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I'm on a mission to save the world! Or maybe just to find the perfect mac and cheese.
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Monday, August 17, 2015

I Need More Than Stuff

Alrighty, then.

Last night, I was attacked and made to believe that I'm a horrible person. Who did this? My family.

Several times now, I have made clear my feelings on my "sister" and the husband she "left" staying in our house. They are invading my safe zone and sending my anxiety off the charts. I've never liked them coming over. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter are pure hell for me.

Story:

After telling my father several times that I will no longer give in to my brother-in-law staying here, he, once again, invited him to stay. Instead of simply listening to me when I said, "they are most literally killing me," he passed off my feelings in favour of the married people who are more than capable of getting their own place. When I stood my ground, he had to go get my mother out of bed because, apparently, he still has no idea how to talk to me. I gave up on trying to talk to him a while ago. He never listens anyway.

Once my mother got involved, my father could not grasp the concept that I have no idea why I feel this way and kept repeating the same things. "What if you had a friend who needed to stay the night? Would it be the same?" "They lived here when they first got married. What's changed?" I will say this again... I DON'T KNOW!

My mother seemed sympathetic while trying to weasel me into concession. I had to get on the repeat train to get my point through both of their heads. "I need to feel comfortable in my own home. I don't know why I feel like this, and I don't want to. I want it, and them, to go away. They are invading my safe zone and I'm feeling attacked."

After they "understood" how I felt, they went to "discuss the situation." When I went to bed, I couldn't sleep because the light was shining under my door. Annoyed, I was less than kind telling them to turn it off. I was done asking for things, at this point. My brother-in-law's response? "It's on because we're trying to accommodate you." Excuse me?! This is MY home. You shouldn't have to accommodate me because YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!

My mother then came into my room and began telling me how "she has to feel comfortable here, too. This is her home, too." Gee... wonder who she'd been talking to. Both my sister and brother-in-law are terribly manipulative. They will both make themselves out to be the victim or the hero with just a few words. Either way, they will tear you down to do it. I find it amusing when they pull it out on each other.

Naturally, I got angry. Once again, the boundaries I try to set are twisted and made to make me feel like a selfish brat. I have tolerated her here for three and a half weeks. There have been confrontations and blow-ups, but I've never straight out told her to leave. When he started staying here, things escalated because my anxiety hit "attack mode." I was being attacked, so I fought back.

The one person I thought would never attack me was my mother, and she was the one doing it last night. There was screaming, swearing, and I left. Side note: Walking on an old, uneven asphalt driveway without shoes is a bad idea. I have lost my support system. Sure, I have friends who say I can come to them, but I can't bring myself to be a burden on anyone else. My mother chose to have me and therefore deal with all a child comes with. My friends have also never seen the full force of my messed up brain, and I don't know if they could handle it.

I say I've lost my support system because, if my sister can manipulate my mother into thinking that I'm the problem here, how can I believe that she truly understands that I have a problem, and no, I can't make my brain concede?

"Part of Your World"~ From The Little Mermaid

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