It's Just A Talk

Seriously?

If you watched Gilmore Girls, you'll understand why I feel like Pasquale. If you didn't (or need a refresher), allow me to explain. At the beginning of this episode, you can hear a man (Pasquale) shouting and see things being thrown out of the shop he owns. Loreli tells Miss Patty they just had "Stars Hollow loves Pasquale day last week," and questions his behavior. We then see Loreli go in to the shop and sweet-talk Pasquale.

If that was clear as mud, I basically mean that, I feel underappreciated. Every now and then, I let this be known in a Facebook rant (hey... you have your outlets, I have mine) and this gets people to notice me for about a week. No, I don't need constant attention or loads of praise, but I have 115 friends and things I post get one, maybe two "likes." More often than not, one is a miracle.

I wish Facebook was the least of my annoyances. I have a few friends who, after I do my rant, will text once or twice. Usually these texts will include an insincere "let's hang out" or some other empty promise. Granted, I have a few truly good friends who I can rely on, but most are outside the state (one in South Korea!). Side note: Yes, I appreciate any and all contact with friends, I just wish I had friends who would jump the same rivers and valleys I do for the friendship.

Home isn't too fabulous, either. My mom will talk to me, but my father is a whole other story. He complains constantly that I don't talk to him. He's right, usually. The reason I don't talk to him is because that's all it is. I talk, he shovels food in his mouth with the occasional "mm-hmm." He doesn't converse. He doesn't understand that a conversation is two or more people. When just one person talking, it's a monologue. Wait, he does understand this concept, but only with my mom, sister, brother-in-law, or, well... everyone else. And he wonders why I gave up...

Friendships are like plants. You need to put effort into them, because if you ignore them, they die.

I'll just leave this here...
"How To Save A Life"~ The Fray

Orthopedics

Nope. Not happening.

About five years ago, I went through a hell worse than anything I've ever known to fix my right leg. I was born with both of my legs twisted, which caused me quite a bit of trouble throughout the years. My right one was, by far, worse than my left. On December 19, 2010, I (ok, my parents) actually paid a doctor to break my bone, twist it, shove a rod down it, and pin it in five places. I spent eight weeks dependent on a wheelchair and crutches, and the next few months were spent relearning how to walk. Exactly thirteen months later on January 19, 2012, I had to have my Achilles tendon lengthened. When my bone was twisted, it pulled my Achilles so far that I couldn't stand flat-footed. Once again, I spent time dependent on the wheelchair and crutches and had to, again, relearn to walk.

I was talking to my therapist about this and how my symptoms seemed to blow out of proportion right after the first surgery. She wasn't surprised and explained how a physical trauma like that can definitely have a negative impact. I've always heard that "everyone has their breaking point," and I guess that was mine.

About a week ago, I twisted my right knee and it has been killing me ever since. I managed to get in to see a surgeon, but A~ I'm always nervous with new surgeons, and B~ I really don't want another surgery. I know there's something wrong because it keeps giving out and hurts like mad, but I'm actually scared of having another surgery. I mean, I had countless procedures before these last two, but nothing affected me like they did. I can't even look at a wheelchair without my heart jumping.

"Doctor Jones"~ Aqua

Just Existing

Am I still breathing?

I have been numb the last couple of days. Well... until something agitates me (which is happening a lot). It doesn't have to be big; even something as simple as someone not signaling on the road (which happens here more than anywhere else I've been).

My father, however, is constantly my biggest trigger. Story: When my "sister" moved in, all my storage was in her old bedroom, so it all had to be moved. It was only in there because my father has cluttered up our basement to the point that it looks like an episode of Hoarders. Most of my things were blessed with a bit of space in this hellhole, but some boxes were left upstairs in the family room. They're still in the family room. I just tripped on one. He's just now, after five or six weeks, thinking about putting it downstairs. Why now? Because I pitched a fit. Side note: Ignoring the needs of others until they get angry (and you know this will happen) is emotional abuse.

I'm exhausted. I'm not sleeping well, people are getting on my nerves, and the word "happy" hasn't been in my vocabulary for a while. The only feeling I can actually pinpoint that I've felt in a few days is "agitated" (and all its synonyms). Other than that, I simply exist. I've been reaching, trying to think my way into some kind of feeling, but I'm at a loss. I went a few places today, and couldn't even force a smile. Not even one of those, "I-feel-like-crap-but-it's-not-your-fault-so-I'm-going-to-try-my-best" smiles. I hate doing that. I will always be polite because you never know if the person at the checkout is having a hard time as well.

