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Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Into The Darkness

Time is a friend to no man.

This whole time change thing really blows. Winter blows. Apparently I like the word "blows" now. Why do these things blow? Because with the time change, it's suddenly dark at 5:30. Winter blows because it's dark at 5:30. I'm sensing a correlation... You'd be right, side-thought! These two things definitely correlate.

I'm going to stop that now before this gets awkward...

With the longer nights and days growing shorter, my depression is all wonky. Like, I'll be fine-ish during the day, but as soon as the sun goes down, I'm sunk into a pit as low as Dante's Hell. I feel it physically, too. Like this pressure sitting on my chest that makes it hard to breathe, and on my shoulders that makes it hard to be upright.

The absolute worst part about all this darkness is my irrational fear of being alone. As I've mentioned before, I still live at home with my parents. I'll often hang around until the last second before they go to bed. But when they do, everything explodes and I'm suddenly depressed and anxious beyond words. Lately, I've been drugging myself with Nyquil just so I go to sleep earlier. The earlier I go to sleep, the less time I spend alone in the dark.

Darkness has represented aloneness to me since I was about ten years old (I think...) when my sister moved out of my room and back into her own. I've always hated the dark because of, again, my irrational fear of being alone. I HATE being alone. I'm slightly codependent that way.

The other night as I was lying in my bed in the dreaded dark, I was overcome by the thought of my grandma who passed away a year and three months ago. It was like I had just heard the news of her death all over again. The pure pain of it. I couldn't stop crying.

In closing...


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