Me

Faith.

I believe faith is crucial to anyone's mental health. Now, whatever you may believe is up to you, but have faith in something.

I'm from Utah, so I know quite  bit about faith. Now, I've been asked quite a few times, "You're from Utah. Are you Mormon?" This is going to take all the guts I've ever had and will ever have to explain, but the short answer is: no.

The long answer is: I was raised that way, and my mother tends to talk about those who leave "the church" like they're unintelligent for doing so or have committed some great sin, which is why, for the last several years, I have gone through the motions to make her happy. I've gone to church, pretended to be happy about it, and been absolutely miserable. I'll spare you all the details, but in the last few years, I've found myself finding it harder and harder to believe more and more of the teachings and as time has gone on, I've been getting more and more unhappy. This is the first anyone has heard of this, so, as you can imagine, this is incredibly difficult to type...

I have not lost my Christianity, however, and I believe I never will.

I know this will come as a huge disappointment to my mother and I know I'll get "the tone" from her, but I refuse to continue going to a church that doesn't teach what I believe. I'm not happy there, and that's not mentally healthy.

I shouldn't be surprised that this will be a disappointment to my family. My whole life, I've been informed in some way or another that I'm unacceptable. When I make a joke, I get my name. You know when your parents say your name and you just know you've done something wrong? Yeah... I get that a lot. This will be just one more thing about me that's not OK. According to my family, I'm not OK. Well it's time for me to step up and really be who I am.

Who I am is only good enough if I would be it openly.

Black Sails, White Rabbits

Hey all!

I've been asked to do a review on a book called "Black Sails White Rabbits; Cancer Was the Easy Part" by Keven A. Hall. I'm pretty excited because this means that my blog has reached a certain point where people are noticing it. I'm also excited because I've read up a bit on this book and the author and it, and he, seem awesome!

You can join my journey by getting this book and reading along with me! You can get it on Amazon here!

As a bit of a taste, the author's PR has sent me some stuff about him and his book to share with y'all. Hope you are all as excited to begin this journey as I am! I'll be starting it here pretty soon, so you probably have time to grab yourself a copy!

 

Award-winning Olympic and America’s Cup sailor Kevin A. Hall shares a stunningly candid chronicle of the thrilling highs and devastating lows of living and loving through the rough seas of bipolar disorder.

Young sailor and aspiring Olympic competitor Kevin A. Hall’s biggest dream was to raise a family. But within the space of three years, he was diagnosed with both testicular cancer and bipolar disorder, putting his family and Olympic dreams on hold. He soon found that surviving cancer was the easy part. Now a renowned Olympic and America’s Cup sailor with a wonderful wife and family, Hall shares a behind-the-scenes look at his struggles with mental illness in his riveting memoir.

Black Sails White Rabbits; Cancer Was the Easy Part

by Kevin A. Hall

CreateSpace (December 5, 2015)

People have some great things to say about it as well!

This is a compelling and extraordinary book about a life of extremes. Of mental pain and sporting triumph, of acute despair and a determination to achieve what others take for granted: a settled family life with a wife and children who love him. It's a jagged ride, funny, romantic and agonizing. Black Sails White Rabbits; is essential for what it says about mental illness and how crudely we still treat it. And like all the best art, its honesty is cathartic.

-- Philip Delves Broughton, New York Times bestselling author of Ahead of the Curve: Two Years at Harvard Business School and The Art of the Sale

A devastatingly honest account of being bipolar, told with amazing insight, great feeling and unbelievable humor.

-- Kendall Hailey, author of The Day I Became an Autodidact

Kevin Hall has an extraordinary life and his book leads us through it in a bracingly honest and intimate way. Moving, sad and humorous, Black Sails White Rabbits; should be required reading for all mental health professionals but will be enjoyed by anyone interested in human struggle and perseverance; the book tackles questions of identity that confront us all.

-- Joel Gold, M.D. author of Suspicious Minds: How Culture Shapes Madness
Clinical Associate Professor, Department of Psychiatry NYU School of Medicine

This is simply the best book about competitive sailing I have ever read.

-- Nathaniel Philbrick, author of In the Heart of the Sea and Why Read Moby-Dick

And just a little about the author...

Kevin A.  Hall is an Ivy League graduate of Brown University, where he earned a bachelor’s degree in mathematics and French literature. Despite being diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 1989, he went on to become a world-champion Olympic sailor, as well as racing navigator for Emirates Team New Zealand in the 2007 America’s Cup match. A two-time testicular cancer survivor, Hall has spent a successful 25 years as a racing navigator, speed testing manager, and sailing performance and racing instruments expert.A brief version of his story was featured in Joel and Ian Gold’s book Suspicious Minds: How Culture Shapes Madness, as the only non-anonymous case study of a patient with Truman Show delusion. Hall currently lives in Auckland, New Zealand with his wife and their three children. www.kevinahall.com

Facebook: /kevinahall

Twitter: @kevinhallwriter

Instagram: @kevinhallwriter

Color

Colour.

Why do Americans spell things wrong? Random thought of the day...

Anyway, I've decided to save up for a tattoo. I'm going to get a green awareness ribbon on my forearm with the words "part of me" written inside it. Why green? In case you missed the train, the awareness ribbon for Bipolar Disorder is green. If anyone knows what the colour for anxiety is, I'd like to incorporate that, too.

Bad segue in 3... 2... 1...

