I've never been the girl that people want around. I mean, I have my friends, but they're few and far between. Facebook "friends" don't count. It's the people who call and invite you to do things that do. The last time someone called me and asked me to do something was last summer when my friend visited from Korea (yay Army bases). But what really bites the big one is that people I work with actively ignore and exclude me. This has happened at every job I've had, save for one.
All I want is to fit in, or better yet, just be accepted for who I am. People don't take the time to get to know me before making their snap judgments. I didn't fit in working at the bookstore because I read true crime instead of Harry Potter. I didn't fit in working at the music/movie store because heaven forbid, I like a few mainstream bands. I hated half of what they played there, but I never complained. I put in something even remotely pop and they shut it right off. I like what I like and I refuse to apologize for it! I accept that you like what you like. Why can't others be the same?
It's bad enough that I feel alone, but to actually be alone hurts more than people know. Like I've said before, I won't show any emotion around anyone but family, so nobody knows that I'm dying inside. I'm weird. So what? That doesn't make me a bad person.
I just wish I could find my niche. I'm not good enough to hang with the "good kids," nor am I bad enough to hang with the "bad kids." I'm stuck in the middle and it sucks.
This concludes today's episode of "Pity me." Joins us next week when we talk hair and eye color.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Thursday, June 26, 2014
To be, or not to be?
"Happiness is a choice."
Yeah. We've all heard it. It's drilled into us like 1+1=2. Well, for someone suffering from mental illness, it simply isn't true. Whether it be Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, or what have you, happiness is no more a choice than having the illness to begin with.
I've heard all sorts of things, every one of them more offensive and ignorant than the last. Let's take some of them and turn them around a bit to qualify for someone with a physical ailment.
"Happy thoughts will make you happy."
"Happy thoughts will make your cancer disappear."
"You want to be unhappy. It gets you more attention."
"You like being a double amputee. You get more attention."
"If you choose to be happy, you will be."
"If you choose to not be paralyzed, you won't be."
Get what I'm aiming at? The worst thing you can ever tell me, is that I choose whether I'm happy or not. Believe me, if it was that simple, mental illness wouldn't exist in the first place. I want to be happy! I've tried all sorts of methods of higher thinking, they just don't work. They may work for someone who wants a diagnosis of Bipolar, but for someone in deep... not a chance.
Side note: Yes, there are people who actually want the diagnosis. They're actually (more than likely, anyway) a Borderline Personality. Yes. It's a thing. Look it up or just watch Girl, Interrupted.
So, just in case I haven't made myself clear...
Yeah. We've all heard it. It's drilled into us like 1+1=2. Well, for someone suffering from mental illness, it simply isn't true. Whether it be Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, or what have you, happiness is no more a choice than having the illness to begin with.
I've heard all sorts of things, every one of them more offensive and ignorant than the last. Let's take some of them and turn them around a bit to qualify for someone with a physical ailment.
"Happy thoughts will make you happy."
"Happy thoughts will make your cancer disappear."
"You want to be unhappy. It gets you more attention."
"You like being a double amputee. You get more attention."
"If you choose to be happy, you will be."
"If you choose to not be paralyzed, you won't be."
Get what I'm aiming at? The worst thing you can ever tell me, is that I choose whether I'm happy or not. Believe me, if it was that simple, mental illness wouldn't exist in the first place. I want to be happy! I've tried all sorts of methods of higher thinking, they just don't work. They may work for someone who wants a diagnosis of Bipolar, but for someone in deep... not a chance.
Side note: Yes, there are people who actually want the diagnosis. They're actually (more than likely, anyway) a Borderline Personality. Yes. It's a thing. Look it up or just watch Girl, Interrupted.
So, just in case I haven't made myself clear...
>Happiness isn't always a choice<
Monday, June 23, 2014
You mean it's not just me?
Ok. Today has sucked more than a black hole and I really don't know why. Well... I do, but it's just frustrating.
I just went to Costco with my family and the whole time I just wanted to pick something up and throw it. Mostly because punching people can land you in jail. Everything was just jumping on my last nerve with cleats! If somebody didn't move fast enough. If someone talked to me. If someone sneezed. Everything!
Now, the way I was raised has made it so I don't really show emotion. I can count on one hand the number of people outside my family who have seen me cry, and nobody outside has seen me throw a proper fit. Not even my best friends. I mean, hardly anyone knew I was dealing with this until I posted this blog on my Facebook page. Anyhow... Lately I've been less tuned in to being "normal." If I'm freaking out (for lack of a better term), it's fairly obvious when I reset. I'll shut my eyes tight, clench my mouth and teeth, make a fist, and take a deep breath or two.
