Up, down. Back, forth. Left, right.
I realized I haven't posted since January, and thought I'd post tonight/this morning. It's late, so it could be either.
So, things had been going fairly well after I quit my stressful job. I reconnected with quite a few old friends, I started going out in public, I even got together with some friends for dinner and a movie, this past week! On the outside, I was doing amazing! On the inside, though... it's a very different story.
I'm sitting at my table, scrolling Facebook videos, watching combative idiots get arrested, and finding exactly zero joy in it. Just like everything else, these days. I smile, I laugh, I make conversation, but I'm dead inside.
I noticed the depression start to creep in about three months ago, but I kept on going. I ran face first into the brick wall of it about a month ago. No reason that I can pinpoint. Other than the "bi" part of "Bipolar", that is. It comes on without permission, and it wipes me out. I try to stay busy with things, but I slowly stopped doing those things, because they became chores. The novel I'm writing hasn't been touched in over a month, my journal is gathering dust, my Duolingo streak was broken, even this blog has become even less than an afterthought.
Since moving back in with my mom after my ill-fated house experience, and quitting my job, she and I watch a lot of things together. TV series and movies, mostly, with the odd Facebook video (Fridays With Frank. Look it up.). Movies that are absolute favorites, that I can quote in their entirety, aren't lifting my spirits. Harry Potter has been binged like three or four times. Nothing.
That dinner and movie this last week? I adore these people with everything I am... but I wasn't fully there. We were all talking (me maybe a bit too much), smiling, laughing... but there was nothing inside. I'm sure it was noticeable, as I had a tendency to bring things to a screeching halt when the tangent subjects took me down darker paths. It didn't help that I've been physically ill for a while and wasn't able to eat, having had just a Sprite. We went on to see The Mummy for its 25th anniversary. I love that movie. I quoted it all the way through. Never once did I smile.
There is one thing that's happened that gave me peace, at least. I finally banned my "sister" from my life. She came over a couple weeks ago, and she came out swinging! She was as nasty as ever, and all I said was "The battery is dead" as my mom's car was being towed away. She was at her best pathetic, petty, selfishness as she's ever been, and I'd had enough. I sent her a long text that I know she didn't read, but I kept it as proof that I'd told her I was done. I have no sister. I never have. It's 100000000000000% on her, too. When you own mother agrees that one of her children is totally to blame for the distain of the other, you know you're not getting out of it. Her father is more of a covert narcissist, but boy oh boy is she a malignant narcissist!
There's a song by All Time Low featuring Avril Lavigne called Fake as Hell, that I'd like to dedicate to the she-narc. "I know it's better if we both say so long and thanks for the memories. I'd like to say that it's been real, but it's been fake as hell."
Anyhow...
I'm not dying inside. I'm already dead. I wish that either my body would follow suit, or my brain would correct itself quickly. Either way. I'm not going to be picky.