I'm starting a new job next week and I'm terrified that this won't be over. Side note: This job falls into the category of "good" because it has minimal social interaction!

Anyway... I heard this song for the first time today and instantly bought it. I'm an addict (and can't think of a song to go with the subject because my brain shut off).

"Honey I'm Good"~ Andy Grammer

Sad Songs

I thought this was supposed to ease.

My grandma passed two weeks ago, but every time I walk outside, it hits me all over again. Since she lived next door, I see her house every day. It's not the house that hurts, it's the fact that she's not in it.

I do okay until something reminds me of her or that she's gone. Saturday morning, my mom was playing around on the piano, and started playing "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" from Phantom of the Opera. It took everything I had to not completely break down. Later, I asked her to pick a random number and I would play the corresponding song on my phone. Number one hundred was "With You In Your Dreams" by Hanson.

Yesterday, I woke up to see a large moving trailer in her driveway. Needless to say, I was in a much-less-than-good mood the rest of the day.

I went into her backyard and took some pictures. Mostly, I just wanted to be close to her again. There are no words to describe the pain of losing a loved one. If you've been through it, I am so, so sorry.

I've been holding it in for too long. I'm going to listen to all the songs that make me think of her and just let it out. You can listen along, if you like. Here they all are:

"Another Set Of Wings"~ A Rocket To The Moon

"Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" from Phantom of the Opera

"With You In Your Dreams"~Hanson

"There You'll Be"~ Faith Hill

"Over You"~ Miranda Lambert

"Come Wake Me Up"~ Rascal Flatts

"The Day I Died"~ Five For Fighting

Friends, Blogs, & Stuff

Hallelujah!

At this very moment, even as I type, my "sister" is moving her things out! Let the bells ring out, let the music play!  She's gotten a place of her (and the husband she's apparently reconciled with) own and I get my safe zone back. Everyone wins!

For the first time in nearly six weeks, I feel like I can breathe! I feel... happy. This is strange. I'm not sure what to do with it. Usually when I think I'm happy, I'm really just manic. I don't think I've been truly happy in years. Side note: I could very well be manic now, but I'm not arguing this time.

Bad segue in 3... 2... 1...

Since joining Twitter (@AROTBEblog), I've met some really cool people. I generally don't care much for technology, but the internet can connect people from all around the world. You never know who you could connect with. I'm rambling, so back to my point...

I read these blogs almost religiously and the people who write them are quite possibly the most amazing people on the web. Check them out!

Jazz: https://orangelikejazz.wordpress.com/
Meghan: http://www.alwaysunstable.com/
Spenser (who I've actually known for 14-ish years!): http://darkesthourbrightestday.blogspot.com/

There are a few others I read, but I'd much rather have permission to post the links than just do it.

"I'll Be There For You"~ The Rembrandts

I Need More Than Stuff

Alrighty, then.

Last night, I was attacked and made to believe that I'm a horrible person. Who did this? My family.

Several times now, I have made clear my feelings on my "sister" and the husband she "left" staying in our house. They are invading my safe zone and sending my anxiety off the charts. I've never liked them coming over. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter are pure hell for me.

Story:

After telling my father several times that I will no longer give in to my brother-in-law staying here, he, once again, invited him to stay. Instead of simply listening to me when I said, "they are most literally killing me," he passed off my feelings in favour of the married people who are more than capable of getting their own place. When I stood my ground, he had to go get my mother out of bed because, apparently, he still has no idea how to talk to me. I gave up on trying to talk to him a while ago. He never listens anyway.

Once my mother got involved, my father could not grasp the concept that I have no idea why I feel this way and kept repeating the same things. "What if you had a friend who needed to stay the night? Would it be the same?" "They lived here when they first got married. What's changed?" I will say this again... I DON'T KNOW!

My mother seemed sympathetic while trying to weasel me into concession. I had to get on the repeat train to get my point through both of their heads. "I need to feel comfortable in my own home. I don't know why I feel like this, and I don't want to. I want it, and them, to go away. They are invading my safe zone and I'm feeling attacked."

