I'm Sorry I'm Me

This is the only way I know how to tell you how I feel...

As you know, I've got quite a few friends out of state. One will make me a priority, no matter why she's in town. Like today... She's here for a funeral, but between planning and family time, she made a point to come hang with me for a few hours.

Another one makes me question our friendship. She came to town for a few weeks over Christmas. Yeah, I got to see her, but one time was for like an hour because her in-laws were going to be taking her family out. Then she invited me to have lunch with her and her 2 boys. She didn't mention that her other friend would be there, too. The last time she came to town, she was having a gathering at her sister's house. She asked me to meet her at her parent's. Who else was there? Her other friend. I asked if she'd like to ride with me. Nope. She'd already said she'd go with the other friend.

Tonight, I got a knife to the gut. She posted that her phone was dead and to reach her on another number. I asked if we would be doing our usual Skype calls. The other friend asked if they could Skype. Guess which one of us got a response...

My favorite, however, was when she invited me over, only to tell me when I got there that another of her friends, who openly dislikes me, was going to be there soon... I stuck around and tried to make nice, but this girl simply gave me dirty looks and short, snarky responses.

 

I drop everything to make time for this girl every time she says she's free. I bust my butt to get to wherever she happens to be staying. It seems like I'm an obligation. Something that has to be done rather than someone she genuinely enjoys spending time with.

I know my feelings are probably unfounded. She's one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. I just wish she would make me as much of a priority as I make her.

I guess I just feel like a loser.
"Loser"~ 3 Doors Down

 

Hammers & Swords

Everyone has tools to get through life. On the other side, we also have weapons which hurt, not only others, but ourselves as well. Sometimes, what we see as a tool is actually a weapon.

Allow me to expand...

When I was in high school, I didn't have a name for anything I was going through, but thinking back I realize that I had severe anxiety even back then. I had a hard time sitting in a classroom, usually with the door closed, with that many people. This resulted in me skipping nearly every class every day. One of my therapists says that it was my tool because it was keeping me safe (and sane).

I have a tendency to push people away. I hurt them before they get the chance to hurt me. This is obviously my weapon. It hurts me and the person I'm pushing away.

My blog sits in the grey area between tool and weapon. It allows me to get my feelings out, and even helps me understand why I feel the way I do. But sometimes, I use it to let my anger toward certain people and behaviors run wild.

I guess the only way to determine if you're using a tool or a weapon is to step back from the behavior and ask yourself, "Is this helpful?" The more tools we have, the easier life can be.

My therapist and I were talking about this yesterday, and I thought that maybe some of you would find this helpful.

This has always been one of my favorite songs.
"Hold On"~ Wilson Phillips

More Therapy

WOOT!!!

I started physical therapy a few days ago because I've been having pain in my knee again. It's really exciting, especially when my knee gives out. Such a thrill.

ANYWHO... my physical therapist told me that my knee hurts partly due to inflammation in my patella tendon and partly because the muscles in that leg are practically useless. Since my surgery five years ago, I've babied it so much that I never regained and kind of muscle strength. So he gave me a few exercises to do every day as well as a few I'm only allowed to do every other day.

As you can imagine, I was pretty bummed that I can't use my treadmill. I was finally in a rhythm and I thought my leg was doing better (I was wrong, of course). At PT, I use an exercise bike. Everyone who has ever ridden a bike knows that it builds muscle in your legs. Well, the only one in our house is circa 1970-something and incredibly difficult to adjust for seat height. Since my dad uses it every day, it was going to be quite a chore to move it for my five-minute-per-day workout. Solution: Get a new one.

Have you ever looked at the prices of exercise bikes?! It's insane! Well, we looked on a local site where people sell things. We found a very gently used, one year old bike for quite a steal! I couldn't actually believe that my parents would get this for me, so when my dad and I went out to look at this bike, I wasn't expecting to take it home. I mean, my parents have other, more important bills to worry about. But alas, it is now sitting in my bedroom and I'm SO excited to get my legs as strong as they should be!

Thank you mom and dad!!!!

 

Here's the song that has been stuck in my head...

"Cinderblock Garden"~ All Time Low



A Weighty Post

Exercise.

5 years ago, I had to have my leg broken, twisted, and pinned. I was stuck in a wheelchair for a few weeks. A year after that, I had to have my Achilles lengthened, putting me back in the chair. Unable to really walk well and confidently, I quickly gained 70 pounds. This, as you can imagine, took a huge toll on my self esteem. Before that, I had started dressing somewhat fashionably and doing my hair and makeup. I looked like a girl! 

With the weight also came depression. I kept telling myself that I was fat. I started wearing whatever was cheap and that fit, stopped doing my hair, and only wore basic makeup. I told myself that exercise was pointless because I was fat (our justification when depressed is a bit off). 

Last month, I started using the treadmill in my basement. At first, fifteen minutes was nearly impossible. Monday night, however, I made it to 51 minutes! My leg tends to protest until I get it really warmed up, but it's starting to hurt later and later into my workout!

My depression also seems to let up a bit while I'm working out and a little while after. I may keep losing and regaining the same two pounds, but the effect exercising is having on just my leg makes it worth it! The last time I was able to use my leg that much with little-to-no pain was when I was ten years old! 

Bad segue in 3... 2... 1...

