Hallow-no

 It's just not Halloween.

Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday, but this year is just... meh. I'm using my pumpkin lotion, I put out some decorations on my front porch, I've watched some of my traditional movies, but I just can't get into it. The reason? Depression.

I've been in a funk for about a month now, and I just can't seem to shake it. I took a leave of absence from work for a few weeks, which is when this all started. Going back to work was a whirlwind of anxiety and about as much energy as a snail. I even let a Linda have it when she was screaming at me, which is terribly frowned upon.

I made it the first week back at the thirty hours my therapist allowed, but last week showed me that I can't even do this job on a part-time basis anymore. I worked like seven hours last week.

I met with my boss on Friday, and let her know I was going to be leaving at the end of this coming week. I'm only holding out for another week so I can keep my insurance until the end of November. Otherwise, I'd have quit right then and there.

I had an interview Friday, though. It's a part-time, three-day-a-week job that I believe I could be happy in, and a great way to pick myself back up into full-time work. That job even offers full-time, so I could grow within that company. It's a great opportunity!

I got distracted. Back to the topic...

My love for Halloween, and the whole season in general, has been smothered by this dark cloud hanging over my head. No. Not over my head. Surrounding my every being. It's so thick that I'm finding zero joy in the things I love. 

I haven't picked up my cello in weeks. My clarinet is being used as a foot rest. My piano is dusty. My diamond art is not even half done. My movies are uninteresting. My music is boring.

I've always heard that Bipolar depression is worse than "regular" depression, but seeing my friends go through theirs, I'm not convinced. I think those who suffer with depression get hit hard in their own way. But I gotta say, this depression has been worse than I've gone through in years, and I don't know how to deal with it. I can't see even a glimmer of light through this never-ending tunnel of pitch black darkness. 

I don't want to simply die. I want to stop existing.

Epic Failure

Ten thousand steps backward...

I've worked full-time for over two years now. For most of that time, I loved it, despite having to deal with the terrible people who call in. Not anymore. I'm all but done.

As some may remember, I took a leave of absence in April and May. I took another one for a few weeks this month. When I went back, it just about killed me.

I'm sitting at my desk, ready to cry, trying to not pull my hair out because of the anxiety, thinking about throwing away everything I have built in the last two years. Including my snazzy 2024 Outback. I simply can't do this anymore.

I've already contacted Social Security to find out how to get my disability benefits back, but that can take two months, and I've got nothing put away to cover my car for a week, let alone two months. My only solid option right now is to see if my boss will let me work 12 hours a week so I don't go over the maximum allowed income for disability. I do have two interviews Friday for jobs I believe I could be happier in, so there's that. 

My brain has decided that it wants to invade again, and take over. It's hard enough to deal with nasty people on the best of days, but lately, I'm giving their attitude right back to them, which can get me fired faster than you can say "quidditch". I need the income until my benefits kick in, because I refuse to lose my car. No car means no way to get to another job, ya know?

I feel like a massive failure.

Processing Error

I don't know what I'm doing...

It's been four days since I got the apology of a lifetime, and I have no idea how to process it. I have been so full of anger and hatred for this woman for nearly thirty years, and now I can't justify feeling those things anymore. She was genuinely apologetic, so my brain knows I have to let it go, but now there's a void where those feelings lived.

Anger and hate have lived in me longer than anyone should have to go through, and now that they're gone, I realize that maybe, just maybe, I held onto them because they were familiar feelings. They were my comfort, for lack of a better word. 

I'm sitting here in the dead silence of the night, wondering who I even am without the anger; without the hate. I don't know my own brain anymore. What am I feeling? Is this what "normal" people feel? This nothingness? 

No. Not nothingness. It's emptiness. There's nothing there. I feel this black hole dragging my chest inward like a sucking void. 

I feel so lost.

It's beyond sad, in my opinion, that a person could feel so lost without anger and hate. What kind of person am I if the two worst things to hold on to have defined me for so long?

Who am I? 

I don't know.

Redemption

I'm quite literally in shock.

I sent this text to some of my friends, and it's the best way I can get this out, so I'm sorry if you've already read most of this...

My mom and I went to Sam's Club for lunch (because tasty). As we're walking back to my car, I hear someone call my name. I turned around, and she says, "Can I talk to you for a minute?" I'm super confused and have no idea who she is, until she pointed at herself and said, "Brooke." Instant rage, and I wanted to turn around, but I decided to listen to what she had to say. She starts crying and saying how sorry she is for how horrible she was to me. "You have every right to tell me to f*** off." But still, I listened. She just kept saying how terrible she was, and how there's no excuse, and how there's no way to rectify what she'd done, but she's sorry. Legit crying, so I assume she's genuinely apologetic. I gave her a hug because I never even thought this day would come, and I had no words. Well, I did tell her about how the Japanese people will repair broken things with gold so that something broken can be beautiful. It was cheesy, but it just came out. She said how gracious I was and how good a person I was for listening to her instead of walking away. 

My brain is silent. I have no idea how to process this.

What's more is that she apologized to my mom for what she went through watching me go through the torture and torment. She hopes her kids don't wind up like she did, and I told her with the knowledge she has now, she'll be able to help her kids understand how to treat others. 

I'm not crying. I'm not laughing. I'm... in shock. I don't know what to do or how to feel. This girl tormented and tortured me from age eight, all the way through our senior year of high school. Through memories and nightmares, she has tortured me for the eighteen years since high school. That's roughly twenty-eight years she's tortured me. I have no idea what to do with this. 

I do, however, think I feel calm. I think I've forgiven her. I think this will change my life, as well as hers. We even took a selfie as picture proof that this happened. I won't post it in here to protect her privacy, though.

Rest of my life: Day One