Hum-bugged

Don't wear hearing aids. Stare at food. Don't punch anyone.

Happy Christmas to all of my lovely readers! Hoping you all have a wonderful day.

My Christmas is a disaster. I mentioned a while ago how my "sister" and her husband swindled my mom out of two thousand dollars for an unnecessarily extravagant laptop. I've mentioned a few times exactly how much I really don't like them. I'm pretty sure you're all tired of hearing about the useless narcissist I was forced to call "dad". Having all these... beings... in one place is going to drive me off a cliff.

Mr and Mrs Swindle are talking about how "We were going to do this, but didn't want to be creepy." Sooo.... instead of being helpful to someone in need, you decide to care more about your appearance, and what someone might think about you?

King Henry VIII told a story about a Jeep pulling its Ford out of some mud, and it emphasizes how IT wanted to give that driver a medal. This may not seem like much, but it's one very large piece of the narcissistic puzzle. 

The best part of this torture is the ego stroking. It absolutely FLIES back and forth between the three of them. Add on the fact that the two... males... both keep talking, at the same freaking time, because neither will concede control of the one-sided "conversation".

I can't deal with this. I can't stand these... beings... at the best of times. Get them together and my nerves are shot, my teeth are all ground down, and I'm ready to spit fire.

I grew up being told to stand up for myself, unless it's standing up to "sister" or "father". All I ever heard was, "Be nice" and "You need to apologize". Yeah... Where are the apologies from these two... things? Where's the validation that I'm not, in fact, their doormat?

If you've got someone who treats you like you're unimportant trash, never believe them when they say they'll change. They won't. They've been treating you like trash for years, and promises to change are empty. There's always the "honeymoon" phase, where they're nice and good, then the ball drops, and they double down on what they're doing to you. Abusers of all kinds are entirely incapable of treating you any other way. Remove them from your life. It'll hurt, thanks to them making you believe you need them, but realize you're worth so much more.

They won't change.

They can't change.

They don't care.

They can't care.

It's just who they are.

Time

Be here. Do this. Take that.

It's been said a million times, and I'll just add to it: there isn't enough time in the day. Between full-time work (going on six whole months, now!), doctor appointments, errands, and the extremely limited "me" time, I'm just done. 

A few weeks back, I lowered my Seroquel from 400mg to 350mg. There were a couple of really bad days, but overall, it's not bad. Weirdest part is that I'm sleeping better now. Anyhow, my moods are pretty level, considering the time since I lowered it, but I still get this awful feeling at the end of the day. Like, full-blown depression, with a smattering of "I'd like to punch you in the face" anger. Unfortunately, this lovely concoction of emotions pops its ugly head out at some inconvenient times. My poor mom is getting the force of it.

Today was odd, and tomorrow will be very similar. I took the morning off for a doctor appointment, and worked the six hours from noon unti, well, 6:00 PM. The darker the sky got, the darker my mood got. Bad enough that work was nonstop busy, but between people being people, and this foul mood of mine, I'm sure a few unsuspecting souls got a taste of it.

I'm trying desperately to lower my Seroquel to the lowest tolerable level, because I was recently diagnosed with insulin resistance, and Seroquel is known to have an effect on that. I've started to change the way I eat (being without a constant supply of Cheetos isn't helping my mood 😡), and I'm exercising more, but there's a long way to go. I'm round. I look like, if you took a bouncy ball, stuck toothpicks in for arms and legs, and added a Cocoa Puff for the head. A large part of that is genetic, but that won't stop me from trying my hardest to change it. 

I haven't written in a while, because I'm so done after work, that I simply don't want to. However, this blog is my catharsis. Talking about these things and emotions is helpful in treating them. I very much encourage everyone to have a catharsis. Write, clean, rant, sing... Just do something to get it out in a constructive way. I've got a whole list of "my life sucks" songs, if you find yourself in need. 

That's all.

Thank you for your time.

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