Anyway, as I've become more open with this, even the last few days, I've been noticing other people more. If you watch people, I mean really watch them, you'll notice that everyone resets in some way or another. The mother with a crying kid, the stressed out business man on the phone, and the people who look like they have it all together.
Everyone is going through something that the rest of us don't know about. Be patient. Be kind.
I just went to Costco with my family and the whole time I just wanted to pick something up and throw it. Mostly because punching people can land you in jail. Everything was just jumping on my last nerve with cleats! If somebody didn't move fast enough. If someone talked to me. If someone sneezed. Everything!
Now, the way I was raised has made it so I don't really show emotion. I can count on one hand the number of people outside my family who have seen me cry, and nobody outside has seen me throw a proper fit. Not even my best friends. I mean, hardly anyone knew I was dealing with this until I posted this blog on my Facebook page. Anyhow... Lately I've been less tuned in to being "normal." If I'm freaking out (for lack of a better term), it's fairly obvious when I reset. I'll shut my eyes tight, clench my mouth and teeth, make a fist, and take a deep breath or two.
Anyway, as I've become more open with this, even the last few days, I've been noticing other people more. If you watch people, I mean really watch them, you'll notice that everyone resets in some way or another. The mother with a crying kid, the stressed out business man on the phone, and the people who look like they have it all together.
Everyone is going through something that the rest of us don't know about. Be patient. Be kind.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
From 0 to "did I just do that?!" in 2.4 seconds
So, my last post was about horrific, uncontrollable energy. It sucks because I suddenly become the annoying one who never shuts up. Today is the complete opposite. I've got no energy at all. I'm even finding it difficult to write about.
Basic law of physics: what goes up, must come down. This is so true for me (I won't generalize all people with the disorder). But the thing is, I'm like a ball with a motor. I keep getting higher after I hit the ground, and the higher I get, the harder I fall. I can always count on my mood after a particularly bad day, and again after a particularly good day.
Fun example A: If I spend a day with a friend, and we're actually going out and doing things, not just sitting at home, I get a "high." I start to crash on my way home. By the time I get there (usually about 20 minutes), I'm in the pit.
Fun example B: I'll spend the next day crying on and off, wishing that I wouldn't simply die, but just cease to exist. Then, like magic, the next day I'm on a random road trip by myself and feeling like I can conquer the world.
Something that most people don't understand is that my thoughts are not my own. Since I was a kid, I've told people that my brain has a mind of its own. It's not like I hear voices, I just get feelings and thoughts that aren't necessarily mine. I tend to believe that, since Bipolar Disorder is an actual brain anomaly rather than a chemical imbalance, I can have multiple thoughts and feelings simultaneously. But, that's just my own belief. Don't go quoting me on that.
The really fun thing is that my thoughts are so scattered and disorganized that some people have a hard time keeping up. If you ever watched Gilmore Girls, you kind of know what I'm talking about. Someone will say something, and it'll spark a chain of events in my head and I'll wind up saying something out of left field.
Fun example C: Someone will mention Matthew Perry and I'll start singing Highway To Hell. Why? This... Matthew Perry --> Perrie Edwards --> Edward Scissor Hands --> Hands of Heaven --> Heaven is a Place On Earth --> Earth, Wind, & Fire --> Fires of Hell --> Highway To Hell. And all that happens in about half a second.
So basically today I'm a barely breathing drone with a rocket with thoughts running thru my head. On the bright side... I have Nick Santino's new album. Man I love my repeat button!
Basic law of physics: what goes up, must come down. This is so true for me (I won't generalize all people with the disorder). But the thing is, I'm like a ball with a motor. I keep getting higher after I hit the ground, and the higher I get, the harder I fall. I can always count on my mood after a particularly bad day, and again after a particularly good day.
Fun example A: If I spend a day with a friend, and we're actually going out and doing things, not just sitting at home, I get a "high." I start to crash on my way home. By the time I get there (usually about 20 minutes), I'm in the pit.
Fun example B: I'll spend the next day crying on and off, wishing that I wouldn't simply die, but just cease to exist. Then, like magic, the next day I'm on a random road trip by myself and feeling like I can conquer the world.
