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Monday, January 12, 2015

Disconnecting the dots

"You seem... disconnected."

It's no secret that I'm not as connected to people as most others are, but there is one thing I can connect with even on the worst of days: photography.

Now, I'm not a professional, and I sure don't have a fancy camera, but it's something I actually believe I'm good at. I absolutely love cemeteries, especially the older ones. I haven't had the chance to go there since Halloween, but let's face it, autumn leaves make a cemetery better.

Some people ask me why I'm so disconnected and socially awkward, and I never actually say, but anyone who was severely bullied in school can commiserate. I tend to be very suspicious when someone tries to befriend me because I'm used to people using me, either for their own gain, or their twisted endeavors. My whole life, people have been more than willing to let me do all the work or take the fall.

Fun story: I was in a kind of sorority a few years back. We used classrooms to meet in, so we had to rearrange the room to fit our needs, then put everything back when we were finished. Well, one time, I got there and nobody was in the room, but 2 of our girls were out in the hallway doing homework. I went in and started setting things up. I moved all the tables and all the chairs. In the middle of all this, one of the other girls came in, saw what I was doing, and left. After I had everything set up, someone came in and told me we weren't using that room that day... and left. Of the 4 people who knew exactly what I was doing, not one offered to help. I didn't hang around for the meeting/activity.

I've been rejected for so long that, somewhere along the line, I started folding in on myself and not letting anyone even try to get in. I've got friends I've known for years that I'm starting to shut out, and I have no idea how to stop that. I'm always saying how I'm so alone, but it's really my own fault. I push people away before they can hurt me.

"My Own Worst Enemy"~ Lit

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