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I have found the world's best mac & cheese!
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Wednesday, September 28, 2016


So I found out that my teacher read my blog... Awkward...

The result of him reading my blog was different than I would have imagined though. He wasn't upset or offended at the post about him, he was concerned about me because of my post telling y'all how alone I felt.

Bad segue in 3... 2... 1...

I've been pretty open about my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder lately and it's been quite a relief. I mean, yes, there are those who still get all freaked out, but there are also those who understand best they can and are interested in what I have to say. But no matter their reaction, it's a load off my chest and I feel like I can really be open. I mean, I'm not going around just telling people, but when they find out about my blog, they'll ask and I'll answer.

This has sparked a fire in me to be more attentive to my other diagnoses as well. I'm not sure if I've ever told you lovelies about every one of them, but here they are:
  1. Bipolar Disorder 1 with rapid cycling
  2. Social Phobia
  3. Generalised Panic Disorder
  4. PTSD
I used to have social anxiety on the list, but that was taken away once the finalised social phobia thing came around.

Anyhow, the more open I am about it, the less ashamed I am by it. I'd encourage everyone to be a little more open with it. We can't end stigmas until people see the real faces of mental illness.  

Monday, September 26, 2016

I'm In Math Class

I should probably  be paying attention to class...

I'm sitting here at school and I just had the inkling to write a post. Basically I wanted to thank everyone who stood up and told me that my blog affects them. I've got friends who aren't even affected by mental illness who read every post. They never "like" it or anything, but they've told me that they like reading my posts.

I even had one stranger on Twitter tell me that my blog is important.

I guess I just feel like nobody really cares because I don't get comments. It's hard, you know, to put your heart and soul into something and get little to no feedback. I guess I'm going to just have to accept that some people are too afraid to comment or simply have nothing to say. Yes, it annoys me that other blogs get hundreds of comments and mine has less than fifty on all my posts combined, but I'll just have to deal with my lovelies who read silently.

Well, not "deal" with you lovelies. I appreciate every single view. Lately I've been getting nearly a thousand views per day. Y'all are going to crack fourteen thousand this month. That's a new record.

I know I say this a lot, but thank you. I would have quit years ago if it weren't for you.

Sunday, September 25, 2016


How bout no?

So I had my therapist write a letter listing reasonable accommodations at school. It basically says that I'm not to do oral presentations. I can either do a different assignment or do an oral presentation one-on-one with the professor. Reasonable, right? Not according to one of my professors.

I handed him the sheet from the disability coordinators stating these accommodations and he said, and I quote, "you'll be fine." Excuse me?! Do you know me? Do you know what anxiety is? Do you know anything

After class, I went straight back to the disability coordinators and told them that this teacher wasn't going to accommodate me. They were less than pleased. They said they'd talk to the professor and remind him that he legally has to accommodate me.

I instantly lost all respect for this man the second he told me I'd be fine. If there's one thing you don't do, it's tell someone with a mental illness that they'll be fine. Do not assume what you do not understand.

As a person with a disability, I am protected under the Americans With Disabilities Act (ADA) and I have the right to accommodations at school and work which allow me to succeed. If this professor refuses to accommodate me, he's breaking a law. 

Know your rights in your country. It'll take you far.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Going, going...

This is likely my last post. I get very little feedback and it seems like nobody cares anyhow. Nobody ever shares on Facebook, rare are the retweets, and even more rare are comments. 

My goal when I started this was to both educate people on the realities of Bipolar Disorder, and possibly help people feel not so alone. It seems I have failed in at least one of these things.

I'm a simple girl. I don't require loads of attention. Once in a while, though, it would be nice to be appreciated. I made a group on Facebook where people could come ask for advice, tell stories, and ask questions. Ninety-nine percent of what is posted there is me.

I guess I was hoping to connect with people through my blog, but all I've achieved is gaining real knowledge that I am, in fact, alone.

I'm alone in my good times, alone in my bad times, and alone in my illness.

If I have affected you at all through my words,  I beg you, stand up and say something. Make me believe I'm worth something.

Sunday, September 18, 2016


I have no words!

You lovelies have completely blown me away! I used to get up to three thousand views each month, but the last few months, that number exploded! Y'all got me up to eleven thousand in July and at least eight thousand since!

We're almost to sixty thousand all-time views! I seriously can't thank you enough!

Thank you for all the shares and recommendations! Thank you for continuing to read! This whole thing would have ended a long time ago without you!

Thank you!

Thursday, September 15, 2016

First Day

Told ya.

School started yesterday. So that's a thing now. From finding a parking spot to the end of my third and final class, I was overwhelmed. Stress isn't good on anyone, but add mental illness to the mix and you're bound for a bad day.

