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Sunday, January 31, 2021

Useless

What’s the point of you?

Dearest sister and brother-in-law,
Thank you so much for your participation in mom’s retirement festivities. Your financial assistance, as well as all the time you spent setting things up, were greatly appreciated. She especially loved your expressions of congratulations, and interest in her feelings and future plans. You have truly made this new chapter of her life a memorable one.

Was the sarcasm obvious enough? I sure hope so, because these two absolutely useless humans have done exactly none of this. No calls, no texts. Except when mom accidentally dialed her elder daughter, who then called back, and complained about her circumstances, nonstop, during mine and mom’s walk about the neighborhood..

I’m so beyond fed up, that I don’t even have words, anymore. They took $2,000 from mom, which we all know won’t be paid back, then hit the hills! They don’t care about anyone, which seriously pisses me off. Mom has done way more than necessary for all of us, but I’m the only one who feels the need to do anything, for her, in return.

Michone, Bryan... If you even have a gram of humanity left in you, know that you are among the most disgusting people to live in our age. If you want out of the family, fine. But that means you will stop asking for, or accepting, help from one of the kindest women alive.

Selfish
Chronic-takers
“Me, me, me”

Wednesday, January 27, 2021

Blamed

So done with Karen...

I’ve been at my job for less than two months, and have been reported to management, by customers, twice. Neither time did I do what was reported.

First, someone called and said I’d used curse words to describe a customer. I don’t curse at work. It’s called professionalism. But it still counted as my “first offense”. Today, I get called in because management got a call saying I was speaking against another customer, in a demeaning way. This happened, yes. But, as I told management, I was not the only one involved. But that didn’t seem to matter, as neither of the others were called in. I know exactly why this is, but I’m not going to get into it. This is my “second offense”. 

So, I pose this question to all the Karens in the world: What makes you think it’s okay to make a complaint, without knowing exactly what you heard? Is it “I think I heard a bad word, while the employee was mumbling under her breath, ten feet away”, now? Is that really grounds for endangering someone’s job?!?! 

All I have to say is, I hope someone calls in false accusations to your management, and your job is put in jeopardy. And believe me when I say that I’ll be watching each person, taking names, and keeping perfect records of what I say, and who else is saying the exact same things. 

I’m done being the scapegoat for literally everything. Someone hears something, and suddenly it’s my fault. It’s been this way, my entire life. I’ve been blamed for doing and saying things that I wasn’t even around for, and people think this is okay. 

Example: For a while, I had to have princess narcissist share my bedroom. When she moved back to her room, she blamed me for the clay that had got ground into the carpet... on her side of the room. And this was believed for years by mom and king narc. Wanna guess which one of us played with clay, and which one didn’t ever touch it? Or should I just tell you?

There’s a reason I’m quiet, and have never stood up for myself. It’s because of idiots, just like these, who take someone else’s word for gospel truth, and anything I say is apparently just lies, trying to get myself out of trouble. I’ve lost track of how many things I’ve been blamed for, because it’s been so damn common in my life. 

Masks make it impossible to know who’s talking, unless you are less than a foot away. People damn well better be 150% sure what they’re talking about, before they complain, and putting someone’s job at risk.

People like these, are actually the cause of suicide for many. I totally understand. It gets to a point where you just... give up. Stop trying, because nobody believes you. Yeah, I’ve lied. Many times. Who hasn’t? But when it comes to blaming someone, just to have someone to blame... I hope those people are happy knowing that they’ve not just ended jobs, but lives, as well.

THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK

Friday, January 22, 2021

Blessed

I am incredibly humbled by the kindness that has been shown to me!

Things are now to a point with the jackass, where I’m hell bent on leaving before I punch it in the throat. With this decision comes some hard ones. With my cello payments, and lesson tuition, I can’t afford anything more than a parking spot at Walmart; and believe me when I tell you that living in my car is definitely an option. So, I put my cello up for sale, and told my teacher I’d have to quit. I was heartsick.

