I'm sitting here, tears welling up in my eyes, while thinking about how much I hate my life. I'm up, I'm down, I'm pleasant, I'm cranky. The list goes on and on. Not to mention all the things I haven't achieved. A college education, a lasting relationship, and a steady job, to name a few. So why am I all self-deprecating at the moment? Because, looking back on my week, I noticed one major thing I've been missing: I'm manic.
Now, usually people think that these kinds of thoughts only come with depression. And who knows? I may be the only one in the world who gets these thoughts while manic. Though highly doubtful, it does tend to make me feel slightly self-conscious. Even I associate suicidal thoughts with depression, so to have them when I'm manic just seems weird to me.
The big thing that set me off tonight: I've been to the doctor three times and have done weeks and weeks of physical therapy and my knee just seems to get worse and worse. I'm entirely frustrated with both my mind and body for, A~ my knee being defective, and B~ letting my defective knee get to me psychologically. I've dealt with knee problems since I was eleven years old. I should be used to it by now.
I don't know.
I'm also frustrated because, for the first time ever, I'm on medications that I don't physically react to, but that don't seem to be working, either. I still get manic (obviously!) and wicked depressed. Why am I even taking these things? I guess it's time to stop lying to my med manager and tell her that these particular meds aren't working. What's really annoying is that I truly believed we'd found something that worked. I mean, I got really excited when I felt nothing for a couple of weeks! Now I think I was just manic all along and wanted so badly to feel "normal" that I convinced myself that that's what was happening.
I'm going to co cry out my frustrations now.
"Cry, Cry, Cry"~ Johnny Cash