No Better

So many types of toxic people, so few nerves left intact.

I've written, before, about not begging for attention from those who obviously don't want to be in your life. I'm finally taking my own words to heart. 

I've got friends, then I've got Facebook friends. People who do nothing more than hold a place, and make me seem more popular than I really am. People don't like me. I accepted this a long time ago, and I frankly don't care. I've got the best, most amazing real friends, so I tend not to notice others. But those others who feel the need to "unfollow" me, just to spare my feelings by not deleting me, those are the worst.

Some of these are blatantly ignoring me, and others choose to stay out of my life, completely.

I've got some people who I used to be super close to, who are now FB placeholders. The vast majority of them unfollowed me for the most petty of the twenty-first century reasons: politics. Super adult-ing, there, folks. 

Welp, I'm not going to keep placeholders, anymore. I deserve better. I deserve real friends. Friends are involved with each other's lives. Friendship isn't a one-way street.

So, for all my FB placeholders, this is your last chance to show you're still the person who was my friend. For any reasons you may have for walking out of my life that abruptly, you've got one last chance. Be a friend, or go your own way.

Dear readers, I implore you, do not allow yourself to be taken in by people who don't cherish you, just as much as you cherish the! You're worth much more!

ISO: Big-Girl Pants

Nope, nope, nope.

Today marks something in my life that has literally never happened before. I have officially been working forty hours per week, for a month! Major milestone, here! Of course, working at home definitely helps. No traffic, no weather, no special work clothes. It's wonderful!

I'm plugging along, enjoying life, when I'm punched in the face with an upcoming "retreat". I got an email asking for ideas on where to go, and where to eat. There was definitely panic involved.

I'm not big on socializing, in general. Add in loud, busy places, and I'm gonna have to take the next three weeks off, just to recover from that.

It's nothing against my coworkers or manager, at all. Everyone is great! I simply can't do everything normal people do. Add in the whole "I'm deaf" thing, and it'll wind up being me sitting awkwardly, while everyone else talks. That is, if the places are loud. Not even the best hearing aids help when there's a ridiculous amount of background noise.

By the time I was seven, I was a pro at talking my way out of things. Sure, some of them are awkward, and leave people entirely confused, but I still did it. And every single time, I made things up. "I've got a family thing that night", or "So sorry, but I've got something I've got to do", or "My mom called, and something terrible has happened" type things. 

I've worked very hard to stop lying to get out of things. It doesn't help my cause, and it definitely isn't easy keeping all those fibs straight. But, as we all know, the truth is much harder to say. "I'm super anxious, here, and need to leave" is perfectly fine to say, and people usually understand, but saying it is near impossible. 

I've now got to stand up, put on my big-girl pants, and explain that I simply don't do well in social situations. Or, on the flip side, I could put on my big-girl pants, and expose myself to something that seems impossible, but may actually turn out well. Either way, I've got to find a way to do this.

Umm... Not Ok.

Beyond pathetic. Absolutely inexcusable.

As some of you may know, I started a new job last month. In fact, tomorrow marks one month! And this isn't necessarily just a job. There's a very real possibility that it could turn into a career! Full time, benefitted, the works.

With this new job, comes new health insurance. Yes, I pay through the nose for it, as well as for the co-pays, but at least I'm earning my care, now!

The only plan I was able to really afford, happened to be the only plan my therapist of three-or-so years did not accept. I let her know in advance. Plenty of time to wrap things up. Or, so I thought.

I wanted to be sure she'd canceled my future appointments, so I sent her a text. Her response? Nothing. Zip. Thumb-tied. She ghosted me faster than a blind date would ghost a raw-organic-vegan (which I totally got stuck with, one time).

As a professional, that's not OK. As a therapist, that's dangerous. You don't ghost someone with a delicate mental state. Thankfully, I'm pretty good on my own. But it does make me wonder if she's done this to others who weren't OK. 

No, I'm not going to tell you her name, or where she's located. But I will tell you that she'd not ever really helped me. It was always just shooting the breeze, or ranting about one thing or another. No actual work has been done in the more than three years I'd been seeing her. I'm sure that works for some, but it definitely doesn't work for me.

So, farewell, old therapist. Great person, and definitely helps many others! But I'm glad to be moving on.

It Just Never Ends

My body is bound and determined to stop me from reaching my weight loss goal.

For those not in the know, I was born with the bones in my legs and arms twisted. This includes the bones in my feet and hands. All of which have varying degrees of rotation. I had one leg fixed, and that's all that's ever gonna happen. I hope. I also deal with Dystonia in my left foot. Because why not? 

Welp, thanks to this lovely deformity, I tend to injure myself quite easily. My wrists are useless, both with chronic tendinitis, and playing the cello is interesting, as my fingers aren't straight-on, but sideways. But the worst is the rotation plus the Dystonia, in my left leg, have combined to just about kill me.

My Dystonia forces my foot forward, making my knee go to an uncomfortable degree inward. Last October, I managed to injure something in the back of my knee, which is supposed to be impossible to injure. Since it's impossible, two doctors had no idea how to treat it. "Rest and ice" is what I got. Yes, that time it did help. Not this time. 

It doesn't stop there, no... 

Today, I officially overworked the tendon on the top of my right foot, to the point of actual tears (as in legit crying). It frickin hurts! How did this happen? Twisted tarsals, and lots of walking.

