... but still wind up doing it.
Hello. My name is Charmaine, and I have a problem with focusing on the people who don't like me.
For my entire life, I've been the one people don't like. I'm the weird one who is the easiest target, in literally every situation, for bullies to find. I don't know why (other than I'm socially awkward), but if there's someone who can make themselves feel better by stepping on others, you better believe I'm the stepping stone they'll use. It started with my narcissistic father, spread to my narcissistic sister, and blew up to monumental levels when I hit school. It's even followed me through my adult life, which is particularly sad when you think of fully grown adults who need to step on others to feel better about themselves.
When I worked at the bookstore, I didn't read the "right" kind of books. When I worked at the music store, I didn't listen to the "right" kind of music. At my current job, my IQ and maturity levels are higher than junior high, so I don't fit in with the bombardment of "you're a grossy gross" "no, you're a grossy gross" and such childishness.
Not fitting in has given the insecure individuals in each group a firm step on me and my refusal to change who I am to adapt to what I "should" be or do.
I'm me, and I'm not ashamed of it. But those people-- the entirely insecure ones who need to feel superior-- can still make me feel like the 11-year-old child in me. The one who's on the ground, curled up in a ball, getting the snot kicked out of her by the school bee-otch and her henchmen.
No matter how much I tell myself that I don't care what others think... I still care what others think. Maybe not as much as I used to, but it still hurts when I get these people flat-out saying things as to how I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not cool enough.
Don't get me wrong, I'm trying very hard to understand that there are people in my life who actually like me, but I'm not quite to the level where they mean more than the bullies. I'm in my mid-30s and still struggling to understand that I'm not the pity friend or the obligation.
Likewise, I'm in my mid-30s and still struggling with bullies. If you're still dealing with being bullied after high school, know that you're not alone. Those people exist in a sad, sad world where they don't believe they're good enough, so they have to use you to step up on. Work on ignoring them. I know I'm still working on it.
You can do it. I believe in you.
