Knowledge Is Power

Me.

I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with. My Facebook rants have stirred up things that ought not have been. When I'm crabby I say exactly what I mean and feelings have been hurt. When I'm manic, my almost maxed-out credit card (which my lovely parents are paying in my unemployment) gets a workout. But there's one thing I actually like about myself, and that is that I know myself. Inside and out, head to toe.

I was watching The Crown on Netflix tonight, and in it, there was a painter who was doing a portrait of Winston Churchill. I don't remember it word for word, but the painter was telling Churchill that nobody ever truly knows themselves- that you had to take a step back and look in from the outside. I've done this for years. I am an observer by nature- people are my favourite subject- and I have mastered observing myself. I notice my behaviours, my words, my tones... Before I was properly medicated, I became a master at knowing exactly when my mood would shift simply by noticing the way I spoke. With no instruction, I managed to figure out how to take a step back and observe myself. Because of this, I know everything about myself.

I can't tell you how to do it exactly, but when I do it, I picture myself separating. Like my body stays where it is, but my soul steps back. I've heard of others picturing themselves in front of a mirror. Whatever way works for you, do it. You may never be your own best friend, but knowing yourself can help you in ways you never imagined.

In other news...

I got my bangs cut today. I can see again! I'm getting the rest of my hair chopped in about a week and a half. I'm excited! OH! and we're finally celebrating my birthday at a comedy playhouse tomorrow! I still can't believe how old I am... I kind of feel like a giant failure. I'm thirty years old, I live with my parents who pay all my bills because I have no job, I'm working my butt off in school but seem to be failing anyway, and I'm still overweight. I eat like nothing, I'm fairly active, and I can't lose this infernal weight! Any tips would be appreciated.

I'll stop there... Self-deprecating comments aren't going to help me out of this depression.