I'm still falling into a deep depression. Most psychiatrists will say to come in sooner than your appointment of things get hard. I've never taken them up on this. Until today, that is. I actually called in and asked to see my doctor sooner. I get to see her tomorrow. Here's hoping for a brighter week ahead.

Again, I wrote this on my phone, so no song today. Sorry!

I'm A Yo-Yo

I wish that the depression funk was more like "Funky Town."

I had my appointment for med management yesterday. I was less than pleased to inform my doctor that I'm falling into a depression again. The medications I've been on have worked well for me, but apparently they needed a little tweaking. On the bright side: tweaking is an option!

With all the pills I'm on, I'm surprised I haven't had a lethal combination yet. Fun fact: I'm taking diet pills because I'm struggling to lose weight on my own. That wasn't the fun fact, but this is: diet pills are uppers. Uppers trigger mania. "But you just said you were falling into a depression." Why yes, yes I did, and yes I am. The uppers only make me manic for an hour or two a day. It's a nice reprieve, but when you're manic and it's 30F outside... not exactly "outside weather."

I'm a little afraid with the tweaks, however. Yes, my downer (Prozac) was increased by 10mg, but my diet pills were raised by 15mg, doubling the dose that already makes me manic. Yesterday was the first day that I had taken the new dosages, and I got more done in those two hours than I usually do in four days.

Unlike many I've talked to, I do not welcome my mania. It is not my friend. I get more anxious, my panic attacks increase, I have the attention span of a SQUIRREL!, and I wind up breaking down if I've been manic for about a week. Yes, I become care-free and elated, but I know myself too well to really enjoy it.

So... Panic! at the Disco's new album is out now! Death of a Bachelor, and it's great!!!
"Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time"

People & Therapy

Sometimes I need to be alone. Forcing me to be around people, even by implied obligation is not going to end well. Saturday day was one of those days.

My parents and I went down to the BYU Museum of Art to see the Norman Rockwell exhibit. The tickets are free, so you can imagine the crowds. I was less than pleased about being around people in general, but that many people, plus the close quarters in the car on the 40 minute drive down there? I wasn't in the best of moods. I managed to choke it down and remain mostly pleasant, but inside I was screaming!

Today isn't much better. I'm in a rather foul mood and have kept most of my speaking monosyllabic. That made for a fun therapy session... I feel like screaming, crying, and punching things and I don't really know why. I'm on meds that have been working better than anything I've tried, but I still get the rapid cycle going on. My highs and lows are much more even, but steady, they're not. If someone designed a roller coaster after my moods, it would probably kill some people because of the quick up-to-down.

Bad segue in 3... 2... 1...

I learned something. I'm always telling myself negative things. Things like "I'm awkward around people," and "I'm useless." One of my therapists (yes, I have two. Judge me.) told me to start putting "I tell myself that..." in front of every negative thought. I've been really watching my thoughts and I've found that I'm ridiculously self-deprecating! I mean... I tell myself that I'm ridiculously self-deprecating. She says that wording it that way distances you from the thought so it's easier to overcome. Just in the last three days, I've managed to distance myself from a few negative thoughts that I think all the time. Try it!

So... I have Instagram. I post random things and would love to share my journey with anyone willing to put up with me. Find me @rie_define.

Wait, What?

I missed announcing my 200th post! This is my 203rd, so I guess it's close enough.

Oh.

I have a tendency to not notice things. Like, when I was a senior in high school, I took my dad's old video camera to school. This was a model circa 1998. While I was using it, some snobbish girl laughed and said, "That thing is huge." I looked at it and with no understanding why she would say this, I said, "No it's not." I didn't think it was that big. It's not like it required its own zip code.

Then there's music. I've said before how I have more music than most people know exists, but 99.9% of the time, I cannot tell you what genre something is. I only know when iTunes tells me.

The biggest, and usually most embarrassing thing I don't notice, is people's race. I have a friend who, after I'd known her for quite a while, had to point out why she hates wearing her glasses. She's part Asian and her nose doesn't hold the glasses up. I had no idea.

Why do I not notice these things? Because I frankly don't care. I'm proud of my possessions, no matter how outdated. I like music, not genres. And I only care about how a person treats others.

Side note: I've written this whole thing on my phone while waiting for a doctor, so forgive the lack of musical punctuation that I usually do.

Happy New Year!

Resolutions.

Last year, my resolution was to read two whole books. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I'm not much of a reader and I read slowly. Well, I procrastinated until November to really start reading. I was afraid I wouldn't make it, but by the end of December 31st, I had read four and a half books! Like, real books! Without pictures! I'm now on the sixth and final book of Chelsea Cain's "Archie Sheridan/Gretchen Lowell" series! I highly recommend this series to anyone who likes a good serial killer thriller! Chelsea Cain has me, a non-reader, turning pages!

In order, the books are:
Heartsick
Sweetheart
Evil At Heart
The Night Season
Kill You Twice
Let Me Go

Now that I'm done placing this author on a pedestal...

This year, my goal is to learn my triggers... and read two more books. I still think New Year's resolutions are stupid because, if you want to change something, do it. You don't need to wait for January 1st.

I have also started exercising! I've been doing it for a couple of weeks. It's helping even out my moods, too! Absolutely no need to wait until the new year to work on a new you.

Here's a throwback song...
"Anthem for the Year 2000"~ Silverchair