Damaged

 It will never be ok.

If you've been following for any amount of time, you know that, in my family of 4, I have a covert narcissist father and a grandiose narcissist sister who have made it clear that everything I am is not ok. I am not normal, I am not lovable, I am unwanted, and I am a burden. Tonight, I speak of the past with their enabler.

My mom is now my closest ally. I can talk to her about most things, like how desperately I need all this to stop. However, this hasn't always been the case. Sorry mom, but I'm gonna lay it all out. You won't listen any other way.

There's a family we know where the abusive husband got his kids on his side to abuse his wife. They mock her, make it known that she's trash... All the fun stuff. My family wasn't much different.

Growing up, I was assumed to have a temper. It was the 90s and nobody thought to check a child for mental illness. Especially since that particular illness wasn't yet known to be able to be present before adulthood. My family just thought I was a terror. That still will never- not EVER- excuse what they did to me. 

When I was upset, I had a tendency to scream, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" Wanna know why? Because I wanted to- what, ladies and gents?- BE ALONE! But with a narcissist for the "head of the family", I didn't get to have my feelings respected, let alone validated. No... the abusive father in MY family got my mother to join in, followed by my useless sister. 

When I wanted to be alone, and I actually voiced it, I was met with laughter, mocking, and a song with the lyrics repeating "leave me alone". Classy. Mocking an upset child.

When I bring this up, my mom always justifies it with, "We did the best we could" or "This is what we were told to do" type responses. Please tell me more about how mocking and laughing at your upset CHILD was the best you could do. And would you kindly give me the name of the person who told you to make a song out of it?

No. It's definitely not the best you could do. The best you could do was comfort or respect that child's needs. Or hell, leave the useless excuse of a human who told you he no longer found you attractive because you gained weight after delivering his kids?! The same useless excuse of a human who was abusing your child!!! 

But no... you joined in. And you continue to justify it and brush it off when I tell you how badly it broke me. You say it was in the past like that makes it all go away. Mom, I love you, but it's definitely not gone. I am broken. You helped. I may never be able to forgive that. I think only God can forgive parents who damage their child that badly. A child who, when she spoke up, was punished. When she needed space, she wasn't allowed. When she needed understanding, didn't get it.

The adult I am now was created by the relentless abuse I sustained at home and at school. In my almost 39 years, I have never known respect or peace because of those who were supposed to love me unconditionally, but instead chose to abuse me.

But ya know what? I'm still here. I'm broken, I hurt 24/7/365, and I pray to God for an end to this... but I'm still here. That says more about me than it does about the hundreds of people who have worked together to try to destroy me.

I win.