Unimportant

(Insert correlating opening line)

I am not important. I never have been, I never will be. Everything I think, feel, want, need, or say will be passed off as irrelevant. It always has been, it always will be.

Not that anyone cares, but I'm going to tell you what has brought this up. I've told you about my bully, my father, my sister, and how they treat me, but it's not just them. My mother will side with whoever I happen to be arguing with, even when she knows well and good that I'm right. She'll say "I know. I talked to (whoever) after." Fan-bloody-tastic. Where were you in the moment? When I needed you most?

Wanna know something funny? I've only got two friends who have never made plans with me only to cancel minutes before for a better opportunity. One lives in Korea and the other lives in Oregon. Not exactly close.

Not sure if I've said this before, but I was engaged when I was 21. I didn't like him, let alone love him, but I was 21 and it was expected. I was settling then and I'll wind up settling if/when I do get married. I'll have no choice but to settle for someone who is only with me out of obligation because I'm just that important.

I don't expect much from people anymore. Doubt anyone will even notice when I'm gone.

"Welcome To My Life"~ Simple Plan

Who Am I?

I am me, and I'm not sorry for that.

When I was growing up, my sister made very sure that I was nothing like her. I couldn't have the same shirt, shoes, I couldn't even like the same song. She shut me out of her life completely. Side note: I never actually liked anything for the simple reason of "because my sister does."

A few years ago, she changed. A lot. She started talking to me. I thought I'd die of shock. This is great, right? Wrong. For the last 4 years or so, I've had to listen to her tell me all sorts of things that I do wrong. How I should dress more like her, do my hair like her, do my makeup like her. The list goes on and on.

When she's not on that wagon, we can have a great time! We act like children and laugh at the dumbest things. It's great! But the second I try to say anything real, she retracts into her, "you're the little sister and don't know anything because you're still six years old" phase. If she and my mom are talking about real stuff and I try to put in my two cents, I get the most ridiculously condescending look that's kind of like, "don't hurt your brain."  I feel like I should be getting a biscuit for complying.

I'm not actually expecting her to read this because, well, she's never read any of my posts. She still believes I'm not a good writer, and says she "doesn't have time" to read this. Well, in the time it has taken you to argue about it, you could have read five posts!

None of this would bother me if we weren't related. If she were just some person I knew, I'd cut her off and be fine with it. Since she's family, however, I don't have a choice. She's my only sibling, and the fact that she cannot accept me for who I am is probably the most hurtful thing in the world.

Sister, dear... I like my skinny jeans, flat hair, basic makeup, flat canvas shoes, and punk rock, country, and pop. I'm so much smarter than you give me credit for. It is not alright to attempt to change any of this. Please accept and respect that I am not you, I am me.

I'm going all-out emo today, but there's one line in here, besides the chorus, that I dedicate to my big sister. "Did you know you used to be my hero?"

"Perfect"~ Simple Plan

When It Rains, It Pours

Can I give up now?

Today has all-out sucked, but there was one thing that just irked me so badly that I have to vent.

My whole life, I've been the "not a problem" girl. The one who is always doing favors and listening to people vent. I don't really mind doing these things, but it's incredibly rare to find someone who will do anything for me.

I've got a friend who is pining for this girl who has cut him off. I hear about her every time we talk. When I start talking about something similar, the subject is quickly turned back to this girl.

I've got another friend who, whenever we talk, has to talk about something she's been dealing with for years. If I mention how I'm feeling, we can talk about it for like two minutes before she turns it back around.

It's the same with my family. I'm sitting here right now, obviously unhappy, but I get to hear all about how my cousins screwed up my mother's date with my aunts and uncle.

I always do whatever is asked of me, I always listen, but nobody seems to feel the need to do the same for me. In fact, most people actually try to guilt trip me for stating an opinion or speaking my mind.

I almost got into a wreck today because some idiot decided she needed to make the world's slowest left turn right in front of me. I wanted so badly to just hit her. I just want this to end. I hurt, but nobody seems to notice because I'm never given a chance to talk.

"Heard It All Before"~ As December Falls

Oh, The Humanity!

Don't make me go!

So, today, I have to go to a funeral. Do you know what is at a funeral? People. Scarier yet, family.