Something that most people don't understand is that my thoughts are not my own. Since I was a kid, I've told people that my brain has a mind of its own. It's not like I hear voices, I just get feelings and thoughts that aren't necessarily mine. I tend to believe that, since Bipolar Disorder is an actual brain anomaly rather than a chemical imbalance, I can have multiple thoughts and feelings simultaneously. But, that's just my own belief. Don't go quoting me on that.
The really fun thing is that my thoughts are so scattered and disorganized that some people have a hard time keeping up. If you ever watched Gilmore Girls, you kind of know what I'm talking about. Someone will say something, and it'll spark a chain of events in my head and I'll wind up saying something out of left field.
Fun example C: Someone will mention Matthew Perry and I'll start singing Highway To Hell. Why? This... Matthew Perry --> Perrie Edwards --> Edward Scissor Hands --> Hands of Heaven --> Heaven is a Place On Earth --> Earth, Wind, & Fire --> Fires of Hell --> Highway To Hell. And all that happens in about half a second.
So basically today I'm a barely breathing drone with a rocket with thoughts running thru my head. On the bright side... I have Nick Santino's new album. Man I love my repeat button!
Friday, June 20, 2014
Excited much?
Ok, 2 posts in 1 day probably won't happen like, ever again. I just had to update some things then rant for a minute. But... I changed the colour of my blog to green since the awareness ribbon for Bipolar Disorder is, well, green. Yeah. See what I did there? ;)
Ok, so I just got home from what has got to go down in history as the most awkward first date ever! Since I've always got a billion thoughts running thru my head, I tend to talk a lot when I get nervous and it's usually something absolutely ridiculous that I then have to cover for by saying something even worse. Worst part: I talk freely. No boundaries, no rules, no limit to the amount of pure stupidity spewing from my mouth. This is why I never get the second date. I come off as weird, and instead of giving it time and getting comfortable, guys just see weird and run. Nobody takes the time to get to know me anymore. I mean, in school, you were stuck with certain people so much that you got to know them and understand them. Now, the first impression is everything!
I. Don't. Make. A. Good. First. Impression.
I haven't actually made a new friend in years! I'll meet someone, like at work, and everything's great, until I get a little more comfortable... Yeah, I can be loud(ish), and I get bursts of uncontrollable energy, but it's not my fault and believe me, if I could control it, I most definitely would! But I can't! You get excited and you say "awesome!" When I get excited, I talk about it... a lot, and fast, and kinda loud. I get energy that I really wish would just go away. I literally can't think about anything besides whatever it is, which can make everything else difficult, if not impossible. Driving is loads of fun, let me tell you.
Fun example: I was listening to the radio, and this song came on that I really liked. I didn't know who did it and missed when they announced it. Next time it was on, I noticed it was One Direction (don't judge). So I looked it up on YouTube, and guess what... they're kinda cute. I watched more videos and "cute" turned into "hot." Welp... things escalated quickly and I now have a 1D calendar, Louis posters in my closet, and I'm pretty sure I know more about them than any 12-year-old girl in the world. This has been an episode of "Confessions of an Adult One Direction Fangirl."
FACT: Energy cannot always be contained. Learn before you judge.
Ok, so I just got home from what has got to go down in history as the most awkward first date ever! Since I've always got a billion thoughts running thru my head, I tend to talk a lot when I get nervous and it's usually something absolutely ridiculous that I then have to cover for by saying something even worse. Worst part: I talk freely. No boundaries, no rules, no limit to the amount of pure stupidity spewing from my mouth. This is why I never get the second date. I come off as weird, and instead of giving it time and getting comfortable, guys just see weird and run. Nobody takes the time to get to know me anymore. I mean, in school, you were stuck with certain people so much that you got to know them and understand them. Now, the first impression is everything!
I. Don't. Make. A. Good. First. Impression.
I haven't actually made a new friend in years! I'll meet someone, like at work, and everything's great, until I get a little more comfortable... Yeah, I can be loud(ish), and I get bursts of uncontrollable energy, but it's not my fault and believe me, if I could control it, I most definitely would! But I can't! You get excited and you say "awesome!" When I get excited, I talk about it... a lot, and fast, and kinda loud. I get energy that I really wish would just go away. I literally can't think about anything besides whatever it is, which can make everything else difficult, if not impossible. Driving is loads of fun, let me tell you.
