Pass/Fail

Step one: Pass. Step two: Fail.

As we all know, the first step is to admit you have a problem. The second step is to ask for help. I haven't had a problem with that second step. At least, not in a few years. Today, for the third time in a row, I chickened out.

Thanks to the constant, relentless abuse from the narcissist, the king narc, specifically, I have a serious problem when it comes to expressing anger in a psychologically healthy way. Whenever I'd get angry (which happened quite a lot when I was a kid), the narc would do one of two things: Make fun of me, so I couldn't get a word out, or spank me. Yes, really. 

This has stuck with me, to this day. Now, when I get angry, I can rant, I can write, but I literally shake the whole time, and it can take weeks to really get over it. However, the hardest part is when someone is taking their anger out on me. 

People suck. Anyone who has been in any kind of customer service position, knows this. Anyone who has been on social media for 0.3 seconds, also knows this. People take their anger and frustration out on the nearest person, or the person they've deemed as having done or said something "wrong". My own theory is that, since I never learned how properly express my own anger, I can't deal with the emotion, as a whole. As some of my friends have been unfortunate enough to see, I usually get super quiet when I'm seriously angry.  I bottle it up. Sometimes there's an eruption, later. Sometimes it just festers inside my mind. Not healthy.

Anyhow, I have a note in my phone, to talk to my therapist about how to process anger like a functioning, healthy adult. I've had it for the last three appointments. That's about six weeks. Every time I see her, she always asks what's going on, and each of these last three appointments, I've chickened out on bringing up what I really need. I get the sentence in my mind, get it into my throat, and what actually comes out is, "Mm. Not much."

I feel like a freaking coward. Why is this so hard to ask? All it takes is a simple, "I need help handling anger better". That's it. That's the dam breaking, letting every single bit of pent-up anger and resentment... Ugh. I don't get it.

I've got to be as brave as I was when I published the very first post, here. Dig my heels into the ground, take a deep breath, and just get it out. That's the only way I'm ever going to get through this.