After they "understood" how I felt, they went to "discuss the situation." When I went to bed, I couldn't sleep because the light was shining under my door. Annoyed, I was less than kind telling them to turn it off. I was done asking for things, at this point. My brother-in-law's response? "It's on because we're trying to accommodate you." Excuse me?! This is MY home. You shouldn't have to accommodate me because YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!

My mother then came into my room and began telling me how "she has to feel comfortable here, too. This is her home, too." Gee... wonder who she'd been talking to. Both my sister and brother-in-law are terribly manipulative. They will both make themselves out to be the victim or the hero with just a few words. Either way, they will tear you down to do it. I find it amusing when they pull it out on each other.

Naturally, I got angry. Once again, the boundaries I try to set are twisted and made to make me feel like a selfish brat. I have tolerated her here for three and a half weeks. There have been confrontations and blow-ups, but I've never straight out told her to leave. When he started staying here, things escalated because my anxiety hit "attack mode." I was being attacked, so I fought back.

The one person I thought would never attack me was my mother, and she was the one doing it last night. There was screaming, swearing, and I left. Side note: Walking on an old, uneven asphalt driveway without shoes is a bad idea. I have lost my support system. Sure, I have friends who say I can come to them, but I can't bring myself to be a burden on anyone else. My mother chose to have me and therefore deal with all a child comes with. My friends have also never seen the full force of my messed up brain, and I don't know if they could handle it.

I say I've lost my support system because, if my sister can manipulate my mother into thinking that I'm the problem here, how can I believe that she truly understands that I have a problem, and no, I can't make my brain concede?

"Part of Your World"~ From The Little Mermaid

I Surrender

What do you get when you cross a bottle of Xanax, a bottle of Percocet, and a bottle of Vodka?

The last three weeks, I have given up on trying to stop my suicidal thoughts. My "sister" still has the husband she "left" sleeping over when they've spent so much time together after work that he's too tired to drive home (grammatically correct run-on sentence #... I lost count). Tonight, I let my feelings on the subject be known. I explained (ok, basically shouted) how all this is affecting me, and how badly I wish I knew why. I pointed out (for no less than the tenth time) that this narcissist is, quite literally, killing me. Then my father pulls the "he's son-in-law" crap and completely disregards my feelings. Needless to say, the soon-to-be ex-son-in-law is staying the night.

My whole life, I have tolerated everything that has been thrown at me. Better still, I survived it all. Since she moved back, I have zero control over how I feel or what I think. Last week, she got me cornered while shouting at me and demeaning me, and, almost as if I were watching from the outside, I saw my foot go out and kick her. I suddenly understood how people can lose control. I'm not sorry I did it, I'm just a bit confused as to how it happened.

As my mother was sitting with me, attempting to make this whole "him staying over" thing okay somehow, I said something that I'm not sure if she fully understands: "I can't do this anymore." She probably took it as a passing comment, but it's way more than that.

I have been entertaining my suicidal thoughts quite a bit today, but tonight, I'm seriously considering it. I don't feel sad about it. I don't feel angry. I don't feel anything. I have dug my nails into any place on my body that will bleed, as well as pinched and pounded just trying to feel something, but there's nothing. I can't make myself cry because I can't make myself feel.

I think this is what "giving up" feels like.

The truly tragic part about all this: I'll still go to bed, not really sleep, get up in the morning, and do it all over again.

"Numb"~ Linkin Park

Set In Stone

My grandma's funeral was today... (and as usual, I was jealous of the people already in the ground)

I know I already praised this woman up and down, but there's one thing I left out and I have no idea how.

When I was a kid, my grandma ran this program called "Achievement Days" for the kids in our neighborhood. I don't really remember what activities we did, but I remember only going because it was at grandma's house. Backstory: There wasn't one person in the neighborhood that didn't know about Brooke being a bully. Quite a few of the adults would catch it occasionally and just let her have it. Grandma was one of them.

Anyway, my grandma (among so many others) talked about how getting away from here would be helpful for me. Get out, go to college, do military, just something away from here. I know that would help, but, in my mind, I'd return a different person and everyone would notice and either stop bugging me, or become a friend. My dream was crushed the other day when I heard someone saying this (Side note: I have edited it because, well... grammar.):

[He] tells the story of a young man... who, for many years was more or less the brunt of every joke in his school. He had some disadvantages, and it was easy for his peers to tease him. Later in his life, he moved away from his community. He eventually joined the army and had some successful experiences there in getting an education and generally stepping away from his past.

