My dear friend Bonnie passed away two months ago, and I'm still having an incredibly difficult time with it. Every freaking day, she comes to mind for some reason or another, and I will inevitably break down for a while. Every. Day.
I've sent messages to her Instagram, hoping that would help get my feelings out. Nope. Just made things worse. Even as I sit here writing this, tears are falling, and I seriously need to put the lid on my cottage cheese.
I've lost people. Lots of people. Far too many people. They've all hurt. Badly. Very few have had me like this, for this long. My grandma, my dear uncle, and Bonnie. Not to say the others didn't mean that much to me, it's just how my brain has processed things.
It hurts like mad. It feels like, as Ron Weasley put it, "Like I'd never be cheerful again." Sometimes it hurts so badly that I can't breathe... or move... or think. I feel like my soul is dying. Like I can't go on.
The one thing that's different from (almost) everyone else I've lost, I didn't know it was coming. I didn't know she was sick. And she had such a short battle with cancer that she was here, someone snapped, and she was gone. No warning.
There's an ever-growing hole in my heart, and no matter how hard I try, the pain doesn't let up. It's a constant reminder of these wonderful people I know, but can't ever talk to, again. Not for a while, anyhow. Eventually, though.
Hopefully my daily (somtimes 2, 3, or 4 times daily) breakdowns will slow. It'll never stop hurting, but I hope one day I'll be able to handle it better. Until then... Cry. Laugh. Repeat.
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