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I'm on a mission to save the world! Or maybe just to find the perfect mac and cheese.
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Monday, November 30, 2015

I'm Tired

I'm not always perky, happy, or optimistic. People can't seem to understand that. Every now and then, I'll point out on Facebook that people support those with physical illnesses they didn't ask for, so why can they not support someone with a mental illness they didn't ask for. I suddenly get some understanding and empathy from my friends and family. Well... for about three days until they forget and say that I'm always being down or pessimistic.

What really annoys me is when people point out that my posts are getting "happier." Do you not understand what Bipolar means? I go up, I go down. I can't control it. It makes me feel bad when someone will only comment on my "happy" posts. The "bi" in "Bipolar" means two. Two poles: Manic and Depressive. My biggest pet peeve is when people try to tell me how to "fix" myself. No, my moods aren't caused by thyroid issues or a vitamin deficiency. My moods are caused by my brain. Is your diabetes caused by your lungs?

The truth is, I'm fighting a battle every second of every day. You can't see it, but that doesn't mean it's not there. I'm in the middle of a battle that I will ultimately lose unless I hit back harder than my brain does. I need a support system of friends, family, a therapist, and medication to make it through each day. When someone tells me that they don't like my depressed posts, it's like they're not accepting every part of me. How can I trust someone who only likes half of me?

I'm tired.

I'm tired of fighting.
I'm tired of the pain.
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep.
I'm tired of emotions taking control.
I'm tired of feeling worthless.
I'm tired of being afraid.
I'm tired of the endless pills.
I'm tired of knowing I'm sick.
I'm tired of having to make excuses.
I'm tired of feeling nothing and everything all at once.
I'm tired of worrying.
I'm tired of holding back.
I'm tired of keeping secrets.
I'm tired of feeling like a burden.
I'm tired of disappointing people.
I'm tired of being judged.

2 comments:

  1. I had this problem. So I deleted everyone who I wouldn't feel comfortable saying "I'm sad, can I come and be miserable near you for a while please." Everyone who didn't fit in that category I just stopped trying with, in person and online, and I feel so much happier about myself for it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I had this problem. So I deleted everyone who I wouldn't feel comfortable saying "I'm sad, can I come and be miserable near you for a while please." Everyone who didn't fit in that category I just stopped trying with, in person and online, and I feel so much happier about myself for it.

    ReplyDelete