An Unusual Post

I’ve been trying to figure out how to write this post, but decided that a professional is needed.

Every day in this house is basically the same. Narcissist wants something, flying monkey gives in. The narc doesn’t care if it inconveniences anyone else, as long as “it works for me”. Insinuating he’s done something “wrong” is grounds for a tantrum. He’ll run away if I raise my voice at him, yet gets pleasure yelling at me. In every situation, he is always the victim. He views his first child as superior, based on the fact that she’s married, lives on her own, and has been able to hold a steady job. I, therefore, am useless. He has exactly zero sympathy for anyone, especially his family. He pretends to be sympathetic towards his church congregation, but that’s because they worship him in return. He does nothing, unless he gets something out of it. 

The best day of my life will be the day he dies.

I found an article on growing up with a narcissistic father. Click the link to read about what I’ve had to deal with.

How to Survive a Narcissistic Father

Foodie

I tried finding gluten memes, but all the pictures were grainy.

Long story short, I’ve had digestive problems my whole life. I’ve heard about the FODMAP diet from a few doctors, but I’ve never had the desire to have that level of self-control. I like food, but I’m ridiculously picky, and the list of foods allowed just doesn’t work for me. I went back to the doctor, who told me something interesting... Since I don’t eat many of the forbidden foods on a regular basis, the foods most likely causing me issues are lactose or gluten.

Fast forward to today...

Day one without lactose and gluten. I picked out some gluten-free waffles at the store last weekend, based solely on the fact that, A- I could reach them, and B- they were blueberry. Now, every single gluten-free thing I’ve ever put in my mouth, has come right back out. It’s vile, and really shouldn’t be called “food”. Welp, I tried these waffles at lunch (judge me), and they were the best waffles I’ve ever had! Forget Eggo... get Van’s! 

Ok, now for the mental ramifications of excluding beloved foods...

I’m one of those women who mindlessly shove food in their mouth, then complain they’re fat. Having to tell myself I can’t eat something is rather stressful. You’ve probably been through the same; you get a craving for something, but can’t have it (enter: Nando’s), and that’s the only thing you can think of the rest of the day. I don’t know about you, but when I can’t have something, the craving moves me on to other, similar things. Stress leads to agitation, agitation leads to annoyance, annoyance leads to three candy bars, two Mountain Dew cans, and a night of feeling like a failure.

Today is only day one. Not bad, so far... but I have to do this for a solid three weeks. Twenty-one days. Yes, there are alternatives for these foods, but they’re simply not the same. Some are better (like my waffles), some should be removed via HAZMAT (like every gluten-free bread available).

Anyhow, this is my life for the next little while. If you know of good lactose or gluten alternatives, please share!

Learning

Ik leer veel dingen. 

Rwy’n dysgu llawer o bethau. 

🎼🎹

So, not having a job (or being able to even keep one) has opened up a ton of time for me. This has created boredom. 

I can’t stand doing nothing all day, so I’ve turned to, well, probably too many things.

About a year ago, I started learning Dutch. It was my mom’s first language, and is half my heritage, so I thought I’d give it a go. I’m still learning words, and word forms, and starting to use them in sentences I’ve not memorised from the apps I’m using. But I’m doing OK with it.

Maybe eight or nine months ago, I added Welsh into the language learning path. The only experience I have with Welsh is the episode of The Crown where Prince Charles goes to Wales and learns the language, and I’m actually picking up on it faster than I am Dutch. I’ve heard Dutch throughout my life, but nooo...

Then I added in exercise. Getting off my morbidly obese butt, and actually working out. Aerobics, walking (indoor and outdoor), and I joined a gym. I’ve been doing the elliptical, which is kicking my morbidly obese tush, but I’m doing it!

Now I’ve added in learning to play piano. It’s been a lifelong dream, so I bought a do-it-yourself lesson book, and I’m surprised at how fast I’m picking up on it!

This is all super fun, but I’d still rather be stressing about finding time to run errands because of my work schedule. My main goal is still substantial, gainful employment (it’s a thing, look it up). Being able to work full-time, and not have to rely on the good taxpayers of America to pay my income, rent, food, and medical. It’s my job, and mine alone, to take care of me, and it irritates the ever living crap out of me that I can’t do the one thing that defines adulthood.

Anyhoo... that’s that.

This

It’s time to separate the adults from the brats...

This is the era of offense. People getting their knickers in a twist over words. “Don’t say this, cant say that” stuff, because people are all about feelings. If someone hurts your feelings, they must be fired, cancelled, and have their name dragged through the mud. 

Welp, I had someone get all offended because I pointed out that saying “I love you” after every sentence is inappropriate, since they’re not a super close friend. Boo-freaking-hoo. Get over it. This person has now unfollowed me on FB. Fun fact: I don’t care. You want to be so childish as to cut me out over that, I frankly don’t need you, or  your drama, in my life. 

So, I posted this, but since they’re no longer following me, they obviously didn’t see it. I’ll post it here...