Then, after several years, he came back to the town of hos youth. Most of his generation had moved on, but not all. Apparently, when he returned quite successful and quite reborn, the same old mind-set that had existed before was still there waiting for his return. To the people in his hometown, he was still just old "so-and-so"-- you remember the guy with the problem, that idiosyncrasy,  this quirky nature, and did such and such. And wasn't it all just hilarious?

Well, you know what happened. Little by little, this man's effort to leave that which was behind and grasp the prize that [was] laid before him was gradually diminished until he died about the way he had lived in his youth. He came full circle: again [...] unhappy and the brunt of a new generation of jokes. Yet he had had that one bright, beautiful midlife moment when he had been able to rise above his past and truly see who he was and what he could become. Too bad, too sad, that he was again to be surrounded by those who thought his past was more interesting than his future.

Give those around you the benefit of the doubt. You never know how they have grown and changed. Do not gossip or spread rumors. Do not judge. Be kind, be open... see in the heart. Look for the good in others and remind yourself of the good within you.


I think I'll just end with that.
"Over You"~ Miranda Lambert

This Isn't Goodbye

Here goes...

Today, I learnt that the only grandparent I've ever really known passed away. She isn't biologically related, but my parents moved into the house right next door to this amazing woman before I was born and we just kind of adopted each other.

When I was little, I was over at her house more than I was at my own, I think. We would play games most of the time. Her favorite was Yahtzee, but Go Fish was always a go-to. On warm summer nights, we would go into her backyard and she would sit and talk while I played. I always had to take things over to show her- new clothes, Christmas or birthday gifts- and she would always look at everything patiently and smile. Her favorite thing was when I learnt a new dance and came over to show her.

About two years ago, she had a stroke. The only reason she survived that was that her daughter, a nurse, happened to be with her. When I saw the ambulance pull into our circle, my heart dropped. I ran out without shoes, heart pounding, and speechless.

After that, she jumped from hospital to care center, and care center to different care center. I've seen her once in the last year because her family is big and trying to keep everyone informed was next to impossible. I saw her the day after my birthday- election day.

When I heard the news, I didn't know what to do. I was sad, angry, and about a hundred other things all at once. It took me three hours to figure out that crying was a good option. Even that was confusing since I haven't cried over something besides my own messed up brain in years. I've lost people before, but nothing has hit me as hard as this. I've lost friends when we were fourteen or fifteen, I've lost three aunts, but none of them hit me like my dear grandma.

She was an incredible, beautiful woman and the world was made better by her. There are many people who wouldn't be where they are now, if not for her. I wish I could write something better for her, but this will have to do.


"There You'll Be"~ Faith Hill

No Words

What just happened?

I went to a new doctor this morning. Going somewhere new is always an adventure for my blood pressure. My anxiety spikes, leaving my hands red after just ten minutes of wringing. Add the twenty minute drive into downtown, and well, I don't even want to be around myself.

Here's where our adventure begins...

On my way down, The city bus decided to stop right in the middle of the lane, forcing those of us following to go around. I was half way 'round when the driver thought "now seems a good time to take out a tiny red car." I had to floor it so as to not get hit by him or head-on with the car coming from the other side.

Needless to say, I was already a bit wired when I got to the massive complex that contains every doctor you could ever need. Yes, pointless info. Deal with it. I had to ride the elevator with five people who had absolutely zero concept of personal space, and the old man in the back decided that those of us up front should have waited for him to get off first. Anxiety spiking...

When I got to the desk, I was prepared for the typical apathetic, all-business robots that run the medical field. I just about choked when the woman at the check-in was, get this, smiling!!! Then... she kept doing it while she checked me in. Weirdest part: she said more than was necessary to do her job! Actual conversing!

I was made speechless when the nurse was as, if not more personal than the lady at the desk! Granted, we found something in common right off the bat. Never underestimate the power of Doctor Who. The thing that knocked me down was the doctor (no pun intended). He was just like the nurse and desk lady. He listened to what I said, explained any question I had, and I kid you not, spent an entire hour with me! Usually, doctors rush you out the door (faster if you have Medicaid), but he made sure he went over the form I had to fill out before along with anything else.

I have found the best doctor in the world! I have no faith in any other doctor, but hey, I got the good one! I can count this as a good day.

