One Step Back

Not bad, considering I’d gone a hundred steps forward; but still sucky.

A while ago, my med manager had to up my meds. I was on the max dose, but it wasn’t working. My med manager felt comfortable giving me a bit more, which I halved a bit later. It’s been working, and maybe a bit too well. I stopped the extra, about four or five days ago, and now I’m paying for it.

I felt it coming on this morning, but by three o’clock, I was ready to smash my head in with a mallet. **No, that is not a threat. All is well.** Anyone who has ever dealt with symptoms of Bipolar Disorder knows that there aren’t actual words to describe the feelings. We can come close with things like, agitated, irritable, or simply bah, but they don’t even come close to the way it is.

I went out to the store, with my mom, and that’s when it got really bad. Feeling like this, for me, is exacerbated by being around others. Going out in public, having visitors, or even going to see my friends is like giving meth to a sugar glider. It never turns out well. 

The way I feel is beyond words, and the way I want to act is far from appropriate. If I acted on my feelings, I’d be adding to the stigmas that I’m desperately trying to fight. I’d be yelling at everyone who annoyed me; I’d be darting around, changing subjects and ideas like said meth-filled sugar glider; I’d be digging my nails into my head and screaming, trying to make it stop. 

This behavior does nothing to create awareness around mental illness. It perpetuates the “Don’t shoot me, you mentally ill freak” stigmas that the media already spreads. It’s up to us, the real sufferers, to show the world that mental illness is not the same as evil. 

Being aware of your behavior, despite how you feel, can help you more than you think. It’s helped me understand myself, and given me back my self-control. I rule me; my brain does not! It’s not something I learned to do in one go, though. It took years to really be aware of myself. It’s a learning curve, and takes everyone their own time. There’s no time limit on learning. 

Do you, your way.

Pain Killers Suck

No. Just... no.

Yesterday, I went into surgery to get a couple screws removed. They were put in back in 2010, during the major surgery on my leg. These screws got to a point where, when they’d hurt, I couldn’t put weight on it at all, without severe pain. It was time to get them out.

When I woke up in recovery, I thought I was going to die! It hurt like mad! I could hardly breathe, it was so bad! As a result, the nurse, knowing my aversion to opioids, asked if I’d like something for the pain. I didn’t have a choice, because it hurt so bad, so I agreed to take a Percocet, and get half a dose of fentanyl. It didn’t kill all the pain, but it brought it down to tolerable. Kind of...

Opioids are uppers. Just the little I had in me, sent me into an eighteen-hour mania. I didn’t sleep at all, during the night. I did finally get sleep later, today, after the drugs were out of my system.

All I have to say is, I hate opioids. I see their need, but I can’t stand how they make me feel. I’m not in control of myself— they are. Bah!

Anyhow, today has been much better! I’ve had my ice pack on, the times I’ve been awake, and all I’ve had is a couple Tylenol. 

Random post.

Self Diagnosing

It’s dangerous. 

I’m watching a documentary on a missing person, who, in her blogs, said “I’m bipolar”. Again, nobody is bipolar! She continues to say that she found an antidepressant that was working for her. Yeah... anyone with actual Bipolar Disorder, or anyone who knows anything about it, knows that antidepressants make BD intolerable. It sends the sufferer into a spiraling mania, that gets dangerous. So, no, she didn’t have BD.

Thanks to the internet, there’s a ton of people self-diagnosing. Everything from thinking you’ve got COVID, when you actually have a cold, to thinking you’re dying from cancer, when it’s nothing more than a headache. I knew someone who self-diagnosed as having autism, based on a Facebook list of symptoms consisting of things like, being sensitive as a child, having an imagination growing up, and having a sensitive scalp. Ridiculous, as I dare you to find a child who isn’t sensitive, or who doesn’t have a vivid imagination. As for the sensitive scalp... It’s beyond common.

