Fine, Do Your Thing

Just don't expect me to follow your lead.

Today is the last day I try to get my mom to stand up for herself. She never will, and trying to get her to, just irritates her. So, I give. 

My mom is the epitome of abused wife. She's been abused so long that she can't say anything, anymore. The narc gets its way, every single time, because mom has been conditioned to fear its wrath. 

Now, this started long ago. This isn't something that happens suddenly. It most likely started with something like:

Narc: I want this here.

Mom: OK. Doesn't bother me.

After forty years, she is so afraid to piss off the asshole that literally anything it wants, she permits. She has given in so much, that she has zero rights. 

A friend if mine posted a picture, reading, "You can't keep getting angry at someone for sucking the life out of you, if you keep giving them the straw". But give it the straw, she does.

One of the biggest problems I have with Mormonism is their views on marriage. They believe that, if they're married in a special building, with very specific words said, that it's for all eternity. If someone, like a narcissist, should be abusive, or if he has an affair, they have to petition their church to get a "temple divorce", like it matters. Fun fact: In the afterlife, God will not force people to be together, despite these unforgivable actions, just because they were married in a special building. Divorce is divorce. But, as mom is a faithful member of that church, she believes otherwise. It's her right to believe that way, but she's just harming herself.

She is so conditioned to obey the narc, that if she does get slightly annoyed, it'll say, "What's your problem?!" Her response? To bury it deep, eat her feelings and needs, and conceed to what it needs or wants.

So, mom, I will stop trying to coax you into standing up for yourself, and that waste of space will continue to push you lower and lower, until you are literally nothing. I can't help you, anymore. I, however, will continue to fight off the abuse, and set boundaries. Yes, it'll throw fits over literally everything, but that's not going to be my problem. I didn't create this monster. Neither did you, but you sure as hell helped make it as bad as it is, today. And by continuing to indulge the asshole's demands, you continue to make its reactions worse. Good luck with that.

Making it angry will actually help show that it's not God, despite what it believes it is. I know it's uncomfortable for you, but what's worse: Dealing with 20 minutes of anger, or living the rest of your life with a proverbial gun to your head, being made to cater to it out of fear?

Your choice.

Antsy

I'm not a patient person...

OK, readers... Once again, I have applied for an absolutely wonderful job, and I'm awaiting their answer. I got the first interview, the second interview, and the request for my references (again, thanks Kappas!), and I'm going nuts, waiting on a phone call.

The seriously lucky people who will be offered positions, will hear between May 24 (which has passed), and June 7. Two solid weeks of nail-biting anxiety, going back and forth from, "I screwed it up, as usual," to "I think I have a chance!" Not a fun place to be.

Understand that this is an absolutely incredible opportunity, with an incredible company! So, the more time that passes, the more nervous I get. This has created problems.

I haven't been sleeping well, I've been more attached to my phone than a teenager trying to get Tik Tok famous, and despite my exercise routine, I've gained weight, thanks to all the junk food I shove in my mouth. 

Did I mention that this is an absolutely incredible opportunity???

I haven't been this nervous about a potential job in... well, ever. It would completely change my life, in the best ways possible! 

On the bright side, I've been working on a story I've been writing. 99.9% sure it'll never get published, but I'm entertained by it! I've also been advancing on both piano and cello, and my Dutch, Welsh, Irish, and Greek are all coming along nicely. All because of my nervous energy. Put that energy to good use, if you find yourself with an excess of it. You'd be surprised what you can do!

Repeated... Again

I'm sensing an overly obvious pattern...

My June 15, 2020 post, Enough Is Enough, maps out yet another narcissistic blow-up, where it causes the problem, but when I defend myself, suddenly I'm the one with the problem. It "apologized", and gave the usual empty words, "This won't happen again. I promise."

Wanna guess what this post is going to be about? Thats right, folks! There was yet another narcissistic fight. It poked and prodded, giving first grade level comebacks to anything I said, and it wound up with me throwing a bottle of mayonnaise (because, close) at the useless waste of space, and it getting in my face. It was about six inches away from my face. Mind you, I was stuck in a chair, with nowhere to go. Big man, it is... Had it not moved, I'd have kicked it in its obviously microscopic junk. Or in its knee, which would have broken it. Either way, I wouldn't have lost a second of sleep.

