I Was Right

Why do I attract narcissists?

I've had a small problem with one of my coworkers since the day we were both hired on. He's just hit me the wrong way for going on 15 months, now. He can he absolutely hilarious, he can be helpful, and he can be a royal pain in the tush. I've suspected, at the very least, narcissistic tendencies throughout the last year. Today, I was proven right.

So, dude has a major issue that bugs not only me, but some other nameless coworkers, as well. I'm not going to go into detail, mostly because this post would turn into a rant. Anyhow... This issue finally got me to my breaking point, and I made no secret of it. I didn't outright say anything, and to be honest, I'm surprised he picked up on it. So, dude sends me a private message asking if he's offended me in some way, because my responses to him have been short, lately. I told him what's up, as nicely as I could, but making my point clear. I offered a compromise, which was promptly taken as an insult. This brought out his victim card. I had none of it, saying, "That's dramatic. Just meet me in the middle and we will both be perfectly fine." Now I have to wait for the tantrum that will inevitably follow when he reads that. 

Allow me to point out the narcissistic patterns and behaviors that showed up in our short conversation.

1- He didn't take responsibility for his actions. Instead of saying "I'm sorry for doing that" he said "I'm sorry I come off that way". This is him deflecting responsibility to me, because apparently I'm the one feeling this; not him doing it.

2- When a compromise was offered, he shut down, pulled out his victim card, and was seeking validation in his feelings of victimhood. He was looking for "I'm sorry. You're right, it's me. I'll do better." Or something to that effect. 

Narcissists are typically all-or-none thinkers; they're either the victim or the victor. They need to be one or the other. This gets them what they crave most: validation. Validation in their superiority, validation in their victimhood, validation in who they are, no matter what. Feeding a narcissist that validation they crave will do exactly two things: It will empower them, letting them know their behavior is just fine, and it will drag you just a little further under its thumb. The more power you give a narcissist, the less power you have.

I've seen the ramifications of "It's not that bad" and "I don't mind" thinking. 40 years down the road, you will be nothing, and the narcissist will believe it can do exactly nothing wrong. It will throw tantrums, it will guilt trip you into literally anything, and it will rule with a fist of stone. 

If you meet a narcissist, never, ever feed it. Stand your ground. You are not the problem. If it refuses to be rational (which, let's face it, a narcissist ever is), simply walk away. Don't engage it further than you absolutely to.

I KNOW!

You know, but you don't do. Then you get mad at me. 

To quote you, "Should I get mad at you when...?" The answer, in this case, is yes. You should get mad at me if you're trying to talk to me, and I start scrolling through my phone, watching a video, or look away when you're showing me something. Why? Because it's incredibly rude, for one. For two, it makes the other person feel like they're not important; like they're an annoyance you're trying to get rid of.

You do this to me on a daily basis. Can you remember the last time I chose my phone over you? I'm gonna bet on no. You know why you can't? Because it's been years! I made the decision to make you more important than my phone. If you start talking to me while I'm online, I shut off my screen to pay attention to what you're saying. You are important to me, and I show it. Obviously, it isn't two-way. 

I get it. You're retired and want to relax. However, you're all ears when your older child (who ignores you 99.9999999% of the time, and you know I'm not exaggerating) is available. That makes it sting worse. No, it doesn't sting... it hurts. Like a bullet to the gut, it hurts. 

I know you'll see this and think it's not true, but it is. It's not what I feel, it's what I see. Every... single... day. I come to talk to you during my breaks during work, and Facebook is more important to you. My breaks are ten whole minutes, and you can't tear yourself away from your screen that long? Trust me, that video, article, or whatever will be there in ten tiny minutes. 

When I point out that you do this, you get upset and say, "I KNOW!!!" But do you? Do you know? Do you know how much it hurts to have your mother consider the mindless stupidity that is Facebook to be more important than you? Do you know how it feels to be yelled at for asking that something get attention for 30 seconds? Do you know how many times I cry myself to sleep because you simply don't care? 

No. You don't. 

I won't be here forever. I hope you understand that. I-- the only one who helps you, defends you, is here for you-- won't be around forever. Keep that in mind.