Side note: I don't consider this a particularly sad funeral because my aunt lived a long life. It's a reprieve for her.

Anyway, I've told you before that I'm socially inept, and well, it gets worse around extended family. But I was thinking to myself, I said, "Self, why are you so socially stupid?" and you know what I figured out? I'm just overwhelmed with social anxiety.

I saw this link on Facebook this morning, and while collegehumor.com makes it funny, it's also very, very true. This is exactly how I feel in every situation. Check it out!

www.collegehumor.com/post/7009222/what-the-world-looks-like-with-sicial-anxiety

I've been posting a lot lately, and I'm sorry about that. I guess I just have a lot on my mind right now.

My connection

 I talked about my connection to photography  in my post "Disconnecting the dots" and thought I'd share some of my favourites. I'm technologically impaired, so the formatting may not be the best, but the pics are still there! The first two, I didn't actually take (duh!), but loads of my friends love them. Yes... that's me, and yes... I'm a dork.


Is the Doctor in there?

I couldn't resist :)

Perspective is everything



Southern Utah

Southern Utah... again



Montana

I have a thing with bees



So many things going on here...

This kind of looks fake

I also have a thing with fences

This was the first time I had actually seen the ocean

 

See? Fence... and flowers

Looks like a postcard

The absolutely beautiful city of San Diego, California 

Too cliché?

Yep. Cliché.

Ooh! River!

One of my best friends on her wedding day

Tetons

I love contrast!

Almost looks like a Bob Ross

Some lake in Wyoming

Apparently I like cliché.

I'm running out of captions...

Pretty

Imagine... I took this with a super crappy camera.

Another of my best friends on her wedding day

I swear the carpet was blue! Love how it turned black, though!

This is my city?

Hidden treasures

Somewhere in Oregon.  I love that state!

&$@* &$@ &$#@&

It had to be said.

I am painfully blunt at times. Those times are generally when someone is being, let's face it, stupid or careless. I've never been an optimist or a pessimist; I'm a realist. I don't see the best or worst outcome, I see things how they are (unless it has to do with me, but that's another story).

It does take me awhile to get annoyed enough to actually say what I think. Good thing, right? Wrong. By that point, I'm so beyond annoyed that it comes out like a slap in the face. This, as you can imagine, people don't really appreciate. But seriously, who wants to hear that they're narcissistic or that their kid is a brat, even in the nicest of tones?

But the really funny thing about all this bluntness is that I can't say, oh so very many things. These things contain, but are not limited to:
* I love you
*Thank you (when applied to a compliment)
I can obviously type these, but actually saying them... no.

Side note: I got a new shirt over the weekend forgetting that I've gained 5 lbs. It's bugging me, so you get to hear about it.

Well, once again, I come to a close with an entirely unlinked song running through my head (mostly because it's playing now, but still). Ok, maybe it has merit...

Just Give Me A Reason~ P!nk

Socially inept

Nope.

This morning, I went to the dentist because my teeth suck and I'm about ready to rip them out. Well, it was really just one tooth, but it really hurt! I was there for about an hour while he took x-rays and checked to see if it was a simple fix (it was!). This normally doesn't bother me, but this is a dental school and there are loads of people there! I don't do social very well.

After the dentist, I stopped to say hi to my sister for a minute before heading home to fill out an application for a second part-time job (grammatically correct run-on sentence #3). I went to drop it off and had every intention of going to work after, but my brain had other ideas.

That much social exposure is never a good thing for me. I always try to fight it, but I always wind up overloaded and unable to function. See, in my head, I'm a social butterfly who is the life of the party. Actuality is a whole other story. I'm really just the girl who sits in the back, keeps her mouth shut, and wishes she had stayed home. I don't know why I do this to myself. I know I shouldn't do something, but I want to believe I'm just like everyone else who can do it.

I daydream. A lot. I like thinking about how things would be if my brain could handle more social situations. I mean, as much as I like denying it, I'm quite clever and quick witted, but hardly anyone knows because I can't talk like normal when there are loads of people around. Even if there are just a few, unfamiliar people I can't do much. It's like my brain says "ALERT! ALERT! Too many people! Retreat! RETREAT!"