"Perfect Day"~ Lady Antebellum

Movie Night

"Have you seen this movie?"

I'm constantly getting movie recommendations because, get this, it has a character who is mentally ill. Umm... would you, a diabetic, want to see every film with a diabetic character? No. At least diabetics are portrayed correctly in film, whereas the mentally ill are overdone and stigmatized.

When I turned on Netflix today, the ad at the top was for Benny and Joon. I'd heard the title before, but never knew what it was about. When I read the synopsis, I just about choked! It reads, and I quote, "Benny is the overprotective caretaker of his mentally ill but artistically talented sister, Joon, who falls in love with an eccentric comedian." So, if you're mentally ill, that it? You can't be anything else? I don't know about you, but I'm many other things. I dance, play an instrument, write, and do photography.

I watched Girl Interrupted because, well, I wanted to, but I've given up on watching anything that has been suggested after trudging my way through Manic.

One of the most stigmatized portrayals of Bipolar Disorder got the actress an award. Sally Fields in (the ever epic) ER. I'm not dismissing her performance, but her role was what ran through my mind when I heard those words put on me. She was the reason I was afraid of coming out with my illness.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have plenty of things to blame Hollywood for, but mental illness stigmas are the worst. Along with women's body image issues, what defines a "real" man, and 40 year olds playing teenagers, and in turn, making me look 12.

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell."
"Unwell"~ Matchbox Twenty

Blast From The Past

Well, that was unexpected...

I went to my high school reunion last night. I initially didn't want to go because I've always seen reunions as a way for people to brag about their successes, but it wasn't like that at all. Yes, people talked about what they're doing now, but it was never bragging. I didn't really get to talk to very many people, but some were quite surprising. The best part: I wasn't the only single, childless person there!

It was quite eye-opening. Most people have grown out of the whole, "judgmental teenager who cares more about how they look than about how they treat people," and "my parents don't understand me because they're crazy," but some haven't. The friend that I went with pointed out that, generally speaking, the people who were shallow in high school were the ones who stayed fit, but the ones who were nice, gained weight. Side note: the awesome exception was that Brooke, the bully, is twice what she was. I couldn't stop smiling all night!

I thought I wouldn't get through the night without my friend Xanax, but it was actually fun. Not gonna lie, Xanax helped make it fun. It made me not really care about the fact that there were way too many people for the space we had. I even found a way around my lack of employment! I just told people I do photography and run a blog! Only two people asked what my blog was about, so it wasn't too uncomfortable!

This is the song that was huge when I was in high school.
"Boulevard Of Broken Songs"~ Green Day/Oasis/Aerosmith/Travis/probably someone else

  

Just My Life

That awkward moment when...

I have no idea what's happening to me. Since that thing I'm forced to call "sister" moved back in, things I've worked on quite a bit are reversing and new things are popping up that I don't understand. I'm loads more angry, I'm breaking down three to four times a week, and my anxiety is always on red alert.

A couple of nights ago, she went out, leaving just my parents and me at home (the way it should be). It was like the world was right for the first time in a while. I was genuinely smiling, laughing, and just happy! When she's here, I suddenly hate myself, have no hope, and get dangerously close to ending my life.

My mom asked what the problem was- why I can't handle my "sister" being here. I still have no answer. I don't understand why my brain is reacting so strongly. I mean, my "sister" has never been a real sister. My parents even admit that she thinks about herself first, her friends second, parents third, and somewhere down a long line of people she'd rather associate with (like drug dealers and con artists) before me. She made it very clear, growing up, that she wanted nothing to do with me. I couldn't have the same shirt, same toys, I couldn't even like the same music.

She moves in here, whines about the same things every day, can't decide what she wants to do, says one thing and does another, but the biggest problem is: she comes in here after eight years of not living here and knowing what's going on, and judges me. I have a mental illness that , lately, I am understanding less and less. She sees some of my (increasingly) weird behavior and makes her own, narrow-minded assumptions that make her look even dumber than I thought, and make me angry.

Side note: I can say whatever I want because she doesn't care enough to read this.

Tonight is my ten year high school reunion. I live at home, can't get, let alone keep a decent job, I haven't been in a relationship in nearly eight years, and I have no foreseeable successful future. Today is just awesome...

"Welcome To My Life"~ Simple Plan