Safety Is Underrated

I need help.

Today, four amazing girls came up to me and told me they were being bullied. These two other girls will take things, make fun, tell others to not talk to the four, coerce other kids to start bullying, and give dirty looks. These things hurt more than you could ever imagine. I would know; these are the exact same things that Brooke did to me.

When these four amazing girls came up to me, I could tell right away what they were going to say. The looks on their faces were defeated, and their eyes were tearful. They talked softly and were actually afraid to say something. I asked them if they'd talked to their teacher- they said yes. I asked if they'd talked to their parents- they said yes. I don't know what else to tell them. I learned a long time ago that adults can't stop the bullying because it ultimately all comes down to the child.

I had a really hard time keeping it together while they told me everything. It brought back so many memories. I wish I could just tell them that it'll be okay, that they're awesome, and have it make them feel better, but the fact remains, nothing I say will make these girls feel better about themselves when they've constantly got these two telling them otherwise.

It kills me to know that these four talented, beautiful, amazing girls feel bad about themselves. What kills me more is knowing that the things they hear now will stick with them for the rest of their lives.

"Safe Harbors"~  Michael McLean (I actually made this video. I apologise for any misspellings, and yes, I took the background picture.)

 

An Open Apology

Here goes...

Last night, I was thinking about some old friends and the absolutely horrible things I said to them in years past. Now, I'm not really one to apologise (NCIS: Gibbs rule- Never aplolgise, it's a sign of weakness), but I feel like I need to clear the air.

Dear (insert your name here),

Until two years ago, I was dealing with something that I didn't fully understand, and to be honest, I still don't. I had all these emotions that were overbearing and made me do and say things that were unwarranted. Please understand that I had little to no control over my actions back then and that my actions are not me.

Back then, I was trying to deal with this all on my own, and it obviously wasn't working. I lashed out in anger and uncalled for name calling. I don't know why, and I wish with all my heart I could go back and undo it all. I wish that my brain's emotions were never in control of me so that I'd never say things I regret, but the fact remains, I will be battling my brain every day for the rest of my life.


I don't expect you to just forget about the horrific things I said and we go skipping off into the sunset; I just want you to know that I think about these things every day and I am so, so sorry. You were never meant to be in the crosshairs of my emotional outbursts.

Sincerely,
Charmaine/CJ/whatever else people used to call me

Med Adventures

Dear body, you suck.

So, I'm apparently sick. If you don't think losing your lunch in front of 100 kids is embarrassing, you obviously haven't done it.

Since I'm sick, I'm home. Since I'm home, I'm blogging. Since I'm blogging, I'm gonna tell you about my med adventures.

I was put on Zyprexa 10mg, but that pushed me into a deep depression on its own. The psychiatrist I was seeing told me that "it would even out when I got into a rhythm." Yeah... that didn't happen. When I told me new (and awesome) psychiatrist about that, she said the same thing I had thought; that it wouldn't even out. So, new psych cut my Zyprexa in half and added Prozac. After just two days, I felt so much better! I'm awake during the day while still able to sleep at night. It's incredible! I'm not saying that I feel "normal," but I feel a million times better than I have in weeks.

There comes a time in every mentally ill person's life where they know how medications should and shouldn't feel. You learn to trust yourself more than you trust the doctor. Never doubt your body. If it doesn't feel right, tell your doctor. If your doctor doesn't listen, find one who will.

"Doctor Jones"~ Aqua

Babies

A good friend of mine had her second baby boy and I was lucky enough to visit them in the hospital. As I watched this three day old human, I wondered what his future would be. I know he's in great hands, though. He is truly loved.

 

Every baby is a new start, a new hope (enter Star Wars references here...). At least, that's what people say. I obviously wouldn't know...

 

Bad segue in 3... 2... 1...

 

Whenever people bring up the baby thing, I get some seriously judgmental looks when I say that I don't want any. It's not that I don't want kids, just that I don't want my own. I plan on doing the foster and adoption thing. Mental illnesses are genetic, and I refuse to be the cause of someone else's pain. If I foster/adopt a child with a mental illness, fine.

 

I honestly don't care what you or anyone thinks of my decision, I just know that there are plenty of kids who feel unwanted out there, and I want them.

 

That took a different turn than I was planning, so I'll just leave it here.

 

 

That Friend

I had an amazing day!

One of my best friends came into town and I got to spend the whole day with her! We went to the mall, had lunch, and went to a movie; it was awesome! Wanna know the best part? My anxiety was practically dormant all day.