I got my medical alert bracelet! I have it mainly because I have to carry an EpiPen, but it's nice to have Bipolar Disorder and Anxiety on it as well because it says that I'm taking psych medications. So, if (heaven forbid) anything tragic should happen, they know they kinds of meds I'm on and can adjust accordingly.

It's black (duh!) leather and faux leather with silver studs. It's very punk/goth/biker. Basically it goes with my wardrobe.

This was kind of a pointless post, wasn't it? Oh well. Sometimes the pointless ones are the most popular. I don't quite understand it, but hey, I don't argue with you lovelies.

So if you know the colour for anxiety, leave it in the comments. Thanks in advance!

"Color"~ The Maine

Challenges

Here goes...

I met with my case manager today, and she gave me a blogging assignment. This is new for me and I hope this doesn't turn out like a boring school assignment.

Today, we talked about Brooke and the Hell she put me through. We made a list of things that those years with it (yes, it. It doesn't get the right to be a "her") left me with.

1. I don't believe in myself
2. I don't trust others
3. I'm overly apologetic
4. I allow her to take my power from me
5. I'm hurting relationships I don't even have yet
6. I'm waiting around to continue being a victim

And a couple others that I can't remember, but the point she made at the end was what got me. She wrote on the board (not exactly quoted, but close enough),

I am enough if I allow myself to be me.

 

So... the point was made that I still have negative thoughts toward myself. This is where her challenge came in. She challenged me to counter every single negative thought with a positive one. I've blogged before about trying to be more positive, but I guess I haven't really been doing that well with it.

 

Now... I can't do this on my own. I'm going to need y'all to do it with me. That's right! I'm challenging you to counter every negative thought with a positive one. DO IT!

 

"Cinderblock Garden"~ All Time Low



Times Are Changing

Daylight saving time.

Those three words can ruin anyone's weekend, but for those of us with sleeping patterns that are spotty at best, it ruins more than just a weekend.

My med manager took me off my downer because I was so depressed. Two days without it and I'm off-the-charts manic. I didn't sleep last night, but I wasn't tired today. That's how mania is, though. It's not just that you can't sleep, it's that you don't need sleep.

My thoughts are so scattered (obviously), I don't need sleep, and holy moly I was cranky today. I was overly stressed which just made that last part worse. I had an interview. Yeah... not going to take that job. This place, like so many others, have a double standard on appearance. Tattoos, gauges, and facial piercings are fine, but heaven forbid you have a subtle shade of blue in your hair.

This has been all mixed up, but that is how my mind works when I'm manic. There is absolutely no order or rationality to my thoughts. I get super talkative, overly sensitive to stress, and none of my thoughts link together.

Here's hoping for a downer soon. Just a little one.

"You're Makin' Me High"~ Toni Braxton

 

Dark and Light

Take THAT!

Last night, I tweeted a few things about how bad I was feeling and even my suicidal ideation. Today, someone got on my case and threatened to block me for it. When I tweeted that this guy had done that, I got so much support! Nobody could believe that anyone with a handle like @EndTheStigma_ie (feel free to block him) would do such a thing.

This comes after I got more support than I had expected on a suicidal Facebook rant. I got support from people I haven't seen or even really talked to in years!

My point: there's darkness. No need to deny it, we all know it's there because we all experience it. 

I posted on Facebook a while ago, saying...

"Just a note to those who make me smile in life or thru social media:

I know that it can be hard when you're surrounded by negativity. It can feel like you're the only one trying to stay positive and trying to lift others up. Negativity is like a black hole; it pulls you in with it and can swallow you whole. Just know that you are not unappreciated. Those of us who are incapable of finding the light in our perpetual darkness can see the light in you, and even if just for a moment, we aren't so alone, afraid, or lost. Sometimes all the darkness needs is a flicker of light. Thank you for being that light."

Now I dedicate this to those on Twitter who come to my rescue.

Short post today. No song. Sorry.

Bipolar 102

What is Bipolar Disorder?

I was talking to a friend earlier about my mixed episodes, and I thought that I should explain a bit about all the ins and outs of Bipolar Disorder. Fun Fact: I am by no means an expert. All the info here is from personal experience only.

Depression:
This is more that just a passing feeling. It can be all encompassing. You're tired both physically and emotionally, and can get to the point where any movement at all (even smiling) can hurt. You tend to sleep a lot more than usual, and can even stay in bed all day long because you're so tired. Your thoughts, speech, and, movements (if possible) are significantly slowed to where others notice.

Mania:
Thoughts and ideas racing through your mind are a pretty good indicator. You have heightened energy which then negates the need for sleep. It is not uncommon to be awake for several days.  Inflated sense of self (better than saying ego...) and belief that you can do anything. Opposite of depression, your speech becomes rapid to where those around tend to notice.

Mixed:
This is where I usually live. You're physically tired, as with depression, but you've got racing thoughts, as is with mania. Basically, you've got a million and one ideas, but you're too tired to get out of bed.

As you can imagine, none of these are particularly fun. Well, some people love their mania... Last week, I was manic. This week, I'm mixed. I'm slow and tired, but at the same time, I've got the attention span of a... ooh, shiny! I can't hardly read, watch TV, or even listen to music because I get so bored, but I can't exercise or really go out because I'm so tired. This, lovelies, is my "normal."

I really like a quote from the chorus of this song... "Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year."
"Weightless"~ All Time Low