eight years of not living here and knowing what's going on, and judges me. I have a mental illness that , lately, I am understanding less and less. She sees some of my (increasingly) weird behavior and makes her own, narrow-minded assumptions that make her look even dumber than I thought, and make me angry.
Side note: I can say whatever I want because she doesn't care enough to read this.
Tonight is my ten year high school reunion. I live at home, can't get, let alone keep a decent job, I haven't been in a relationship in nearly eight years, and I have no foreseeable successful future. Today is just awesome...
"Welcome To My Life"~ Simple Plan
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