Since I re-injured my knee, I haven't been able to use my bike, or my snazzy new sitting elliptical, so I've been walking (carefully) while work is slow. I was super proud of myself, yesterday, when I got over 10,000 steps! I've been getting, like, 2,000, so this was awesome! I'm paying for that, now, after getting over 8,000, today.

I guess my body decided that a three pound loss was enough, and just shut down.

Bright side: I'm still three pounds down! In just three weeks, too! That hasn't happened since I was eighteen and still dancing!

Should Have Known

Urge to stab...

The evening of July 4th, our air conditioner kicked the bucket. Couldn't find anyone to come out until the 7th. It got up to 88° inside. 

On the 7th, we had a new stove delivered, after our seventeen-year-old one died, a few weeks before. The guys couldn't install it, because the wall has the wrong kind of outlet.

Also on the 7th, in the evening, the thermostat for the air conditioner decided to finally stop working. Once again, it got up to 88° inside.

Here we are, today...

The air works, thanks to a friend of a friend, who came out to install the new thermostat. It would have been fine, if the thing would have fixed it a year ago, when the thermostat started having issues. But what does it care? It's got the nice cool basement to escape to.

We still have no stove. Why? Because it canceled the appointment for the electrician, who was supposed to come this coming Thursday. But, you know, what does it care? It's not the one who has to cook.

I've said it for a long time, and I'll say it again: This house is a dump, and it's 100% the narc's fault. It doesn't believe in updating a house. Most of the carpet and paint, here, is circa 1970-something. Original to the house. Any updates have been paid for by mom. Usually after a lengthy debate about how she doesn't want to live in a dump, and it throwing a tantrum, because it doesn't want to do it, let alone help.

It broke its toilet, in the basement, a couple months ago, but won't fix it. We got so many generous donations to fix the kitchen floor, but won't allow anyone to come in to do that, insisting that it can do it, but we all know it won't do it  (yes, that money is still put away for that purpose).

It's father was a hoarder, and it had to clean out the apartment when he died. It's not just the garbage, it's the damage done because of that garbage. Now it's placing that on me. But, as we all know, narcissists don't give a single crap about anyone else, and hoarders literally have panic attacks when actual garbage is chucked. So, mom and I live in a dump, because Herr Henry VIII (yes, that's a reference to 2 people) won't allow anything to get fixed.

Ladies and gents... my life.

Growing More Cranky

My life. My reality.

OK, you know what? I'm so close to being done with you. Literally anything I say, these days, gets an angry response. Everything. My existence, alone, seems to set you off. You whine and complain about anything and everything, but if I ask how you are, I get either a huge sigh, an annoyed grunt, or a combo of the two.

Yeah, I complain. Everyone does. Get over it. Not everything I say needs to be greeted with distain, because, believe it or not, you complain a crap load more than I do! Just listen to yourself!

You're growing into one of those cranky old women that nobody wants to talk to, and will have customer service people making notes in your file, so as to avoid taking your call. And 99% of your anger and irritation is aimed at me, when I'm not the one creating those feelings in you. 

It's not fair. I have to prance on broken glass, and pray I don't have the "wrong" tone, or ask the "wrong" question.

Mom, you've been my only source of sanity, in this hell created by the monster you married, and now I've not even got you. You defend that monster's behaviors, and get mad at me, not it, when it starts a fight! Do you not see the idiocy in that???

I don't even know who you are, anymore. Since you retired, you went from mom to cranky old woman, in less than three months. And you're just getting worse.

I beg you... DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS! Go to therapy, if you think that'll help control your moods. Or, here's a crazy idea... Aim your anger and irritation at those causing those feelings, instead of piling it all on me!

Once that's taken care of, you can start trying to make me a priority when we're together, instead of your elder child or something on your phone. I sit there, in silence, as it's made crystal freaking clear that you don't really want to be stuck with me.

34 years of narcissistic abuse has set me on the edge of the roof. Don't be the wind that finishes it.

So Loved

I literally have the best friends in the world. Hands down. Your argument is invalid.

I have successfully completed two whole weeks of training for the new job that has turned out to be so much more complicated than I'd imagined. It's been a bit like trying to fit a soccer ball into the hole of a needle, and I'm pretty sure my brain has escaped through my ears to find shelter.

Anyhow, I put on Facebook how I finally feel like a real adult, and how I can actually have some pride in myself. No surprise, my friends were 110% supportive. So many likes, loves, and comments, telling me that I've got a network of amazing people!

We all have friends, especially on Facebook, who we don't really talk to, but we all still support each other. We don't always come across each other's posts, or react to them, but we all know they're still there. Just because you don't talk every single day, doesn't mean you don't care. That's what the "delete" button is for.

Anyhow, I was thinking, late last night, how these wonderful humans have always supported all my major life decisions and changes. Every time I got the job, got accepted into a college, or simply made a big jump in my mental health, they're there. Every time something has failed, they're there. 

I've been blessed with a spider web of fantastic friends who catch me when I fall, and help me get back up. 

Nobody can get anywhere, alone. We all need good people with us, encouraging us to be our best, and empathic when we need a pick-me-up. If you don't have those types of people, you're hanging with the wrong crowd, because you deserve to have people challenging you to be your best self. You deserve to be around people who love you, and who you can love and support.

YOU ARE WORTH IT! And don't let anyone tell you otherwise!