“Ok, folks. Wanna know what happens if you’re offended by one of my blog posts? Nothing. That is, if you’re a functioning adult who can get past it. You do and say things that offend me, but I move on, like said functioning adult. Those who cannot move past WORDS, are what we call “immature”. I’ve had 2 “friends” cut me out, in the last 6 months, because they couldn’t accept someone with a different viewpoint. That’s ok with me. ADULTS understand that your friends, close or not, don’t have to agree 100% with you. ADULTS also understand that you annoy them just as much as they annoy you. ADULTS move past it when these annoyances are pointed out. So... are you an adult?”

This goes for everyone. I don’t follow the current narrative, and I frankly don’t care if you don’t want to be a friend. Quality over quantity any day. I’m way too old to play these high school level games with over-the-top drama. 

If you’re over 23 years old, your drama is no longer a game. It’s now an attention-grabbing tactic that needs therapy and, probably meds, to fix.

Did this post offend you? Ask me if I care.

Little Sister

I’ll never understand why I got screwed in the family department.

I’ve told you about the sad excuse for a father I was cursed with, but I haven’t said much about the sad excuse for a sister I was cursed with.

Growing up, I watched my friends around their older sisters, and they were all best friends. They hung out, they hugged, and they smiled when they saw each other. Mine did none of that. In fact, she did the exact opposite. She shut me out, yelled at me if I tried to hug her, and glared if I was even in the same room as she was. Everything I did was wrong. Everything. My existence, alone, irritated her.

About four or five years ago, she shows up at the house, no notice, and starts talking to mom. I had paused the movie mom and I were watching, but the blu-ray player was new, and I didn’t know that it shut itself off after 30 minutes. This, obviously, turned the TV back to live shows. When it did that, with zero help from me, she gave me a look, like I’d just done her a great injustice. Oh... I’m a horrible person for not knowing in advance that this would happen. I should be in jail!

Now, let’s go back seven or eight years...

Something had happened, yet again, with the (insert profanity of choice) at home. I had to get out. I wound up driving the solid forty-five minutes to where she was living in her in-law’s basement. One of their daughters let me inside, and I went downstairs. I knocked on the door, and she started yelling at me for not calling before coming. Up and down, yelling, because I was inconveniencing her. She was watching TV. Oh... the horror. I’m no better than Dahmer.

Since she and her husband moved out twelve or so years ago, not once has she called before coming here. Not. Once. But do it to her, and she blows a gasket. How do you say “hypocrite”?

Family, especially me, has never meant a single thing to her. On occasion, she’ll contact my mom. Usually when she needs something (food, money, or most commonly, a sympathetic ear to listen to her rants). Despite mom sending her a text every morning, her responses are few and far between.

It took me far too long to decide not to care about her or anything she does. Believe me when I say it was difficult. I’ve always been the good sister. Anything she wanted or needed, I was on top of. She exploited my generosity and devotion as much as she could. 

**Example: I worked at Barnes & Noble for a while, and we had a Starbucks café. She’d call and ask me to get her coffee no less than once a week. I did, without complaint. The next Thanksgiving, she wanted to go get coffee, and I asked her if I could join her. She asks, “Do you have money?” Are you serious? You can’t afford $2 after I spent no less than $50 for you?**

Even still, every day, not caring is a conscious action. But I’ll tell you what... keeping her out of my life and thoughts has made my self esteem get to a somewhat normal level. 

The way she bullied me my whole life will take the rest of my life to recover from. (Profanity) was my first bully, paving the way for her to follow suit, which then allowed me to make myself available for Britch and everyone else.

I’ve been able to work through a lot of the abuse that went on at school, but what happened at home will be a constant shadow out the side of my eye.

I have no dad, and I have no siblings. I have bullies. Sad, empty inside, bullies.

Lights

There’s so much darkness going on. Finding the light can be difficult.

Every time I open social media, turn on the TV, or drive down the street, I’m punched in the face with hateful politics. The Marxist movement, fueled by domestic terrorists who think destruction and murder are justified based on political differences, is absolutely insane. But that’s all I’ll say about that...

With all the dark, I’ve been trying harder and harder

To find the light. Sometimes, it’s harder than others. Sometimes, it’s easier. But every day, I try to find something bright. Here’s some of my favorite things...

- First and foremost, my faith keeps me going, no matter what.

- I’ve been reading more. I’m currently reading The Scam by Janet Evanovich, A Gathering of Shadows by V. E. Schwab, and The Hobbit by the legendary J.R.R. Tolkien.

- We recently had to get a new TV, since our faulty-from-the-start one died. The new one is a Samsung. If you have a Samsung, you probably have Samsung Plus TV. Welp... I’ve discovered Drybar Comedy. Funniest channel ever! 1334, if you’re wondering.

- There’s also videos of puppers and cattos on Instagram. I watch those way too much, sometimes.

- I’ve been blessed with some very good friends. We may all be in different states, and sometimes, we’re in different countries... But we still talk, regularly. 

Find your escape, your light, your feel-goods.