My Brain Is Crying

More than a case of the Mondays.

I've tried to keep upbeat all morning. Lunch hit and everything went to pot. I'm not tired, but I have exactly zero energy. I used it all up this morning.

I'm sitting here, dying inside, debating on whether of not to ask for the afternoon off. I'm procrastinating, in hopes that I can make it to the end of the day. I've been quiet, not getting involved more than I have to, trying to conserve what little I had in the way of faked happiness and motivation. 

I can't talk the way I need to for my job. I can't write the way I want to for my blog. I can't express myself well today.

Days like this are horrible. Too down to do literally anything. Can't even take a nap because I wouldn't be able to sleep.

So here I sit, praying I make it through the day, dreading the inevitable long afternoon. T-minus four hours and counting.

Karma Chameleon

It comes... OK, so it hasn't gone.

I hate that absolutely useless piece of human tissue that seems to think it's in total control. It can't even be called Henry anymore, because it is not human. To be human, one must have a basic sense of humanity. A narcissist has no humanity, because it is a construct of its own mind. It doesn't care. About anything. It is incapable of thinking of anyone but itself. It wants what it wants, everyone else be damned.

It's memory is fading at a slightly alarming rate. We'll, alarming to my mom. Yesterday, it referred to a frying pan as a "coated pot." Mind you, a couple years ago, it straight up refused to acknowledge my mom when she called a small soup pan a "pan", insisting that it's a pot. Oh, and we're not allowed to say "crap" anymore, because, and I quote, "Do you know what that means? That's disgusting." Apparently we must refer to everything as exactly what it is, because it hates the word "stuff."

My mom and it are part of the LDS (Mormon) church. They teach that the man is head of the household-- meant to guide a family. It doesn't guide. It doesn't even lead. It controls, absolutely. Better still is the "calling" it has as the "branch president" of a congregation. Despite having less than twenty members in the branch, it gets such an ego boost from it. It's even more unbearable, as the years go on.

Oh, and I almost forgot... That church has a song that goes, "There is beauty all around when there's love at home." Interesting... There was love, yes, but only from mom. It took great pleasure in bullying me to the point of me getting so angry that I'd throw things. Mind you, I was supposedly the one with the problem. Yeah... total "inspiration" behind making it a leader 🙄

Literally nothing gets fixed in the house, unless it finally affects it. A nail that kept hooking on my pants for years was only fixed when it hooked on it. My toilet seat was hanging on by a thread for years, but it only got fixed when it fell off while trying to work on the tank (because it wouldn't flush). Yes, I laughed at that. The image if it stuck between the toilet and wall... Gold. 

Am I callous? Yes. But with what it has put me through, I've had to become that way for self-preservation. Yes, it still makes me angry, and yes, it still gets a kick out of that. However, I've just started treating its messes the way it used to treat mine. And I won't stop, because I refuse to lose my rights to a pansy-ass, overgrown toddler. Plus there's the whole "it's fairly close to the day it dies" thing that keeps me going.

If there's one thing everyone needs to know about narcissists, it's that they are so incredibly insecure that they need to control everyone and everything, and they need to tear down everyone for everything, in order to feel superior. It's a pathetic existence. 

Don't bow to a narcissist. At all. Ever. For any reason. You'll just start an avalanche, and wind up a shell of your former self.

Here We Go

Let's see if this works.

I've officially been at my job for six months, with the 21st of this month marking seven months. At this company, January is stupid busy, and we've been told that we can work all the overtime we want, all month. Key factor: we are not allowed any time off until February. This is where it gets a bit masochistic.

Since this is my first full-time job since 2011, and the first to last more than two months, I've already reached a major goal of mine. I feel awesome! I'm officially off all government subsidized programs (disability and medicaid), and I finally feel like I have a purpose! Every day, I have at least one person who is so overwhelmed by the fact that I could help them, that they just say "thank you, thank you so much". While I may not be saving lives, I like to think that I save people from stress. Either way, I'm doing something to help.

Back to the overtime thing...

I've decided that I'm going to work just forty-five minutes extra per day. Now, as someone who is still kind of adjusting to having to be at the same place for eight hours a day, five days a week, this is quite the high jump. Yes, I work at home, but it's still talking to people for eight hours and forty-five minutes, five days a week. That totals almost forty-four hours a week. 

Yes, I have the option of simply working my scheduled shifts, and I'm telling myself that if I can't do the extra on some days, that's perfectly fine. However, I have a problem with buying Little Mermaid figurines, and that money would come in handy 😂 But still, the most important part of this is being able to push my limits just a bit, to prove to myself, and only to myself, that I can do this; that I can reach these goals. I've already worked three days of overtime, so if I can't do it tomorrow, I'm fine with that. We all need a break sometimes, right?

Short post.