Down and defeated, I had resigned myself to never learning the instrument I’ve loved for so long. Then came this...

My mom texts me, and offers to pay off my cello. At first, I resisted, because she doesn’t have that kind of money. However, she’s allowing me to pay her back. I will do this, gladly, with interest!

The real shock came when I got this text from my teacher: “I like this turn of events! I am perfectly happy to pay it forward… And scholarship you!” Can someone please get my jaw off the floor?

I’ve put in for a full-time spot, at work. Now I just have to pray I get it! So send your prayers and good vibes my way! So much will change, and my life will finally be on the track it should have been on, over a decade ago!

Short post. Just wanted you to know that good people still exist. Be one, accept help from another.

Monday, January 18, 2021

You Have Zero Idea

People really need to stop talking about things they don’t know.

I have a few people who seem to think it’s ok to lecture me on my relationship with father and sister. Things like, “She’s going to be the only family you have, at some point”, and “He really is a good man”. Yes, these people have good intentions, but they only see one molecule of the universe. 

Here’s the truth.

Sibling has bullied me, my entire life. Yes, she’s my only sibling, but she’s the one who has ensured that we have no relationship. It’s her fault, and everyone knows that. “But she would say the same about you.” Yeah, she will. But her excuse is that I’m nothing like her. I don’t act like her, talk like her, dress like her, or anything else she would want. She can’t handle anyone, and I literally mean anyone, who isn’t just like she is. She has tried to change who I am, for as long as I can remember. She also can’t accept that, not everyone will give her things, for all eternity. When someone gets tired of giving, giving, and giving some more, getting nothing in return, she will dispose of them. It’s what she’s always done, and what she will always do. That’s what chronic takers do.

Jackass is a classic representation of narcissism. I heard that, when I wouldn’t eat something at family parties, it would go out and get something I’d like. That’s all fine and good, but I have exactly zero memory of it doing that. Literally the only thing I ever remember it doing for me, is figuring out how to get me my beloved clarinet. I was sixteen. Best part is that, since it retired, it’s got a quadrillion times worse. It’ll go out, pick up a treat, and not think of anyone else. It’s got its crap all over the house, but throws a tantrum if something is moved. It is incredibly condescending, it can’t admit it doesn’t know something (using, instead, “I’m not used to doing that”), and it will take out its own frustrations on me. 

So, good as your intentions may be, you haven’t lived in my house, with these two jackasses, for more than a couple hours. They both put on a good face, when company is around. As soon as company leaves, it’s back to hell. 

Please think twice before telling the victim of bullying or narcissistic abuse, exactly how good of a person the perpetrator is. Especially when you’ve been told, time after time, what that perp is doing. Don’t ever try to convince the victim that, if they’d put in more effort, their relationship with the abuser/bully will get better. You simply have no idea.

I appreciate that you have your amazing relationships with your families, but it’s not something I’ve ever had, or ever will have. Don’t feel badly for me. I’ve got some absolutely amazing friends, who are my chosen family. They say, “blood is thicker than water”. Fun fact: the people you choose to be around, and who choose to be around you... well, that’s a bond stronger than blood. 

Family isn’t based on genetics, it’s based on bonds.

Monday, January 11, 2021

Max Level Stupidity

People will never cease to amuse me with their stupidity.

Living in Utah comes with so many ignorant and sheltered people to laugh at. No, it’s not the norm, as most people would like to believe, but it’s still quite common.

My absolute favorite reaction most people have is actually towards coffee. I don’t drink alcohol (for many reasons I won’t get into), but I do drink coffee. When people smell my coffee, it’s almost like they’re seeing one of those Brazilian jungle tribes— new and foreign and strange. It’s funny.

