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Monday, May 16, 2016

Help. Please.

I'm my own worst enemy...

I'll be the last one to admit when I need real help. I'll say things like "I'm not feeling too great right now," but what I really mean is "I need more help than I'm getting."

My new therapist put me out nearly three weeks and I'm feeling rather neglected at the moment. See? No real admittance. I'm supposed to see her every week, but for some unknown reason, I was put out way farther.

I've been depressed for about three or four weeks now and I think I'm getting to the point of needing to go inpatient. I hate those places, but I need more care than I'm currently getting at my clinic. So here I am... I'm asking for help. I can't do this on my own anymore.

I'm sitting here crying because I don't want to go in, but I also know that it'll do some good. Ok, I'm crying because I'm in pain, but the dramatic effect was too easy to pass up.

I've got some people I can talk to; friends, twitter contacts, and whatnot. The thing is, talking isn't helping anymore. All day, every day, my thoughts are filled with these horrible images of how I could do it and thoughts of "I just want this to end." The thought of dying has become so natural that it's actually scaring me. My thoughts never scare me.

Winston Churchill suffered with depression and described it as a black dog he kept in the corner. I can't keep mine in the corner because it's all around me. It's like a black cloud swirling around me that I can't get out of and it's making it hard to breathe.

I need help.

1 comment:

  1. Big big hugs.
    You've gotta breathe and focus and find that one happy thing. That one shining instance that gives you what you're looking for. The reason to get out of bed in the morning. The next step is to find someone you can openly vent to in the interim. When my last shrinkydink pushed me out to twice a month I felt abandoned and lost. I realized I just needed someone to hear me and acknowledge me. I needed validation. Maybe that's not exactly what you need, but maybe it can help you find it. I know you're strong as can be and you can take that next step. If that next step is inpatient right now, then that's what you need. There's no shame in admitting you're in over your head.

    You can do this. You've just gotta head north.

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