Movie Night

"Have you seen this movie?"

I'm constantly getting movie recommendations because, get this, it has a character who is mentally ill. Umm... would you, a diabetic, want to see every film with a diabetic character? No. At least diabetics are portrayed correctly in film, whereas the mentally ill are overdone and stigmatized.

When I turned on Netflix today, the ad at the top was for Benny and Joon. I'd heard the title before, but never knew what it was about. When I read the synopsis, I just about choked! It reads, and I quote, "Benny is the overprotective caretaker of his mentally ill but artistically talented sister, Joon, who falls in love with an eccentric comedian." So, if you're mentally ill, that it? You can't be anything else? I don't know about you, but I'm many other things. I dance, play an instrument, write, and do photography.

I watched Girl Interrupted because, well, I wanted to, but I've given up on watching anything that has been suggested after trudging my way through Manic.

One of the most stigmatized portrayals of Bipolar Disorder got the actress an award. Sally Fields in (the ever epic) ER. I'm not dismissing her performance, but her role was what ran through my mind when I heard those words put on me. She was the reason I was afraid of coming out with my illness.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have plenty of things to blame Hollywood for, but mental illness stigmas are the worst. Along with women's body image issues, what defines a "real" man, and 40 year olds playing teenagers, and in turn, making me look 12.

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell."
"Unwell"~ Matchbox Twenty

Dream Job

Congratulations! You're officially screwed!

Today, I had an interview for a job that sounds absolutely perfect. I would be a photographer for the company who does school pictures in my area. Yes, I would be getting paid to play with a camera all day. I've been jumping hoops since high school to get a job in one of the fields I find interesting (photography and criminal justice), and I finally got the opportunity! I was even offered the job right there on the spot!

This is great, right? I'd get paid to play with a camera all day, get paid to drive all over to set up, and get to act like an idiot to make kids smile! Sounds perfect! Well, perfect except for the fact that it's full-time and ridiculously public...

As I was driving home, those two little things sank in and I got nauseous. I could barely handle eighteen hours a week with the same kids every day, how am I going to handle more than twice the hours with hundreds of different kids each day?

Photography has always been a connection for me, so maybe it would be fine, but the tiny voice in the back of my brain still says, "you're not ready for this." Anyone who knows me knows that I want a full-time job; I don't want to job hop every three months.

This is a rather precarious situation... If I take the job, my disability claim goes out the window. Granted, I'm not excited to get labeled "disabled," and would much rather work than be a government dependent, but if the job doesn't work out, I'm back at square one with a claim.

I really don't know what to do...

"Dream Big"~ Ryan Shupe & The Rubberband

Picture Of Hell

Nope, nope, nope.

So, last night, my sister and I went up to where the Utah State Capitol Building is so I could take some pictures. Whenever we do this, we crank up the stereo and dance and sing along like a couple of teenagers. It's a blast! I got some great pictures this time thanks to the fact that the sun was still up.

After the Capitol, we swung by to get my dad and the three of us went to this coffee shop that my sister knows with a great view. The second we got out of the car, I could tell that this wasn't going to be a piece of baklava.

Everyone inside were the type of people who think bathing is overrated and everything they wear/eat/whatever has to be natural (including the carcinogens in their cigarettes). Thankfully, my sister said that the view was out back.

As we walked through the shop, I could hear the music in my head get tense (like you hear in movies before you get the reprieve). I was expecting to be able to breathe deeply when we got outside, but no... Outside were the people who, in high school, look down on anyone who isn't driving a brand new BMW. Needless to say, the music went something like, DUN, DUN, DUUUUUUN.

I wish I could say that the whole time, I went through unnoticed, but the fact of the matter is, I don't fit either group and everyone was staring with their faces on permanent judgment.

Long story short, I managed to get out of there pretty fast, and, better still, managed to hold in my total and complete breakdown until I got home.

Instead of a video, I thought I'd share some of my pictures :)