I've heard some people say that their symptoms are lessened when around certain people, but I've never quite believed it. I mean, how can having that one person there make the crowds and noises okay somehow? It sounds weird, but it's true! I mean, until we got to the ridiculously crowded and loud restaurant where we met up with her mom... Nothing can make that kind of noise okay.

For the first time in, well I don't even remember how long, I can't say one bad thing about my day. My mood was better than it has been, my anxiety was well-controlled, it was just an all-around good day!

My point is...  we all need someone in our lives that we can be 100% ourselves around without fear of judgment. If you don't have one, I beg you to open up to someone. Holding back is exhausting.

"Rescue"~ The Summer Set

Going Through The Motions

Who's up for round two?

I saw my new psychiatrist today, thanks to my new therapist. She got me an appointment a week before I was scheduled. Pretty awesome, if you ask me. So, needless to say, I got some new meds and I think it'll work. Is anyone buying my attempt at optimism?

I've been in the dark for so long that I honestly don't see any light in my tunnel. I can't even pretend to go through the motions anymore. My body is on auto-pilot; get up, eat, go to work, come home, eat... you get the point. My point is that my mind has separated from my body.

Since I have no more words to describe what's going on, here's a song that does...

"Going Through The Motions"~ from Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Fight Of A Lifetime

Watch this first...

"Confident"~ Demi Lovato

 

 

 

This video perfectly sums up my relationship with my brain and Bipolar Disorder. To follow my description... I would be Demi, my brain is the other girl, and Bipolar is the men.

 

At first, I didn't know what was going on. I got the diagnosis, but didn't really know what to expect. I signed on, gave in, and got branded.

 

I got all ready to fight, but when I met up with it, I felt like my brain was conspiring against me. I tried to fight, but every swing I took, I just got beaten down. It was stronger than I was. Eventually I gave up.

 

I have yet to get to the point where we shake hands and fight together, but I'm working on it.

The Jury's In

Snap judgments are my pet peeve.

I went to the dentist today. That blows my nerves on the best of days, but today was worse. I had to update (their term for "redo") my medical history. Normally, when you get to the psychiatric history, it asks about just depression, but this one asked specifically about anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, and psychiatric hospitalizations.

As soon as she mentioned Bipolar, my anxiety spiked and I had no choice but to say, "yes." The worst part: I could both see and hear her put up a wall that puts the Great Wall of China to shame. I'm not saying she thought I was going to blow the place up, just that she backed off and felt uncomfortable.

I wish I could say that this was the first time someone has had the same reaction. It happens every time I have to use the "B-word," whoever hears it flinches. Even when I tell a new therapist or psychiatrist. Makes me feel really good, let me tell you.

I believe that, if the media would stop blaming mental illness for horrific crimes, these reactions would slowly stop. Stigmas suck. I'm not "crazy," I'm sick.

"5-1-5-0"~ Dierks Bentley

I'm Only Human

Blah.

I've had plenty of depressive episodes in my life, but nothing anywhere near where I'm at now. Usually, I can be brought up temporarily by certain events, but not even that works lately. Normally, I can at least fake some kind of smile, but it most literally hurts to do it now.

I used to wonder how anyone could stay in bed all day. I mean, I've always been so active that the concept was beyond me. I get it now. I'll get up, and within an hour, I'm so worn out that I just want to go back to bed. In the last 24 hours, I've been awake for six. I'm both physically and emotionally drained.

I frequently have thoughts that I want to end my life, but nothing as dark or persistent as what has popped into my head in the last week or so. Add the fact that I have absolutely no attention span and it makes for some very long days.

I talked to some of my Twitter friends last night. One says she's done crafts to keep her mind busy, and another goes running. I've picked up boondoggle, but I'm just too tired to go for a bike ride or anything.

The worst part is that everyone notices that I'm depressed. Like I said, I can normally fake a smile and pass off as fine, but everyone is noticing. I hate that part. My parents gave me the nickname "smiley" when I was little because I was always smiling. That's who I've always been. I hate not being able to.

"Human" Christina Perri

Define Depression

Criteria for Major Depressive Episode (from the DSM-5)

• Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). Note: In children and adolescents, can be irritable mood.

• Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others).

 • Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5 percent of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day. Note: In children, consider failure to make expected weight gains.

 • Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day.

• Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down).

 • Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.

 • Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick). • Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others).

 • Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

This is where I'm at. I've been here for almost four weeks now. The medication I'm on keeps me from getting manic by pushing me down. I need something to bring me up, but the doctor I've been seeing is a pan to get a hold of.

