Learn Something New Every Day

That was eye opening.

My entire life, I've felt like the pity friend. The one others hang out with as a last ditch effort to get out of the house, the one others felt bad for, and the obligation. I've always felt nervous that I was bothering my friends any time I'd text or call; that they had better things to do than talk to me. Imagine my shock when I learned otherwise.

I was talking to one of my best friends, as usual, and she said "I love and miss you." My brain couldn't quite compute that as a she-meant-what-she-said thing. Like, why would anyone say that to me? I'm not the one people genuinely care about. I'm just the one people talk to when nobody else is around. My brain went round and round, trying to think of the why behind it. I mean, others have said it, but for some reason my brain never accepted it from them, either.

I started going through my memories with this friend, trying to see a time where I didn't feel like the obligation, and it hit me. Feelings are not facts. I felt like the pity friend, but her (and so many others) actions disproved that feeling. She and I spent practically every day together, one summer in high school. I was one of her bridesmaids. We took trips to Las Vegas and the UK. She texts me all the awesome things she sees in her job, and brings me keychains and decks of cards from all over the world. 

I'm still struggling to get my brain to change its tune, but I'm starting to see things in memories with other friends that kinda make me think I'm wrong. I'm 35 years old, and just now finding out that people do, in fact, care about me.

To all my wonderful friends, forgive me if I don't totally understand this concept quite yet. It might take another 35 years for it to sink in, but I'm working on it.

I Get It

I didn't fail. 

As many already know, I've been trying to lower my Seroquel dose, 50mg at a time. Less than two weeks ago, I started on 250mg. Today, that changes.

I noticed certain manic behaviors popping up. Most of the time, I noticed in time to check myself and control it before it could control me. I'd start talking a lot, talking quickly, and getting overly excited for fairly mundane things. That was easy enough to see and correct before it went overboard. Then it got bad.

Last Saturday, my mom and I picked up my favorite aunt, and we all went to lunch. Everything was cool; I wasn't leaning too far into the manic or the depressive. That is, until about five minutes after I'd finished eating. I got super quiet, I was staring at the table, and I'm pretty sure the storm cloud over my head was actually visible to everyone around. I stayed that way for a few hours until something brought me back up.

Fast forward to today. My job is phone customer service. I love it. I've got great people I work with, and it's not bam-bam-bam; I actually get a break between calls, most of the time. Yes, the general public seems to interpret "customer service representative" as "verbal punching bag" or "magician who can do anything, even if it's outside company policy or possibilities", but for the most part, it's fantastic. Until my brain went full-on attack mode.

I woke up crabby, and my very first call was a cantankerous old man who thought that he knew everything, and wouldn't listen to the rep he called for help. (Ok dude... Don't listen to me. Keep doing it wrong. I get paid by the hour, so I frankly don't care if you keep getting yourself in circles.)

Anyhow, by lunchtime, I was actually getting snippy with people. If the caller was rude, I seemed to give it right back. Not good in this industry, thanks to each and every call being "recorded for training and quality purposes", which is basically code for "We're going to use your bad calls as examples of why you USED to work here."

I kicked myself in the tush by calling off the afternoon and tomorrow, but it's better than losing my job altogether because of some idiot who can't grasp literally anything. The absences go against me, but they're not career-ending. Letting someone have it is a whole other ballgame.

In conclusion, I let my wonderful med manager know that I'll be increasing my dose back to 300mg, and as always, she trusts me to know myself, and has zero issues with calling it in. I really did find a great med manager! 

Always listen to yourself on how you feel with your meds. The doctor can hear you say how you feel, but they aren't inside your brain, and we might not always be able to express exactly what's going on inside. You'll know you've got a good one when they trust you just as much as you trust them. 

I AM NOT TELLING YOU TO BYPASS YOUR PROVIDER!!! ALWAYS SPEAK WITH THEM ABOUT ADJUSTMENTS!!!