When you use the internet to diagnose your ailments, it does exactly no good, and causes you unnecessary stress. Always, always, ALWAYS see a professional, for any problems you’re having!!! Also, many times, it takes years to get a proper diagnosis. Why? Because your symptoms are going to shift, change, and morph as whatever’s causing you problems will also shift, change, and morph. 

You cannot look up something like Bipolar Disorder, look at the list of usually made-up symptoms, and say for certain that you have it. It’s a dangerous road, and often leads to even worse things.

In school, I knew a girl who insisted that she had BD, but she jumped from psychiatrist to psychiatrist, because they’d eventually say that she didn’t have it. When they told her differently, she’d find a new doctor, because, “He’s wrong”. Best part of it was when she started on lithium. It’s known that lithium can make you lose hair. However, it’s maybe ten more hairs per day, than you’d usually lose. She’d show up to school with systematically shaved lines, going farther and farther back, until she finally shaved her whole head. She did this to get pity and attention. Wanna guess which personality disorder craves pity and attention? Nah, I’ll just tell you... Borderline Personality Disorder! But she kept insisting that she had BD. I haven’t heard from her in years, and it makes me wonder if she’s giving up that disturbing dream of getting that diagnosis, or if she finally got the proper help.

If my point wasn’t clear enough...

Do not use the internet to diagnose yourself! No matter how much you think you know, you cannot properly diagnose something while looking inward. It takes someone on the outside, with the proper education and experience, to see what’s going on!

Deaf

Well this is just super fun...

As some may already know, I started losing my hearing in September, 2018, after I returned from a trip to the UK. Since then, my hearing has deteriorated to (R): severe/profound, and (L): moderate/severe. As much fun as it is, I have hearing aids, so it’s not all deathly silent.

Welp, I had to go have my aids adjusted, last week, and all I have to say is... Ed Sheeran at Wembley is quieter! It’s not like hearing aids make things clearer, at this stage of hearing loss; they simply make things louder. 

Imagine this: a blow horn, at max level, right next to your ear. It’s loud, it’s concussive, but you have zero idea what, if anything, anyone is saying.

It’s beyond painful. So, until I can get them tuned down, I’m on my own. My wrinkled brow, and constant “Eh??” are rather annoying to those trying to talk to me. However, fun fact: It’s much more frustrating to me, than it is for anyone else.

Since this started, back in 2018, I’ve had people legitimately tell me “You don’t look deaf”. Yeah, and you don’t look mentally deficient. My favorites are those who think that I should be able to communicate perfectly well with both the deaf and hearing communities. Another fun fact: One does not learn Sign Language by simply by going deaf, just the same as one cannot communicate with hearing people when they refuse to try talking to a suddenly deaf person. Many hearing people give up when they can’t make their points clear, and most deaf people exclude late-deafened because we’re “too hearing-minded”. 

Basically, late-deafened people are in their own community, which is much smaller than anyone realized. Yes, there’s ALDA, but their resources are slim, and not available everywhere. I live in a capital city, but there are zero ALDA groups, here. I have no idea why I wasted $30 to join them. To get emails about things way outside my area? No. 

If you’re late-deafened, do some serious investigating before joining ALDA. Make sure your $30+ go towards something you can actually  use.

Uncultured

Really? In this day and age?

Why is it that, when some expert or another, meets someone who finds no interest in that expertise, they feel the need to look down on them? Or, better still, when an expert meets someone with a different opinion!

Take, for example, an artist, or an art critic. 

A-“This painting was done by so-and-so, using this medium, and this technique, and is the best example of its age!” 

B-“I don’t care for it.”

A-“*GASP* You uncultured swine!”

So, just because this so-called expert thinks it’s great, that means everyone must like it? This goes for everything. Music, dance, food, home design... Literally everything is subject to personal opinion. Wanna take a guess whose opinion matters, when it comes to your preferences? Yours, and only yours.

Do you like the green couch? Buy it. Can you not stand the gross yellow color of those shirts? Fine. 

When it’s all said and done, no matter how many people have sneered at your home/fashion/food/whatever, as long as you like it, it’s perfect!