I found out that even though I go to the school instead of online classes, everything is still done online. All my homework, instructions, everything. I'm a techno idiot. I know how to check my email, Facebook, and blog. Other than that, you can forget it.

I dropped faster than a falling star when I got home and I'm sure I was less than pleasant to be around. I was depressed, I was tired, and I didn't want to talk much. I got online to try to figure out the stupid system I have to use for homework and just about threw my computer at a wall. Then I met up with my Thursday evening friend (it was Wednesday, I know. Deal.) but we cut it short since I could hardly keep my eyes open.

When I got home, I took my meds and went straight to bed. Ok, not straight away. I talked to my mom a bit about how stressful the day had been, then I went straight to bed. It was a quarter to nine and I didn't wake up until twelve hours later.

All I can say is that this better not be an every school day thing. I'm not particularly looking forward to tomorrow,  but I'll go anyway. "Give it the good college try" as they say. Prayers and good vibes are always welcome.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

My Nightly Battle

"To sleep, perchance to dream."

I've been having ridiculously vivid dreams lately and none of them have been good. I'll have screaming matches with someone or I see people dying in horrific ways. Either way, I wake up convinced that these things have happened. To give you an example of just how vivid these things are, I actually sat up in my sleep the other night.

I know vivid dreams come with the Bipolar territory, but this is just insane! Every. Freaking. Night! I'll wake up crying, hyperventilating, or incredibly angry, and you can forget about feeling rested. It's tiring to argue with someone when you're awake so just imagine doing it all night, every night. I'm about ready to give up on my downers and let myself get manic. At least then I'd be awake!

I honestly don't know what to do. I'm completely knackered, but I'm afraid to go to sleep.

I'm sure I haven't been the most pleasant person lately. I mean, who is when they're super tired? And I start school in the morning, so that's going to add to my stress levels and make me even more tired! How am I supposed to concentrate (I just spelled that wrong 3 times...) on what the professor is saying when I can hardly keep my eyes open? Worst part: I can't get caffeine on campus! Friggin Nazis!

Oh! I should tell you about a few nights ago...

I was lying in my bed, trying to get to sleep, when my head starts to spin. Not uncommon for me, but it kept going. It kept getting faster and faster, and with each spin came a horrifically loud noise that only I could hear. It sounded like a bullet bike driving right through my head. it only stopped when my brain wondered off into yet another bad dream (I don't want to call it a nightmare because they're not necessarily frightening). With the sound that came, it's needless to say I woke up with a headache.

I don't know exactly what causes these dreams, but I wish they'd return to Hell where they belong.

Quick note: I stopped doing songs because A~ I usually blog on my phone now, and B~ because nobody ever really said anything about them. If y'all want them back, just let me know.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Going Nowhere Fast

Stop and go, stop and go.

Have you ever been stuck on the freeway in rush hour traffic when you're slowed even more by construction or a wreck? Annoying, isn't it? You stop and go and get up to maybe ten miles per hour. Then there are the times where you really get going and you think it may be over, so you get your hopes up just to have them smashed when you see brake lights in front of you.

This is me right now. I'm still mixed, but there are tiny rays of normalcy that pop in every now and then. I felt good for ten whole minutes today, so I got my hopes up. Down they crashed as I started to feel every emotion known to man swimming through my head once more. 

It's draining. Wanting to cry, laugh, scream, and party all at the same time drains me both emotionally and physically. I'm tired. This is one fight that just may get the better of me if it doesn't end soon. 

I start school next Wednesday, and I'm scared that this episode won't be over before then. Worst part is that I have no idea what to do for it. My meds are stable now and I've been dorking out with Harry Potter movie marathons, but I just don't feel any better. 

If you pray or drink, make it for a better tomorrow.  

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Drive Me Mad

I drove six hundred miles in two days.

I went to visit my friend in St. George who I haven't seen in about four years. I was super excited so I, naturally, didn't sleep. Then, all the excitement of actually seeing her and being able to talk to her made me not sleep the next night.

Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but not sleeping like that means a spiral up for me. This wouldn't have been so bad, but it didn't go all the way up. I stopped at half way between and now I'm in a mixed episode.

But alas, this is no ordinary mixed ep. This, friends, is the worst one I've ever had. It's like my entire body is revolting against me. I feel it all down my arms and legs, in my oversized stomach, and even in my face. I'm antsy. I can't stop moving even though all I'd like to do is sit down and cry. Well... Cry and laugh at the same time. 

Anyhow, his lovely feeling made it so I had to come home to see my med manager. Imagine, if you will, driving three hundred miles while you're dealing with high energy and watering eyes that you couldn't focus even if they weren't tear-filled.

I feel really badly about leaving my friend after less than twenty-four hours, but I had no choice. This is nothing like anything I've ever dealt with and only my med manager can help. Well… I hope she can help. But for now, Harry Potter.