I don't want to get out of bed, let alone go to work. I can't even force a smile, and working with kids, you need to be able to smile. I don't want to listen to music, I don't want to watch TV, I don't even really want to write. I have absolutely no desire to do anything. My arms feel like they're a hundred pounds each, but I can't stop moving.

I've tried doing some things to make myself feel better, but if it works, it's only momentary. I bleached my hair and dyed my bangs turquoise, I've listened to Nick Santino's album (and his Rocket To The Moon albums) so much that I'm verging on getting sick of him. I bought some new things... I've done quite a bit, but to no avail. I'm depressed and I can't get out of it on my own.

"Breaktown"~ Hanson

My Own Inferno

I miss being seventeen.

When I was seventeen, I was second chair in, not just my school band, but the district-wide orchestra. I was good, and I knew it. Not necessarily cocky, but confident. Since I started playing clarinet in fifth grade, I sucked. I was last chair all the way through my sophomore year. That summer, I took lessons from my friend who was first chair. When placement came junior year, I was ecstatic! I tried out for the district orchestra (Granite Youth Symphony Orchestra) just for kicks. Only four clarinetists would make it. When I got the letter that I was one of them, I was happy to be last chair, but when I got to the first rehearsal, I was second chair!

My point... I was trying to play just now. Key word trying. I am nowhere near what I was. This is infuriating to me. I've had everything I love taken from me in some way or another. Surgeries took dance, medications took my imagination and, in turn, my ability to write my book the way I see it in my head; and now, lack of use has taken the one thing I believe I was ever truly good at.

I've said before how music is my life. I don't simply listed to it, I play it. Simply put, I am a musician. I'm on the verge of tears because I messed up while trying to play a piece that I once had mastered. Yes, I may be a bit hard on myself, but music was always the one thing that I enjoyed. I guess getting that good was a bad thing. If I had never gotten good, I would have been satisfied not perfecting anything.

Then again... seventeen is right about the time when my symptoms became incredibly noticeable. Maybe I don't want to go back to that...

"The Divine Comedy- Inferno"~ Robert W. Smith

Can Nobody Hear Me?

One last rant about "doctors."

I saw my psychiatrist last week to get a refill of my meds. When I got to the pharmacy, the pharmacist told me that something was wrong with the codes. They had called the doctor, who said she was driving and would be calling back with the correct codes when she got home. I returned the next day and asked if the doctor had called back. The pharmacy tech rolled her eyes and said, "no." I did get my meds, only through the genius of the pharmacy staff. They were able to figure out the correct codes by using another patient's information.

If you've ever wondered why I hate psychiatrists, it's because of things like this. I've never found one who truly cares about my wellbeing. They care about getting their paycheck and kickbacks from the pharmaceutical companies and would sooner change specialties than care about their patients.

Oh! I forgot the best part! When I told the doctor that the meds I'm on have sent me into a depressive spiral and would like something to fix that, she told me that "things will even out when you get into a rhythm [sic]"

So, here I am, in a major depressive state, with no help to get out of it. I don't care about anything, not even work. Psychomotor agitation is quite possibly the worst thing about it. Wait... I lied. The frustration with myself and subsequent suicidal thoughts are the worst thing about depression.

"Hear Me"~ Imagine Dragons

 

All Around The World

I've been incredibly whiny lately, so I'm going to try to get through this without whining.

I got on just now to check my views, and I was in shock. 158 views today, so far! Yes, I know I shouldn't base my self-worth on how many views I get, but it makes me feel like my efforts are in vain when I get less than fifty on each post. My whole life, whenever I try to do something, it fails. My friend and I planned a party the summer after we graduated, and I had two people I invited show up. A couple of posts back, I challenged everyone to share their favorite post or email me, that was the lowest view day and still no emails. Basically, I'm the kind of person who is the good friend, not the kind who has good friends. Not to pass off my incredible friends who are there every day, no matter what.

Anyway, I want to give a huge shout out to my top ten countries! These are the countries with the most views throughout my year and a half of blogging. I do this because I think it's amazing how wide spread my words are getting.

1~USA (naturally)
2~ France
3~ United Kingdom (my heart, my love)
4~ South Korea (thanks girlie!)
5~Portugal
6~ Germany
7~ Russia
8~ Sweden
9~ Canada
10~ Ukraine

I'm going to ask... Here goes... If you'd leave a comment with your country. You can remain anonymous, but I'd like to see who isn't showing up on my list.

"All Around The World"~ ATC

I'm Just...

Just?

