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I'm on a mission to save the world! Or maybe just to find the perfect mac and cheese.
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Sunday, December 27, 2015

Flaws

Quick correction to my last post: I met my newest friend when I was 22.

And now to our feature presentation.

A little while back, someone insinuated that I was judgmental. I'm not saying that I can't be, in fact I try very hard not to be, but the way this person worded it made it sound like they didn't think they were. Reality check: Every single person alive is judgmental sometimes. Even the kindest people you know, who you'd swear aren't judgmental, are sometimes. They may not voice it, but I guarantee they think things. To think that you aren't is just blatant narcissism. Heck, even calling me judgmental was, in fact, being judgmental.

Ever since this insinuation, those words have been eating away at me. Every time I think about it, I get angry. I thought about lashing out like I usually do, but I held my tongue.

See, the reason it makes me angry is that I cannot handle people pointing out my flaws. I know I have many, but pointing them out is unnecessary. I don't point out yours, so don't point out mine. This, as so many other things do, goes back to my days as a bully's doormat. She would point out every... single... flaw. She'd even make some up just to make me feel bad. My sister does the same, but I won't go there tonight.

When I start thinking about things like this that have been said to me, I start on a fast track to depression. One tiny memory and suddenly I'm flooded with things others have said or things I've done. I've got a fantastic memory (my mom calls me "elephant brain" because they remember everything), so you can imagine how many bad things can run through my head.

I can be harsh, I lash out (sometimes for no reason). I've had friends cut ties with me because of this, but I've also gotten stronger bonds with some because they try to understand me instead of seeing the surface. Little secret: my moods are far more inconvenient to me than they are to you. I cry over every harsh word I say, but I'll never tell you.

"What If"~ Plain White T's

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