2021

Happy New Year!!!

Last year, I posted about not having the traditional new year resolutions, because, when I fail at those, I feel like a total failure. I didn’t make resolutions last year, and I won’t this year. This year, I will make a goal.

As some may know, I’ve had a ridiculously hard time with employment since 2011. I’d get a good job, but something would happen, and I’d freak out. This lead to so many quit jobs that, I frankly can’t even remember how many, let alone the where’s and when’s. Things changed in 2020.

In October, I got a job that I absolutely loved, but couldn’t keep. It was constantly walking, running, and kneeling. Thanks to the lovely movement disorder that mainly affects my left foot, the pain was too much. After just a month, I injured my knee to a point of having to take leave. During that leave, I found a good job which wouldn’t require anywhere near the amount of walking. Here’s where the changes are really noticeable...

Fun fact: I do not now, nor have I ever, dealt well with angry people. Dealing with people, in general, is quite difficult, but when someone starts getting angry, I shut down. You can thank the sad excuse of a father I was cursed with... Anyhow, I’ve had to deal with some serious nightmares, but I’m still there. Four weeks, and only freaked out once! Even at that, the freak-out wasn’t career-ending! Pretty proud of myself.

So, my goal, this year, is to make it until the end of March. If I can keep working until the end of March, then I’ll push it out to the end of July... the end of November... so on, and so forth. 

I saw my therapist yesterday, who, as usual, asked how I thought I was doing. For the very first time in my life, I could say that I’m doing well! Even before the disaster of 2011, I couldn’t say I was doing well— at all— because my moods were far from controlled, and the way I treated people... I’m ashamed of myself. 

Now that things have pulled a total 180, I actually have hope that I’ll be able to get, and maintain, full-time employment! This has never happened! I’m not going to jump into the deep end, just yet. I’m going to keep my part-time status for at least a year, and hopefully grow within my company, to get that full-time trophy. Yes, in my world, full-time employment would be a trophy. In my life, employment— at all, and in any form— has been a competition between my illness and my stubborn desire to be better than it is.

 Anyhow, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: If you are going to make resolutions, this year, make them attainable. Most people, especially those dealing with self-depreciating illnesses, can’t handle failure. It adds to the stress we are already trying to hold up enough to not get crushed. So, instead of saying something like, “I’m going to lose a hundred pounds” or “I’m going to keep my house spotless”, try losing just ten pounds, or making a goal to clean one room each week. But, if you happen to be one of the few who is super motivated, take it on! Do you, your way.

Here’s to a better year!