I See

This is why I never look up.

So, a couple years ago, one of my besties slapped me in the face by telling me "I love you." This made me question my whole existence. Then, when I started posting about this, other friends spoke up, showing me that, yes, some people actually like me. Like, maybe I'm not just the pity friend they only keep around because they feel bad for me! 

This, as you can imagine, took a wicked long time to even begin to break my stubborn, thick skull. But all the work that has been done has been so quickly undone.

I've reconnected with so many friends from school after explaining how it was, in fact, me pushing them away rather than them being the problem. I explained how warped my brain has been by a lifetime of narcissistic abuse, and how I really want to get to know these people as adults. Most... don't care. 

They have accepted friend requests on Facebook, but never react to or comment on anything I post unless I tag them in it. They react to and comment on loads of other people's stuff, though. My personal favorite snub is the "like."

I have told so many of these friends how I'm there for them, I care about them, how if they need anything they can call, and I sympathize with their struggles. Without fail, I get a "like" and at best a, "thank you." The other comments from their other friends? Those get a ❤️ and fawning. "Oh, thank you! You are so thoughtful! Just knowing you're here makes me feel better!"

Every freaking time I feel better, see the bright side, or anything good happens to me... it drops, and the fallout is worse than the situation was before. Every. Time. Without fail.

I'm a grown woman, crying at the kitchen table because now I know that how I feel is actually reality. I am, indeed, an obligation. I'm the pity friend. I'm the annoyance you don't need or want but are too polite to say so.

So, no. I will not be, as I see it, begging for your friendship anymore. I have never been popular, and now that I'm grown, I don't feel the need to be. I do, however, expect the same care and respect that I show you. 

If you don't want to be in my life-- if you need an out so you don't feel awkward about saying so-- this is it. No hard feelings. I'd rather have zero contact than be brushed off as the obvious obligation I am.

To my friends who actually DO like me, I'll talk with you soon.

Absolutely Not

I will not tolerate it.

I had a friend who was never really a friend, but on my Facebook friends because of mutual friends. We all have those. When we first met, he was super cool. Very chill, considerate, and wise. Over the last few years, that completely changed.

See, people with functioning adult brains don't get upset if you vote differently than they do. I know this because I'm a Republican and have many friends who are Democrats. We don't bring it up because guess what... you are more than your political opinions! Shocker, I know. This dude doesn't get that.

A while ago, he posted a thing about "If you needed a reason to block me" and it had a bunch of far-left statements. I, having that functional adult brain, commented that I didn't care about that, and that we were still friends. That's the day I learned that he wasn't just Democrat, or even far-left. He has become radical leftist. He and his friends, with their false and entirely inaccurate accusations, got their knickers in a twist like I'd never seen. I had to turn off notifications because their wildly unhinged ideas about what Republicans believe were both comic and frustrating.

After that, he would only react and comment on any of my posts that he felt the need to argue on. Never, ever anything else. That's when I changed my post settings to "friends except" him. I'm not going to delete him over politics. That's a temper tantrum tactic used by these radical leftists that I simply don't understand. 

Then there was yesterday...

I got a notification that this guy laughed at a comment I had made on a random video where I was defending my faith. The video beeped out many words, the least offensive of which was "drugs," but thought that the blasphemous abuse of the name of our Lord and Savior was ok. Fun fact: Jesus Christ is Lord, not a curse or exclamatory phrase.

This guy, this supposed friend, saw my comment, with my name, and made the executive decision to mock my faith. That's the line that I will not move. If you don't believe in Christianity, that's your choice. But you will NOT mock my faith and remain in my life.

I have been mocked my entire life. From my narcissistic family members, to other kids at school, to teachers, and even coworkers and bosses. None of these have ever mocked my faith. I decided a long time ago that I'm not going to keep people around who mock me. Mock me, get deleted. Mock my faith, get blocked.

To this guy's friends and family who may read this: I'm willing to bet that he'll tell you a story of how the Republican couldn't deal with his views, deleting him because of how petty Republicans are. This is 10000000000000000000% FALSE. He made the decision to be a jerk. He made the decision to mock me. He made the decision to mock my faith. He's been blocked from my life for being a massive jerk directly to me, not because of how his ballot looks.