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I like what I like, and nobody’s going to bully me into thinking something different. I was relentlessly bullied for the music I like (still am, actually), but I still listen to it. I’m a die hard Hanson fan, have been since the beginning, and absolutely love where they’ve gone with their music! I also adore One Direction! Good music to dance to!

There was one instance where I allowed my “sister” and her husband bully me into putting a shrimp in my mouth. I very nearly threw up. I hate seafood! It smells gross, tastes gross, and has the most disgusting texture. This was a point of amusement for many when I went to England, but I swore that I’d never try it, ever again. The one and only time I submitted to peer pressure, and it taught me all the lessons I needed.

I’m always telling people, “do you, your way”, and I mean it. Not one single person on this planet deserves to not like, and be pressured into liking, anything. Everyone is also allowed to like whatever they dang well like! You are an absolutely unique person! Nobody else like you, on the planet! Even twins are their own person (to the dismay of many parents who like to dress them identically)!

Like I said...

Do you, your way!

Good Intentions

The road to Hell was paved with them...

I’ve got something to say to a friend of mine, but I’m actually afraid to. See, this friend is in a difficult situation, but doesn’t know it. Or should I say she doesn’t see it...

This friend is like a sister to me, and I’m afraid that, if I tell her exactly what’s on my mind, she’ll get super upset, and not talk to me, anymore. But it hurts me to see her go further down this path of darkness, when she really doesn’t have to.

As some readers know, I’m not typically one to keep my fingers tied. I’ve said some things that have hurt others— both necessarily and not. A lot of what I type is feelings, and how certain things and situations are seen, but there are facts, as well. Sometimes, these get meshed together into an emotional, fact-based post (such as my recent post titled “Useless”). These types of posts tend to be over-the-top with insults, and/or overly-dramatic appreciation. Either way, my words tend to have more of an impact than I intend.

I wrote what I’d say to her, in a note, but have reservations about sending it. It’s written straightforward, no prancing around the truth. This friend is one of the most understanding people on the planet, and even when I’ve been an absolute beast to her, she’s stuck by me. However, this isn’t about me— it’s about her, and how her situation is an absolutely awful one. 

I’m a fair writer, but what I mean doesn’t always come out in the nicest of ways. So, I call on you, my wonderful readers, to give me some advice. Should I send it? Should I not? Is there a better way to tell someone that their situation needs to change? 

Twitter readers, feel free to message me.

Facebook peeps, comments or private messages.

Many thanks!

I Repeat

Still a pet peeve of mine...

Recently, I’ve had two people tell me stories of bad behavior, and justify it by saying “they’re bipolar”. Let me make this perfectly clear...

NOBODY IS BIPOLAR!!!

Bipolar Disorder (usually shortened to simply, Bipolar), is a devastating disorder, which is much more difficult for the sufferer than it is for those around. 

Riddle me this: Would you say, “You’re Covid-19”? How about “You’re epilepsy”? No. You’d say “You have (insert illness of choice)”. Therefore, the unfortunate have Bipolar, we are not the disorder, itself.

Granted, there’s no “-ic” word to describe a person suffering with Bipolar Disorder, as there are for other diseases (diabetic, schizophrenic, hypochondriac, etc), but it’s still not alright to use mental illness justify poor behavior. It just perpetuates the stigmas that most of us are tirelessly fighting. Would you allow a person with a cold to treat you poorly? How about someone with cancer?

POOR BEHAVIOR IS NOT JUSTIFIED. EVER.

Yes, those of us suffering with this incredibly difficult disorder have a tendency to not always watch what we do and say, but, fun fact: Every single person on this planet, no matter their struggles and trials, has the option of keeping quiet, and/or striving to behave better than one’s mind would dictate.

Your personality cannot become one with your illness. You have to keep them separate, or people will identify you as your illness. Are you an illness, or are you a person?

AGAIN: STOP CALLING PEOPLE “BIPOLAR”, AND STOP USING IT TO JUSTIFY BAD BEHAVIOR!