There are so many people here, mostly members of a certain religion, who know literally nothing outside their church. Again: not the norm. I knew one lady who didn’t even know her neighbor had a dog. Yeah... that dog would bark day and night, and she was two houses down. Hard to miss. There are also those members of that church who can’t identify differing beliefs of other Christian denominations. I’m actually embarrassed for those people. I was raised in that church, but my parents are far more aware (my father being mostly more aware of himself, though). My mom is a representation of the norm for those church members— not all head-in-the-sand.

The reason for this post is because of a car theft I read about. 

As anyone with an ounce of common sense knows, you don’t leave your car running, and unlocked, while you run inside. Not even for thirty seconds. Around here, you’re basically telling criminals that they’re welcome to your $30,000 property. Every single day, there are reports of cars being stolen, thanks to people’s naivety. Every. Single. Day. Why it still happens, well, that’s a mystery that can’t ever be solved. Everyone sees these reports, but somehow think it won’t happen to them. Then, when it does, inevitably happen, they’re baffled and angry. 

I commented on that person’s post, calling out that it was partially their fault (when we all know it was entirely their own fault), and now I’m waiting for the backlash, and accusations of “victim blaming”. Well... when it’s the victim’s fault, then they have to take the blame. Common Sense: 101.

Why did I make a comment that I know will cause drama? Because, dear readers, I’m currently battling a full-blown manic episode. No, mania didn’t compel me to write it; mania took my inhibitions, and threw them in the fire. Mania makes me do and say things that I’d normally bite my tongue on. This time around, I’ve been trying desperately to keep my thoughts to myself, but it has proven to be more difficult than I can handle. I’m actually afraid that I’ll let someone have it, while I’m at work, and I’ll lose my job. I’ve been okay, so far, but keep your fingers crossed! 

No, I will not mention the “terrifying” disorder to anyone, not even my extremely understanding manager. I don’t want it to be a factor in my work. I’ve got more meds, as of tonight, and will continue to do my best.

Ta.

Friday, January 8, 2021

As Close As Sisters

That has a very different meaning to me than it does for most.

A while ago, I told you about the genetically similar human I was forced to call “sister”. She was the type of sister that makes you wonder how I survived childhood. She bullied me as much, if not more than, the kids at school. The worst part about that is, once in a while, she’d be nice to me, then hit harder.

She’s done some absolutely terrible things to me, but the worst, in my book, is something that can’t ever be forgiven.

Christmas 2010. I had had the major surgery on my leg on December 20, and was still is horrific pain on Christmas Day. She and her husband were over, as usual, and it was a nice day (the parts I was awake for, anyhow). That night, and for weeks after, my life was absolute hell.

When I went to take my dose of painkillers, there was a bottle missing. We looked all over, but never found it. They were on my bedside table, so the area they could have fallen to, was rather small. You can probably already guess where this is going...

She never admitted to it, nor do I ever expect her to come clean, but we all know she took them. I had three bottles: Valium, Percocet, and OxyContin. She couldn’t take the Percocet, no... She had to take the Oxy. The stronger of the two pain killers. Yeah... I had just had my leg surgically broken, twisted, had a rod shoved down it, and screws in my ankle and up by my knee. Real comfy.

For the next few weeks, I had to space out what she graciously left me, and the pain had me crying just about all day long. That was the epitome of A- selfishness, and B- addict. 

She subsequently took two more bottles of pain killers, which I didn’t get because I wanted a nice trip. I had some things that were only helped by those, but she thought she needed them more than I did. You know addicts.

No, I will never forgive her for this. Even if she goes to therapy, or some kind of recovery, and she makes amends for every other thing she’s done to me. She left me writhing in agony, because she thought only of herself. As usual.

Mick, I pray you know the kind of pain you me put me through- both physical and mental. And get some help. You need it. Really. For your narcissistic tendencies, if nothing else. Maybe then, you’ll have real friends, instead of people you dispose of when they’ve got tired of giving. Chronic takers aren’t lovable.

One Giant Step For Me-Kind

This really is a day to put on the books!