Let's take a step back to the first grade level comebacks. I don't remember most of them, but there was one that perfectly showed the emotional maturity of a narcissist. I said how we were going back to elementary comebacks, and it legit said, "I don't think you even know what a school is". Yes, really. 

This waste of space, air, and energy, deserves a special place in hell, where it's constantly needled with the crap it puts on others. The condescension, the manipulation, the "my way, no highway" ways, the whole flying-off-the-handle-because-it-wasn't-done-my-way crap... The list goes on. And on. And on. And on...

The day it finally dies, I will praise God, like I've never praised Him before! It will be the best day of my life! Unfortunately, the only thing I can do is continue to pray to God, asking that the narc's end comes quickly, and with pain equal to that which it has inflicted.

A Quick Notice

Hey readers!

In case you hadn't heard, Blogger is discontinuing the option for email subscriptions. You won't be able to subscribe, and if you are a current subscriber, you will no longer receive those emails. This is planned to happen at the end of July, 2021. 

As I know that some of you rely on those emails, I invite you to join our Facebook Community where I post each blog. It's also a place to learn about, support, and get support for mental health. Not many people post, but it's definitely encouraged!

I wish this didn't have to happen, but I've no control over it. Maybe enough people will complain, and it'll get turned around. Who knows?

No More Excuses

Stop. Now.

Far too often, people will blame their disability, ranging from hardly noticeable to life altering, for bad behavior. Even more often are the excuses made by someone who thinks they're being genuine. Neither are helpful.

As I'm sure most of you have heard, there was a 4-year-old boy who bought over $2,600 worth of popsicles. He's getting all sorts of attention, people think it's cute, and all the brat has learned is that, if he does something bad, he gets rewarded. But there are so many clueless morons out there who believe he shouldn't be punished based on his age and, apparently, because he's "on the spectrum". 

People always assume that autism is an excuse for literally anything that person does. The idea that autism keeps people from knowing right from wrong, purple from blue, or up from down, is the most idiotic thing. I've been blessed enough to work with some beautiful souls, while I was working in a special education room. Some of these beautiful souls were autistic, and you will never convince me that autism is equal to stupidity or ignorance. I had one who could beat me at math, puzzles, and Uno. I had another, who didn't speak much, but was the best artist I'd seen. But my biggest argument is... When these kids broke rules, they were corrected, and they learned! 

People make excuses for anything. Here, in Salt Lake City, back in the 80's or 90's, there were two schizophrenics who decided to shoot up buildings. One at the Triad Center, and the other at the LDS church's Family History Library. Both ended with body counts. People actually tried the "They didn't know what they were doing" bull. At least one of the two had the mind to plan it out. They knew exactly what they were doing. It wasn't the illness-- it was the person.

I'm so bloody tired of people making excuses, therefore creating more fear, and/or less understanding. 

So, by the logic of people like this, I, a redhead, have no soul. Or that my twisted legs make it so I can't understand how it feels to be free. Or because I have green eyes, I'm evil. 

This needs to stop, but it never will. Especially these days, when "diversity" reigns, instead of facts.

One Thing After Another

I'm done with today. Maybe tomorrow, too.

Have you ever had something irritating happen, then everything that happens after that just follows the same path? That's me, today.

I went with my mom to go to the car wash, and grab something at McDonald's. While I was using the vacuum at the car wash, I bashed my head while getting into the car. This, in turn, made me absurdly aware of the ice pick trying to come out of my ear.

These two things had me beyond frustrated and annoyed. Then... When we got home, I dropped the McDonald's bag, spilling some fries. Since today is the day Henry decides to finally lift a finger and vacuum the dining room, I couldn't get to the trash bin. He wouldn't move, so I threw the fries in the general direction of the bin, silently praying it interfered with his moment of helpfulness. 

Things that followed were far too infuriating for how minor they were. My phone slid off the couch, I got yet another eyelash in my eye, the soundbar cuts the sound when I change the volume... The list goes on. And on. Aaaaaaannnnnnnd on.

I call times like these my "mini manic moments", because the way I feel, and the way I react to these chains of disasters, is 100% mania. There's no precursor, the irritant only lasts an hour or two, but it is full. blown. mania. 

I'm not in a manic state. My meds are usually just fine. I just get these mini manic moments, every now and then. It doesn't mean I need to up my dose. I simply have to step back, take a breath, take myself out of my own way, and chill. 

It took me years to recognize that this happens, and years more to figure out how to fix myself during these. It's nice to have more control over myself, my feelings, and my actions.