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Friday, February 22, 2019

The Narcissist

I’m beyond done.

As some of you know, I was raised by a Narcissistic father. He’s never been a dad. When I was young, I’d get angry and tell him to leave me alone. He’d laugh and mock me even when I was super small. 

As I grew older and developed more symptoms of my own illnesses, he took great joy in pushing my buttons then wonder why I was screaming at him. One specific memory come to mind...

I was in my early 20’s and hadn’t told anyone about my diagnosis yet. As usual, he pushed me to breaking point. Here comes the kicker... As I’m screaming at him, he keeps repeating, “You’re sick! You’re sick!” I picked up something heavy, prepared to throw it, and said, “Tell me that one more time.” He only backed off when my mom intervened.

Things he believes:
- He knows best. Doesn’t matter the subject or situation.
- He does nothing wrong. Ever. If you’re angry with him, it’s something you did, he’s just the victim.
- His opinion is the only one that matters.
- He’s always right. 

The list could go on, but you get the idea.

I stopped speaking to him almost 2 weeks ago. Not out of spite, out of self-preservation. I told my counsellor about this and she agrees that I need to distance myself while I try to find a way to coexist with him until I can move away. Honestly, there is never a way to coexist with a Narcissist. They take up too much space, if you get what I mean. That’s also why I hate when my sister comes over. One Narcissist is hard enough. Two is impossible. They feed off each other and it’s just an ego-stroking fest.

My mom is probably gonna not be too happy with this post, but it needs to be said. My mental stability is questionable, at best. I fight, not just my own illnesses, but his, as well. 

Bipolar Disorder is ugly, painful, and a general pain in the tush. Add on anxiety, social phobia, PTSD, and severe panic disorder and you’re in for a fun ride. I shouldn’t have to deal with him on top of all that. I honestly don’t know how long I can take it before I let him have a glimpse into my mind and what I think of him. I can rant with the best of em.

That’s all, folks.