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Thursday, September 14, 2017

Medication Conversation

This could get weird...

So I went out with a good friend to see a movie (Home Again. Super cute!) and go to dinner. Nothing fancy. Just two friends hanging out.

While we were at dinner, we started talking about mental health. I'm not entirely sure how we got there, but with this friend, it's a usual subject. Now, when I get talking, especially about a topic I'm passionate about, my mouth tends to run faster than my brain. My brain usually catches up fairly quickly, but tonight, I didn't realise what I'd said until I got home. I said, "I honestly dont know why I'm even on meds."

I only realised I had said that when I sat down to take my meds. I sat there, staring at the bottles and that sentence just kept going round and round in my head. I kept asking myself, "Why am I on meds?" I mean, I've been in a depression for near a year now even though I'm on an antidepressant. Side note: I've been down here because of a ridiculously strong birth control that depleted my testosterone level, and low testosterone causes depression. I got a testosterone implant that has done exactly zero for me. Thus continuing this train of thought.

So I ask again. Why do I take meds that do exactly nothing for me? I have no answer for this.

I used to think people were nuts when they'd say, "I miss my mania," but I totally get it now. I loathe being manic, but anything beats a year-long depression. Every now and then, I feel "funny." I'm never sure how to describe it, but sometimes I wonder if that's what good feels like. It feels funny because it's been so long since I've felt good that I no longer recognise it.

I have two friends that I know of who suffer from depression. One understands that Bipolar depression is different and much more difficult to treat. The other hasn't quite learned that yet. I appreciate her attempts to help me, but what works for depression doesn't touch Bipolar depression.

I'm at a loss. My meds don't help. I've tried others, but I get the bad reactions from them. One made me so dizzy that I was throwing up, and another has left me with permanent involuntary eye movements (super fun, let me tell you...). I've basically tried every med in the book. My new-ish med manager is so conservative that she'll start me on the lowest dose of something. Even when I told her that I wanted the one I'm on. I'd been on the highest dose for a year before she changed it, but when she put me back on, she put me on the lowest dose and expected it to work. And now with the testosterone implant... I'm on a low dose despite having a dangerously low level!

Revelation coming in 3... 2... 1...

Maybe it's just that I need a much higher dose of testosterone. Maybe my meds just can't keep up with my low level. Guess I'll just have to see next month when I get a higher dose. Only problem with that is that if it doesn't work and I still need a higher dose, I have to wait three whole months to raise it again.


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