Times like this are when I need Nick Santino. So here's one of my favorites.

"Back to Where I'm From"~ Nick Santino

Disconnecting the dots

"You seem... disconnected."

It's no secret that I'm not as connected to people as most others are, but there is one thing I can connect with even on the worst of days: photography.

Now, I'm not a professional, and I sure don't have a fancy camera, but it's something I actually believe I'm good at. I absolutely love cemeteries, especially the older ones. I haven't had the chance to go there since Halloween, but let's face it, autumn leaves make a cemetery better.

Some people ask me why I'm so disconnected and socially awkward, and I never actually say, but anyone who was severely bullied in school can commiserate. I tend to be very suspicious when someone tries to befriend me because I'm used to people using me, either for their own gain, or their twisted endeavors. My whole life, people have been more than willing to let me do all the work or take the fall.

Fun story: I was in a kind of sorority a few years back. We used classrooms to meet in, so we had to rearrange the room to fit our needs, then put everything back when we were finished. Well, one time, I got there and nobody was in the room, but 2 of our girls were out in the hallway doing homework. I went in and started setting things up. I moved all the tables and all the chairs. In the middle of all this, one of the other girls came in, saw what I was doing, and left. After I had everything set up, someone came in and told me we weren't using that room that day... and left. Of the 4 people who knew exactly what I was doing, not one offered to help. I didn't hang around for the meeting/activity.

I've been rejected for so long that, somewhere along the line, I started folding in on myself and not letting anyone even try to get in. I've got friends I've known for years that I'm starting to shut out, and I have no idea how to stop that. I'm always saying how I'm so alone, but it's really my own fault. I push people away before they can hurt me.

"My Own Worst Enemy"~ Lit

You rock!

I just wanted to take a second to tell you all about some fabulous updates! That, and I'm bored, but have nothing to actually say.

So, I think I mentioned that my blog now has a Twitter. (I'm really in charge, but don't tell the blog that. It's rather sensitive.) So you can now follow me on Twitter @AROTBEblog. There is also still the group on Facebook, also called "A Ride on the Bipolar Express." Although, I'll be honest... I don't really pay much attention to that one. I started it mostly as a safe place for discussion. You can still sign up for email notifications, as well. I haven't really been able to post these to Facebook lately, and Twitter is more moody than I am, so email notifications can be a good thing.

Also, welcome back France! #JeSuisCharlie. My heart goes out to you. May you all find peace and solace soon.

A big "HELLO" to Turkey! Not actually sure where your country is on the map, but I'll find out!

And returning are Germany, Japan, and of course, my heart... the UK.

I'm loving that my words are reaching so far and wide! This is amazing to me! I got my very first comment from someone I don't actually know! And I have a follower! I never in a million, billion years expected any of this! Thank you all! You're Amazing!

"You're Amazing"~ Josh Kelley

ur adorbs

This is why my teeth suck...

Ever have one of those days where you literally clench or grind your teeth out of frustration? Well that was my day today. I have two kids I work with that test my patience every day, but today, it's like they joined forces to see just how much I can take. Exactly how much can I take? I left early. That's how much. Only 10 minutes, but I was seriously going to punch one of those little (insert plural expletive).

So, after I left, I went to my happy place, often referred to as a "library" to just check out the new building (well... newish). I decided that, while I was there, I'd check and see if they had a copy of the DSM-V (that's a 5, not just a v). Not one single person there had even heard of it. To further my frustration, one person couldn't quite grasp the concept that, just because it has a 5, doesn't mean it's the version that came out in 2015. So no, the 4th edition did not come out in 2014.

You know what? While I'm in the mood to rant, I'm going to rant about my biggest pet peeve: grammar!

I have recently made a Twitter for my blog, and so far, I've gotten a great response! But the internet in general is full of idiots who shouldn't have been released from 1st grade! "Tryna" is not a word. I believe what you're looking for is "trying to." Not to mention, when you say "stand up for child abuse," you are, in fact, condoning the act. Not condemning it. Punctuation is a thing. I promise. And when are people going to realize that when they say, "That's frills, totes adorbs," they sound like complete morons? And friends, U, R, C, and B are letters, not words.

