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Saturday, December 31, 2016

The Sixth Diagnosis

So I guess this is where I say "Happy New Year..."

My father has a real talent for making his wrongs against someone that person's fault. Like tonight. He was talking over me, not giving a rat's tush about what I was saying. Besides being irritated, I had to shout just to make sure he knew I was talking. He says to me, "You don't need to shout at me. Not a good idea." All this in possibly the most condescending, demeaning tone you've ever heard. So I said, "You weren't listening, so yes, good idea." He refused to listen to me yet again and still believes I was in the wrong. 

I've known for years that my father in an undiagnosed narcissist, but the ironic part is, he's an insecure narcissist. He'll take any slight against him as though he doesn't understsand why. Like now. I'm angry with him and he has exactly zero idea why.

I've gotten several books on how to deal with narcissists, but I suppose I actually have to read them for them to do any good. So that's my new goal. I'm going to finish at least two of my narcissist books this year. I'd say all of them, but I'm also trying to finish Harry Potter and a series by Janet Evanovich/Lee Goldberg (Fox and O'Hare. Great books!).

So basically, my extremely limited ego gets shot down by a man who supposedly cares for me. The ting is, when I'm stroking his ego, like listening to him tell me the same boring story for the millionth time, he's fine, but as soon as I try to get him to acknowledge me and my issues, he's got no idea what to do. 

Fun example: a few nights ago,  I asked him to stay up with me because I didn't want to be alone. He proceeded to tell me every aspect of his flashlight (it's tactical. Ooh...). Then he downloaded a flashlight app on his phone. He then proceeded to play with it. All the while, I'm sitting there, patiently listening. When I finally get too overwhelmed to take it anymore and bring up that I feel like crap, he has exactly zero idea what to say. If it's not about him, he's lost.

So I'm dealing with basically six diagnoses. Five of my own and his. I can't keep doing this much longer. I'm going to lose it with him one day.

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