Fun example: I was listening to the radio, and this song came on that I really liked. I didn't know who did it and missed when they announced it. Next time it was on, I noticed it was One Direction (don't judge). So I looked it up on YouTube, and guess what... they're kinda cute. I watched more videos and "cute" turned into "hot." Welp... things escalated quickly and I now have a 1D calendar, Louis posters in my closet, and I'm pretty sure I know more about them than any 12-year-old girl in the world. This has been an episode of "Confessions of an Adult One Direction Fangirl."
FACT: Energy cannot always be contained. Learn before you judge.
Bipolar 101
Bipolar Disorder (as defined by WebMD.com-- link below):Bipolar is a complex illness. There are many different symptoms -- and several different types -- of bipolar disorder. The primary symptoms of the disorder are dramatic and unpredictable mood swings. The various types of bipolar disorder range from mild to severe.
There are indeed many different types of bipolar disorder. Bipolar I, Bipolar II, Rapid Cycling, Cyclothymic, and Mixed Bipolar. Most people don't know that these different types exist, let alone what the differences are. Allow me to enlighten you.
Bipolar I- "The Cop Out" Basically depression with one, maybe two manic episodes in the person's life.
Bipolar II- "The 'Norm'" A relatively slow swing between depression and hypomania (never reaching full-blown mania).
Cyclothymic- "Cop Out: The Sequel" Basically BP II, but neither depression or hypomania/mania ever reaching extreme.
Mixed Bipolar- "Hell" When depression and mania occur simultaneously. Tons of ideas rushing through your head at 10x the speed of light, but absolutely no ambition to even get off the couch. This is my "normal."
Hi. My name is Charmaine, and I have Bipolar Disorder.
That was loads harder than I thought it would be. Even now I'm wondering if I should just scrap this whole thing. I've only told a handful of really close friends about this because I was (am) afraid of the responses I'll get, the way I'll be treated, and the stigmas that go along with mental illness.
Now, I'm not saying that what I'm going thru is any worse than what you're going thru, my goal is simply to educate people on what Bipolar really is as opposed to what the media portrays it as. I'm going to aim for at least one post per week, but as I said above... loads of ideas with no ambition to carry them out. I'll just post my thoughts and feelings (nothing offensive intended).
Today's thoughts (that sparked this whole blog thing to begin with)... Do you know what it's like to have nobody like you? I do. I can tell when I walk into a room whether or not I'm welcome. I mean, when you see people talking then they suddenly stop and look all uncomfortable when you come round? It doesn't take a genius to figure it out. I get it. I'm weird. I always have been. **I'm hungry, but I'm dead tired** **This is getting long and I'm dead tired**
Yep. Tired.
WebMD-BipolarDisorder
There are indeed many different types of bipolar disorder. Bipolar I, Bipolar II, Rapid Cycling, Cyclothymic, and Mixed Bipolar. Most people don't know that these different types exist, let alone what the differences are. Allow me to enlighten you.
Bipolar I- "The Cop Out" Basically depression with one, maybe two manic episodes in the person's life.
Bipolar II- "The 'Norm'" A relatively slow swing between depression and hypomania (never reaching full-blown mania).
Cyclothymic- "Cop Out: The Sequel" Basically BP II, but neither depression or hypomania/mania ever reaching extreme.
Mixed Bipolar- "Hell" When depression and mania occur simultaneously. Tons of ideas rushing through your head at 10x the speed of light, but absolutely no ambition to even get off the couch. This is my "normal."
Hi. My name is Charmaine, and I have Bipolar Disorder.
That was loads harder than I thought it would be. Even now I'm wondering if I should just scrap this whole thing. I've only told a handful of really close friends about this because I was (am) afraid of the responses I'll get, the way I'll be treated, and the stigmas that go along with mental illness.
Now, I'm not saying that what I'm going thru is any worse than what you're going thru, my goal is simply to educate people on what Bipolar really is as opposed to what the media portrays it as. I'm going to aim for at least one post per week, but as I said above... loads of ideas with no ambition to carry them out. I'll just post my thoughts and feelings (nothing offensive intended).
Today's thoughts (that sparked this whole blog thing to begin with)... Do you know what it's like to have nobody like you? I do. I can tell when I walk into a room whether or not I'm welcome. I mean, when you see people talking then they suddenly stop and look all uncomfortable when you come round? It doesn't take a genius to figure it out. I get it. I'm weird. I always have been. **I'm hungry, but I'm dead tired** **This is getting long and I'm dead tired**
Yep. Tired.
WebMD-BipolarDisorder
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)