Today, I did something that I most literally have never done, before. I woke up, entirely intent that I didn’t want to go to work today. Since my very first job, thoughts like this have won, and I wouldn’t go to work. This was a day of immense change.

Despite not wanting to go, I got up, got dressed, and got to work. Just forty minutes into my day, I was beyond done. I wanted to get out of there, go home, and go back to bed. For the first time in my life, I pushed those thoughts from my mind, and made it through my entire shift! Granted, my shift is just four hours, but that’s never stopped my brain from winning, as I would talk myself out of a two-hour shift at one job. Gotta say, I’m pretty proud of myself, today.

Those four hours passed about as well as a kidney stone, and I was counting every single minute, but I was there! And what’s more, I did things, all by myself, which I’d not been confident on, up until today! I’m actually learning my job! No, I’m not totally independent, but there are no less than sixty million things to know. But learning some of the more common and basic functions, is rather a boost to my confidence and self-esteem!

I still can’t believe how far I’ve come! Three years ago, I needed someone to go with me to get the freaking mail. No joke. I’m surprising myself on a daily basis! 

I’m walking proof that anything is possible. I promise you, if you really want something, and you put in the work to get there, nothing can stop you! I’ve wanted steady employment for years, and now, I’m succeeding! 

Do not, under any circumstances, judge your journey on mine or anyone else’s. Your recovery, your journey, your life, your way.

Friday, January 1, 2021

2021

Happy New Year!!!

Last year, I posted about not having the traditional new year resolutions, because, when I fail at those, I feel like a total failure. I didn’t make resolutions last year, and I won’t this year. This year, I will make a goal.

As some may know, I’ve had a ridiculously hard time with employment since 2011. I’d get a good job, but something would happen, and I’d freak out. This lead to so many quit jobs that, I frankly can’t even remember how many, let alone the where’s and when’s. Things changed in 2020.

In October, I got a job that I absolutely loved, but couldn’t keep. It was constantly walking, running, and kneeling. Thanks to the lovely movement disorder that mainly affects my left foot, the pain was too much. After just a month, I injured my knee to a point of having to take leave. During that leave, I found a good job which wouldn’t require anywhere near the amount of walking. Here’s where the changes are really noticeable...

Fun fact: I do not now, nor have I ever, dealt well with angry people. Dealing with people, in general, is quite difficult, but when someone starts getting angry, I shut down. You can thank the sad excuse of a father I was cursed with... Anyhow, I’ve had to deal with some serious nightmares, but I’m still there. Four weeks, and only freaked out once! Even at that, the freak-out wasn’t career-ending! Pretty proud of myself.

So, my goal, this year, is to make it until the end of March. If I can keep working until the end of March, then I’ll push it out to the end of July... the end of November... so on, and so forth. 

I saw my therapist yesterday, who, as usual, asked how I thought I was doing. For the very first time in my life, I could say that I’m doing well! Even before the disaster of 2011, I couldn’t say I was doing well— at all— because my moods were far from controlled, and the way I treated people... I’m ashamed of myself. 

Now that things have pulled a total 180, I actually have hope that I’ll be able to get, and maintain, full-time employment! This has never happened! I’m not going to jump into the deep end, just yet. I’m going to keep my part-time status for at least a year, and hopefully grow within my company, to get that full-time trophy. Yes, in my world, full-time employment would be a trophy. In my life, employment— at all, and in any form— has been a competition between my illness and my stubborn desire to be better than it is.

 Anyhow, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: If you are going to make resolutions, this year, make them attainable. Most people, especially those dealing with self-depreciating illnesses, can’t handle failure. It adds to the stress we are already trying to hold up enough to not get crushed. So, instead of saying something like, “I’m going to lose a hundred pounds” or “I’m going to keep my house spotless”, try losing just ten pounds, or making a goal to clean one room each week. But, if you happen to be one of the few who is super motivated, take it on! Do you, your way.

Here’s to a better year!