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I'm on a mission to save the world! Or maybe just to find the perfect mac and cheese.
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Monday, December 12, 2016

Texts, Class, & Church

Day from Hell.

Today started off with me getting awakened by a group text. First off, I hate group texts. Loathe them with every fiber of my being. But this one was particularly obnoxious. It was my team wanting to meet an hour and a half before class started. Fan-freaking-tastic. So I get up, get ready, and I get there only to find one member of my team waiting. We were then joined by the other two guys in the group. I was stuck in a room of boys who would rather talk about the new gaming system than the presentation we had to give today.

Then there was class... We did our presentation. I not only made the powerpoint, but I was the clicker, changing the slides during the presentation. I participated. I cleared this participation with my pain in the butt teacher, who, after class decided that all the work I had put in wasn't enough and he wanted a video of me doing the entire presentation that my group had just done. So basically I did twice as much work as the rest of my team because Herr Hitler decided I didn't do enough.

And to top off my day, I had a church activity tonight. I've told y'all before about how I hate Utah Mormons and church activities... Tonight was no different. Well... I brought my friend from another church with me, so that was different. But the behavior of the rest of the people remained the same. My friend and I sat at a table with three guys to cut and tie fleece blankets (we're doing them for the children's hospital in town), and it was basically them and us. The three guys were talking among themselves and left us out almost entirely. My friend, being the person that she is (bless her!), interjected a few times into the guys' conversation, and one of the guys looked genuinely annoyed that she had said anything. The other two talked to me for maybe two minutes. All in all, there were about twenty people there, and I can really only say that my friend talked to me. No, I'm not the most outgoing person, but I'm DAMN funny when you actually take the time to get to know me! But that's the problem, isn't it? Nobody takes the time to talk to the quiet girl-- to get to know her.

I've said it before and I'll say it again... I am never more suicidal than when I'm at church or a church activity. Whichever religion you choose is supposed to make you feel whole, right? Make you feel like you're a part of something bigger. The only thing I feel is ignored, dejected, and suicidal. One of these days, I'm not going to stop for the idiot left turner and I'll just hit them dead on. Maybe that will do it. I can think of over a hundred ways to do it all without the chance of survival. All I need is the right push, and church gets me to that point every... freaking... week. If just one person would talk to me like I'm a human being, maybe I'd feel like I mattered once in a while.


  1. Well I think you're funny and kind and fun to hang around! Sometimes good friends you've known for awhile are the best for this reason. I definitely don't think church should make you feel like that. Normally I would say give it time, people will warm up to you, but there wasn't alot of mingeling that I saw and I know you've been going there plenty long enough. Maybe a change is in order. I'm here for you, for more awkward interjections into other conversations, for company, whenever. Love you

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  4. LOL, I am a perfectionist so I just wanted to tweak a couple words, I didn't know it was going to tell you how many times I edited the post! *embarrassed face*

    Ugh. I'm so sorry. I saw you at church last Sunday on the couch but you looked like you were on the phone so I didn't stop to talk to you! Next Sunday text me where you are sitting (I am one of those chronically late people so you'll probably beat me there) and I will sit next to you! And introduce people to you. I'm a quiet person too, I've worked on talking to strangers because it's something that I've felt strongly I wanted to be able to do, but when I am in a new place or uncomfortable or outnumbered I still get extremely quiet. It's hard to make new friends as a quiet person, but it's not because you aren't awesome!

  5. Love the comments above btw. I've never been to a singles ward. After i joined the Army I usually attended nondenominational, Protestant or Pentecostal church's. I tried going back to the Mormon church but I always felt awkward and out of place. I honestly haven't been to church since I moved here to New York... something about procrastinating and feeling anxious going to a new place that has a very large congregation. Sometimes I feel best just studying on my own. Maybe I'll gain the courage to attend sometime. I'm glad you had a friend the other day to help you. Is there any way you can go to another ward?