Damaged

 It will never be ok.

If you've been following for any amount of time, you know that, in my family of 4, I have a covert narcissist father and a grandiose narcissist sister who have made it clear that everything I am is not ok. I am not normal, I am not lovable, I am unwanted, and I am a burden. Tonight, I speak of the past with their enabler.

My mom is now my closest ally. I can talk to her about most things, like how desperately I need all this to stop. However, this hasn't always been the case. Sorry mom, but I'm gonna lay it all out. You won't listen any other way.

There's a family we know where the abusive husband got his kids on his side to abuse his wife. They mock her, make it known that she's trash... All the fun stuff. My family wasn't much different.

Growing up, I was assumed to have a temper. It was the 90s and nobody thought to check a child for mental illness. Especially since that particular illness wasn't yet known to be able to be present before adulthood. My family just thought I was a terror. That still will never- not EVER- excuse what they did to me. 

When I was upset, I had a tendency to scream, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" Wanna know why? Because I wanted to- what, ladies and gents?- BE ALONE! But with a narcissist for the "head of the family", I didn't get to have my feelings respected, let alone validated. No... the abusive father in MY family got my mother to join in, followed by my useless sister. 

When I wanted to be alone, and I actually voiced it, I was met with laughter, mocking, and a song with the lyrics repeating "leave me alone". Classy. Mocking an upset child.

When I bring this up, my mom always justifies it with, "We did the best we could" or "This is what we were told to do" type responses. Please tell me more about how mocking and laughing at your upset CHILD was the best you could do. And would you kindly give me the name of the person who told you to make a song out of it?

No. It's definitely not the best you could do. The best you could do was comfort or respect that child's needs. Or hell, leave the useless excuse of a human who told you he no longer found you attractive because you gained weight after delivering his kids?! The same useless excuse of a human who was abusing your child!!! 

But no... you joined in. And you continue to justify it and brush it off when I tell you how badly it broke me. You say it was in the past like that makes it all go away. Mom, I love you, but it's definitely not gone. I am broken. You helped. I may never be able to forgive that. I think only God can forgive parents who damage their child that badly. A child who, when she spoke up, was punished. When she needed space, she wasn't allowed. When she needed understanding, didn't get it.

The adult I am now was created by the relentless abuse I sustained at home and at school. In my almost 39 years, I have never known respect or peace because of those who were supposed to love me unconditionally, but instead chose to abuse me.

But ya know what? I'm still here. I'm broken, I hurt 24/7/365, and I pray to God for an end to this... but I'm still here. That says more about me than it does about the hundreds of people who have worked together to try to destroy me.

I win.

The Sign

Convenient.

I'm sitting here, crying silently... knowing that not very many people would care... praying that God lets me die tonight... thinking about my brand new bottle of a medication that would permanently drown out the pain... Then my Facebook scrolling shows me a video with the caption, "Here's your sign."

I see all these things on the news of people dying in wrecks or freak accidents, and my only thought is "Why am I never that lucky? When is my turn?"

The thing is, I'm crap. Not my life... me. I can't win. I lower myself to make others feel better about themselves, and everything is fine. I finally put my foot down and refuse to hide my intelligence, suddenly I'm a cocky know-it-all. I bow down to my abusive family members, giving more than I have in an effort to keep the peace, and all is well. I put up boundaries, and I'm a horrible person who is just looking for the negative. 

I'm tired of this. I have given all I have. I have no more.

Save me.

Hello World!

This needs to be said. 

For most of my life, I have bowed and stooped as low as I possibly could to appease literally everyone. Even my lovely friends, though they may not have noticed. I have given more than I had, lowered other people's expectations of my intelligence, and kept quiet about my needs so others can be comfortable.

Why have I done this? Because I learned at a very young age that I need to give in to maintain the peace. If I didn't, I was punished or reprimanded. When I needed something that didn't fit with the narcissistic needs, those 2... beings... won. Every time. 

Through the years, I continued this kind of behavior outside my home. Teamwork at school became master/servant. I would always give in and let others make the decisions because I needed everyone to like me. I can't even remember how many partner projects I failed because after fighting for what I knew as the right answer, my partner wouldn't give in, so I did. (Hidden) years out of high school, I still try to make myself look less intelligent so as to not offend people and make them feel stupid. And physical comfort is always given to others, while I often writhe in pain, just to keep the peace and make you like me.

The most obnoxious part of this behavior is my need to overcompensate when someone gets mad at me. A small argument about, I dunno, where to go for lunch? I immediately drop my IQ so others feel better about themselves. **("Wait, is it 'all in all' or 'all and all'?" Fun fact: I know the answer to this absurdly stupid and easy question. I just wanted you to know I'm an idiot so you like me again.)**

I wish I was exaggerating. This is my life. I'm 3(hidden) years old, and I'm done. It's time to show the world who I am. I'm putting my foot down on a lot of things. So, just a heads up...

*If I'm in pain because of your need to be 100% comfortable? I'm going to politely insist on a compromise. Either we're both/all in 10% pain, or you're taking the whole of it. Foot= down.

*When I know something, I'm not backing down. If I'm wrong, educate me. But when I'm right, accept it. I never have, and never will intend to talk down to people, but I'm never again going to tell you you're right when you're not. Foot= down.

*I have opinions, and I'm getting my way once in a while. If you insist on sushi, you're going without me. You can join me in a restaurant that doesn't make me vomit from the stench of fish, or it's TTFN. Foot= down.

*The most important thing on this list: I don't care if someone doesn't like me. I'm not on earth to appease everyone. It's not my job. I'm not begging for friendship any longer. I have my friends, and oh, have I been blessed with them! I have an absolutely amazing crew, whether we talk often or once a year, that I wouldn't trade for anything! Many have left my life, and I'm ok with that. I'm quite happy with where I'm at in the friend department.

So, be warned. I'm here. I'm not going to hide who I am, what I need, or my intelligence anymore. 

Here's to my personal revolution! 🍻