I'm not a Grammar Nazi, but I'm definitely on the Grammar Police squad. We all make mistakes. Fact of life. I can't, however, bypass a blatant disregard for the English language.

Now that my teeth are completely ground down...

Word Crimes~ "Weird" Al Yankovic

Uncontrollable

How old am I?!

So, today, I had to go to the dentist to get a hole the size of China's "Supercave" filled. Not even joking, the dentist (well, dental student) almost called in reinforcements. All I can say is that Nitrous is my best friend.

So now I'm sitting on my bed instead of going to work because, as I just posted on Facebook, "my tooth has a heartbeat."

Wait, what? Have I reverted to my prepubescent self? Hold on... nope... yep... no, oh wait, yes... Everything is where it should be, so why am I being so incredibly immature? It's a freaking tooth, for crying out loud!

Oh yeah... there's the teeny, tiny fact that my brain has full control over me. If I don't get enough sleep, if I don't eat enough, if I eat too much, and heaven forbid I ever stop thinking about whatever it is I'm feeling. Any number of things can let my thoughts and emotions completely overtake me.

Not to let slide the overwhelming anxiety of going to the dentist. Yay uncontrollable feeling... (insert less-than-amused face).

Well this has been entirely pointless, but that's alright, because I get to share yet another song that I adore.

"Uncontrollable"~ Stereos

It's Awfully Windy

Can I just tell you how much I love my job?

So, here, school has been out for two solid weeks for the Christmas and New Year holidays. Needless to say, I haven't been at work during that time. I probably would have gone, but getting arrested on a break and enter isn't really all that appealing to me.

Anyway... The second I walked into that classroom, I was attacked by tiny humans (often referred to as "children"). I'm in a weird mood. Just go with it. It was hugs and attention grabbing all around! I even got to pull recess duty! I know that doesn't sound like too much fun, but I actually like it. It gives me a chance to interact with kids that I don't normally get to see.

"Wait, why are you so... complacent?" Ok, since you asked... I've come full circle and have landed back into the hellish, and dreaded, "mixed state." I feel pretty good (most of the time), but I'm gonna tell you right now... the "voluntary Cinderella" is on strike. This started three days ago and already my room is nearing uninhabitable. Yes, I'm a girl. Yes, I'm a slob. No, I don't care.

Super quick here, I want to thank those of you who share, comment on, or simply read my posts. It is not unnoticed, and, as much as it may not seem like it, you are very much appreciated! And a big HELLO to the UK and Ireland who have joined me on my unpredictable ride!

Back on track... So basically, I love my job! Those kids are my reason for getting out of bed every morning. I've been searching for so long for something to give meaning to my life, and I have finally found it. Not sure why it took this long to realize it, tho...

It may be cheesy, but it's a great song and totally applicable.

"Wind Beneath My Wings"~ Bette Midler

As December Falls... Again

One. Two.

I had just one friend share my last post. Just that one meant the world to me. Thanks. I know there are quite a few of my friends and family who read every post faithfully, some just like what I have to say, others say it's educational, but think about it... if it's educational to you, don't you think that maybe, just maybe, someone else may as well? Grammatically correct run on sentence #2. Just a thought. And I got two viewers from Australia (I actually had to spell-check that... genius)! That's a first! Welcome, mates!


SO! Happy freaking new year! There are a lot of things that come along with January 1st (one of my best friend's birthday, for one), and they all suck, if you ask me. Here's why...

"New year, new you!"~ Ok... why do I need a new me and why can't I decide to change the things I don't like in June? I am a work in progress and I refuse to try to make it faster just because the number on my calendar changed.

"What's your New Year's resolution?"~ I've tried these before. Lose weight, eat healthier, they never come to be. So this year, I've decided that I'm going to read two whole books. Yep. That's it. Setting a resolution simply sets you up for failure.

"50% off clearance!"~ Might as well take my house and car now. Who's with me?

But one good thing about a new year, I was introduced to some new music! This band followed me on Twitter, and I'm glad they did! I had never heard of them and I really like them! Their name is As December Falls, and their whole album is great! Check it out on YouTube!


"A Home Inside Your Head"~ As December Falls