I have a habit of minimizing everything by saying "just." "I'm just an aide." "I'm just depressed." "I'm just a little sick." I'm not sure why I do this, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I like to believe I have no problem, or my days as Brooke's doormat.

I met with my new therapist yesterday, and she wanted to hear a bit about my trauma. Naturally, the bullying came up. I told her that, by the time I was in fourth grade (age nine or ten), I had learned to not cry. When I would cry, Brooke and her cronies would laugh. I guess that I started using "just" so much that it became a natural pass-off.

By using "just," I can pass off anything. I can be in the lowest circle of Hell, but "just" can make anyone think I'm fine, even though I would like a shoulder to cry on.

Now I'm wondering how I can be so good at talking my way out of things when every psychologist is trained to look for key words like "just" and "kind of."

Short, but sweet. I was thinking about this all night, so I had to write something about it.

"I'm Alright"~ Jo Dee Messina

Blah, Blah, Blah...

Yep.

I'm in a bit of a manic state, and by "bit" I mean "I'm about to rip my hair out." I'm weaning myself off my meds because the idiot "doctor" won't answer mine or my pharmacy's calls for a refill. I finally found something that works and doesn't give me all the serious side effects, and now I have to stop taking it because I'm "just mentally ill."

I have a theory that every psychiatrist is just in it for the money. I have yet to find a Doctor of Psychiatry who gives two cents about me. I had an APRN once who was fantastic, but she's not covered through the ever useless Medicaid.

Once I've weaned myself off of my remaining meds, I have to wait a few more weeks (at best) to get new ones. Why? Because this new clinic requires that I see whichever therapist they deem best for me a few times before meds can be prescribed. I've heard this from quite a few clinics.

Mental illnesses are not among the "can survive on over-the-counter medications until I can see a doctor" illnesses; they're the "I need steady meds so that both of us live through the night" illnesses. You'd think that someone who went through four years of undergrad, four years of med school, and however many years of residency would understand this concept, but alas, the stupid in some people runs deep.

"Heard It All Before"~ As December Falls

Am I Clear?

Shove it.

I am tired of people using mental illness as a scapegoat. The Oregon shooter was not mentally ill; he was mentally disturbed. These two things are not interchangeable. Saying that every mass shooter is mentally ill does absolutely nothing but incite fear. Yes, I have Bipolar Disorder, no I'm not going to shoot anyone. This concept is grasped only by those who suffer with mental illness and have no homicidal tendencies.

Bad segue in 3... 2... 1...

In recent days, I've had some people tell me to "suck it up and get a real job," "suck it up and call *insert person/company here*," and a few other things. I posted in the Facebook group, "I'm sorry... Exactly how is anxiety "crap" that needs to be "cut"? I didn't ask for this. My symptoms get in MY way a butt load more than they get in yours. I'm sorry that I can't always keep appointments or set "hang out" times, but telling me to "cut the crap and come hang out" is no way to make me better and it most definitely won't make me like you very much." Some of these have been in jest, but some are genuinely ignorant.

Anyone who suffers from any chronic illness, can attest to the pure debilitation that can happen. Physical pain, although invisible, can keep someone from getting out of bed. Mental illness, also invisible, can render someone useless. When I have to make a phone call, I have to mentally prepare myself. This can take two hours... on a good day. When going to work, I have to get up three hours before just to prepare myself. I met with my friend yesterday... I nearly called it off because A- I had to see someone, and B- we met in a very public place. Side note: we met about our upcoming YouTube channel! Fun to come!

In conclusion, you wouldn't tell a diabetic to "suck it up" while in DKA (*Diabetic Ketoacidosis), or a cancer patient when Chemo is needed. Why, then, tell someone with an invisible illness?

Rant over.
"I'm Doing The Best I Can"~ Gary Allan

You Are...

OCTOBER!!!!!

I had to get up early to tell you about my favorite month! Ok, I'm up early because I had a dream that scared me senseless and couldn't get back to sleep...

Anyway, it's a new month, and Blogger separates my views by month if I choose. My all-time record was 1,920 views in July of this year. I have a new goal of 2,000 views for October. Now, I don't usually get responses to challenges, but I'm going to challenge you anyhow. Here are your options...

1. Share your favorite existing post on whatever social media outlet you like.
2. Email me (bipolarexpressride@gmail.com) and let me know what you'd like to see in a post.

I was going to make a nice list of other options, but someone decided that it'd be awesome to come and interrupt me so I lost my thought train.

Anyhow, there's your challenge. Help a girl out?

"Appreciated"~ Rixton