I've had plenty of depressive episodes in my life, but nothing anywhere near where I'm at now. Usually, I can be brought up temporarily by certain events, but not even that works lately. Normally, I can at least fake some kind of smile, but it most literally hurts to do it now.
I used to wonder how anyone could stay in bed all day. I mean, I've always been so active that the concept was beyond me. I get it now. I'll get up, and within an hour, I'm so worn out that I just want to go back to bed. In the last 24 hours, I've been awake for six. I'm both physically and emotionally drained.
I frequently have thoughts that I want to end my life, but nothing as dark or persistent as what has popped into my head in the last week or so. Add the fact that I have absolutely no attention span and it makes for some very long days.
I talked to some of my Twitter friends last night. One says she's done crafts to keep her mind busy, and another goes running. I've picked up boondoggle, but I'm just too tired to go for a bike ride or anything.
The worst part is that everyone notices that I'm depressed. Like I said, I can normally fake a smile and pass off as fine, but everyone is noticing. I hate that part. My parents gave me the nickname "smiley" when I was little because I was always smiling. That's who I've always been. I hate not being able to.
"Human" Christina Perri