Dear Father

I finally get it.

I'm the younger of two girls in my family. No brothers. Just my "sister" and me. 

When I was little, I was what they call a daddy's girl, but as I grew older, my dad walked out of my life. He was still in the house, but he wasn't really part of my life. By the time I hit high school, I'd see him for maybe an hour a day because he was either working or in the depths of the pig sty he created in the basement. 

Now that he's retired and I'm at not working, I've come to realise something... I've realised that the man has absolutely no respect for me. He falls all over himself when my sister comes over; talking about her job for hours on end. My father values work, which is something I cannot do, therefore he doesn't value me.

I've told y'all before that he's a narcissist, which is hard enough to deal with on his good days, but this realisation actually kinda hurts. 

I hate my life.

Defective

Another one?!

I've got six weddings in three months and every one of them is significantly younger than I am. I just went to the wedding of a girl I used to babysit! And I'm still single.

It used to be that I'd get hit on by every guy in the room, but since I got fat, nobody takes a second look. I don't really blame them. I mean, I'm not particularly attracted to fat guys, so why should the guys I'm interested in be attracted to a fat girl? Not to mention my style now. I wear whatever fits. I used to be very well dressed! 

I've been going to the gym lately. I can't do much yet, but I still had to tighten my belt today. That should help, right?

I joke all the time about how I'm going to die alone, but the truth of the matter is that I'm terrified of just that. I'm terrified that, when my parents are gone, I'm going to be completely and totally alone.

I get that I have issues. Those aren't going to go away. But isn't there ANYONE out there who can deal with me?!

So now I'm sitting here crying because I'm so effing jealous of all these people I should be happy for. 

Pure Hatred

Hate. Loathe. Despise.

I have never, in my life, hated something so much. Brooke comes close, but this is by far worse. This thing is the worst thing that could possibly happen. What am I talking about? Chronic illness.

Whether it be physical or mental, chronic illness is never fun. My parents volunteer at a care centre and sometimes I go with them. These people are confined to wheelchairs, and some of them are literally losing their minds. It's heartbreaking!

While I can sympathise with those people, I can empathise with those struggling with mental illness. It's a never ending struggle. For those of us born with our problems, it's a lifelong journey of pain and suffering. I can't speak for everyone, but I, for one, hate it. 

I can't say enough how much I hate living from day to day knowing that I'm not normal, that I'm defective. I don't know how many others feel this way, but I most definitely do. Getting awarded disability benefits hasn't helped with this, either. Now it's official... I'm disabled. 

I hate this. I hate my illnesses.

Good

"I'm good. How are you?"

We've all said these words. If they're true or not is up to you. If you really care about the person you're talking to or not is also up to you. The thing that is not up to you is their response.

Once in a very rare while, I'll get a text from one of my friends saying something to the effect of, "I haven't heard from you in a while. How are you?" I'll answer back that I'm good and ask the return question. This is when they lay all their life's problems onto me. But hey... I asked, right? Wanna know the funny thing? Not one of my friends knows that when I say, "I'm good," what I really mean is, "I'm dying. Please help me." If I say that I'm great, that's another story. 

My point is that they'll go on and on and I'll be genuinely sympathetic, but they don't bother to make sure that I'm really ok. 

This doesn't speak for all of my friends. I have one who will periodically ask how I'm doing and really want to know. And if I reach out to others in a crisis, they're right there for me. My problem is that some get a "good" from me, lay out all their problems, and don't ask further questions. Friendship is a two-way street. I'm not your therapist. I've got more problems than you'll ever see.