Positively Possible

Out with the bad, in with the good.

I've had a negative outlook on the world for as long as I can remember. I've always expected people to not like me, avoid me, and bully me. That was my life, though. Since the third grade, those have been my experiences with people. Even as an adult, I expect people to be that way. But the catch is... it's not always that way.

Expecting people to treat me poorly has actually made me treat them poorly. Having my guard up 24/7 means I'm all business with cashiers and I tend to take the smallest slight as a battle cry. This, as you can imagine, doesn't turn out well. Most of the time, anyhow. It's not something I do intentionally. It's just automatic due to conditioning. That's going to change. Starting last week.

A page I follow for the absolutely adorable Golden Retriever pictures, has actually become a kind of friend. The one running the page has some good common sense and wisdom. She(?) said something about eliminating the negative things that occupy too much space in my brain, and filling that space with positives. This is my new goal. 

How does this work? Let me tell you... I don't know. I've only been working on this for a week. I've taken one tiny event in my life-- one that has created disproportionate resentment-- and I've been picturing it dissipating (like when Voldemort turns to ash). When those pieces get higher, they turn to butterflies. So I'm not just trying to get rid of the thoughts, which let's face it, never works... I'm releasing it, and learning from it. 

It happened. I can't change that. What I CAN do is learn from it. I learned that, when you're dancing and you drop your prop, dont pick it up. I also learned that, when my teacher railed on me for it, she was young. She may not have known another way to explain how what I did wasn't protocol. And she, like many young ladies, was a perfectionist. That's ok. She's grown, I've grown. It's not worth holding on to.

Now to fill that space with positives. No, I'm not going to replace it with a good memory. That would be redundant, as those good memories already have their space. I'm going to find new things to put in that space. I don't know what, and I don't know when. I just have to look for anything positive, which requires me to actually LOOK for the positives that happen in my daily life. And if I'm going to FIND these positives, I have to let the wall down. I have to allow myself to open up a little and accept that, maybe people aren't so bad, after all. 

Never miss a post by following @BlogAboutMH86 on Twitter! (Maybe I should have gone into marketing...)

Repetition

So tired of this...

I just went to the urgent care, and I was about ready to scream. Those people were the worst I'd ever encountered at a so-called care facility.

This incision is obviously open. It's been bleeding and is pretty red. The nurses said "It looks like just some skin that's raised, which happens sometimes." So... my skin is now blood-red? Interesting. I didn't know there were people out there with blood-red skin. I must seek them out and join my people.

Just about every time I go to the urgent care, or the emergency room, for something that can't be seen right away, they look at my chart, see the Seroquel, and assume I'm being hysterical or imagining my problem. I have a psychiatric illness, so nothing I experience physically can be real, right? I can't have any problems like internal bleeding, because all I'm doing is imagining my pain.

This isn't the case for good doctors and facilities, though. There are the good ones out there. However, by far, most doctors and nurses believe that psychiatric patients are imagining or faking.

I'm livid. Absolutely burning with anger. I'm in PAIN here, and I was brushed off as just another crazy psych patient wanting attention.

When is mental illness going to gain the same status as cancer, asthma, or respiratory viruses? If a psych patient feels a lump, it's a freak out. If an asthma patient feels a lump, they get a biopsy. If the psych patient asks for a biopsy, we get "Well, if it'll make you feel better." Although, no lie, it's really fun to get the "oh" when they find out I was right.

I'm on the verge of angry-crying. 

People suck.

Also, the Blogger app has an issue and I'm about ready to throw my phone against a wall. When I make a new paragraph, it just keeps putting more and more spaces, so while I'm typing, it keeps going up and up, and I have to quickly erase the paragraph spaces before I completely lose what I'm doing. Adding insult to injury is going to earn these things a punch to the face. 

Big Changes

 ... and some things stay the same.

In the last two months, there have been some incredible changes in my life. Life-altering changes. Changes that I'm not fully prepared for, but will happen, anyhow.

In December, I went out to a podunk town to look at a house that was within my price range. I put in an offer, but someone else bid higher than I could go. I obviously didn't get it. The very next day, in the same town, on the same street, another house went on the market. It's bigger, has a bigger yard, but it doesn't have all the fancy upgrades. I loved it, anyhow, and submitted an offer. Fast forward, and I'm just waiting on news to close on it! I'm supposed to close by the end of February, so I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, biting my nails, and hoarding every box from Amazon I get.

Adding to that was me having major surgery just over a week ago. It was planned, and incredibly necessary, but not the greatest timing. My recovery is going so much better than I thought. Bonus: I didn't need any narcotic painkillers after the dose they gave me in recovery! That one dose left me so manic, I thought I would die. My wonderful neighbor dropped me off and picked me up, and I'm pretty sure I didn't shut up the whole 20-minute ride home. Sorry, K!

Something that hasn't changed is King Henry VIII's controlling temper tantrums. Unless you count getting worse as a change. So I upped my game. He's not amused, but I'm highly satisfied. 

My point in telling you all this is that, despite all these changes in my life, I've managed to keep myself level and employed. Two or three years ago, one of these things would have sent me into a tailspin so fast that I'd be on the floor in 2.3 seconds. Friends, followers... It really is possible to pull yourself up from the deepest, darkest depths of whatever Hell you're living in. Never in a million years would I have thought I'd be going on two years at a full-time job, let alone buying a house! 

Never judge where you are by someone else's life. I'm still learning that, but I hope this message gets to the right person. I had given up on life. I had given up on myself. All my friends were married, had graduated college, had a family... and here I was, living with my parents well into my 30s, no husband, no college degree, no life of my own. Until I stopped focusing on what I hadn't achieved, and started focusing on what I needed to feel useful. For me, that was a job working with the public.

Working with the public, for me, was making me focus on helping others, rather than focusing fully on myself. Focusing on yourself is the shortcut to misery. Helping others will give literally everyone a purpose. I have a wonderful friend who, through no fault of her own, cannot have a child. The one thing she really wants, and she can't have it. Instead of folding in on herself, focusing on her misery, she makes baby blankets for others. To be perfectly honest, it's her example that was a huge stepping stone for what I needed to do. I needed to stop focusing on my own misery and do something to help others.

I started a job at a local company's call center. It's a great company to work for (in most respects), I have wonderful co-workers, and I work from home. I'm in a department where I feel like the customer does all the hard work, but the occasional detective work makes me feel like I'm useful to others. Not to mention, I'm in the quietest department, so the stress level is quite low.

I'm not by any means saying you shouldn't focus on yourself, or do something for you. There needs to be that balance between helping you and helping others. For instance, I'm taking a medical billing and coding course that will help me expand my career options! For me, it's a win-win. I can finally finish an educational program, and I'll be helping others.

Sorry for the weird, scattered post. Sometimes, the thoughts just keep going. One thought leads to another, which leads to another, which leads to another... If you know, you know.

I also have a new Twitter handle. Things happened and I lost the original one. Check me out there @BlogAboutMH86

Keep it real, my friends! Find the joy in your journey, don't compare yourself to others, and find your place.