His goal was to hurt me, then make me look bad for blocking him. Classic narcissistic behavior. I will not be treated this way, and I will not tolerate blatant mocking of my faith. End of sentence.

My Uphill Journey

When does the trail even out?

I read a blip from a book called Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members that read, "When you are constantly criticized by your family, you do not stop loving them. You stop loving yourself." That hit me. In the face. Like a baseball bat.

If you've been following me for any amount of time, you know that I was raised by a narcissistic father, and wound up with my one and only sibling following his lead. Father is a covert narcissist, sister is a malignant narcissist. This, as you can imagine, was a hell that not even the demon Crawley could have imagined. (I saw a Supernatural meme earlier, so my brain went there.)

My sister would only engage with me when it benefitted her, or when she had nobody else to talk to. And now that I said that out loud, I realize that's probably where I got the idea that I was just an obligation or the pity friend. Yay epiphany.

When we got older, after she got married, it got worse. And worse. And worse. And worse. I never knew how she was going to treat me. Was she going to give me a hug and sing the rubber ducky song (she used to call me ducky)? Was she going to be Nasty McNasty and treat me like I had killed her dog? Was she going to ignore me all together? I just never knew, and it was beyond stressful. Every time I knew I was going to have to be around her, my guard was at 100% and my anxiety was unmanageable.

I was lying in bed last night, thinking about how I loathe myself. I think about things I did and think how stupid, idiotic, and just plain freakish I was. But then I remembered. Growing up, I lived in a fantasy world. I made things up, like telling others about how I had all these friends. No. I definitely did not have anywhere near that many friends. I had more fingers than friends. There were other things that I don't want to bring up, but suffice it to say, yes, I made a LOT of things up. And now I know why.

My reality was hell. Abused by two of my three family members, bullied by half the school... Hell. I had to make up my own world in order to survive. It was my escape. It was where I felt safe and loved and wanted.

To some extent, I still live in a fantasy. I play scenes in my head where I'm popular, independent, and normal. My reality has changed as I have grown and learned, but I still don't like where I am. My illness, my awkwardness, my weird way of talking and moving and thinking. I don't like me. But I've learned that despite my feelings towards myself, I have so many more people who DO like me than I ever could have hoped. 

To be perfectly honest, I still get surprised when someone talks to me for more than one or two sentences. My oddities don't seem to bother others the way they bother me, I guess. To those people, thank you. Thank you for showing up, for smiling when you see me, for accepting me when I can't yet fully accept myself.

I have a small circle of friends who I like to call my sisters. My chosen family. I don't need biology to tell me who to have that unbreakable bond with.

I want to give a huge shout-out to Cindy! Thank you. This post was written because of what you said at the party ❤️ More to come, too.

Absolutely Livid

Beyond infuriating.

When I had to stop working last November, I went back on disability. The pennies they give me per month is, as my grandmother put it, "Not enough to live on, too much to die on".

Utah, in its infinite stupidity, has decided that the income limit for Medicaid is three hundred dollars a month less than my disability, so I don't qualify. This leaves me with Medicare. I'll say it again, these "Medicare for all" people should definitely have to try to live on it. They'd change their tune within a month.

My doctor appointments are billed to me over a hundred dollars. Each. My therapy that I have to do to continually prove my inability to work? Over twenty dollars per week.

"That's not bad" you say? Allow me to elaborate...

I have a car loan. That car requires the payment of insanely priced car insurance, ever-rising yearly taxes, hideous gas prices, and periodic maintenence. That, alone, takes most of my monthly check. 

I have other responsibilities I must pay, which leave me literal PENNIES a month leftover. But the state thinks I can pay for my healthcare. I've been very ill for a freakishly long time, but I can't afford to see a doctor about it.

There's a whole political rant this could go into (FJB!!!), but I'd rather my blog not get "cancelled" by the bleeding hearts who don't understand basic economics, let alone the American Constitution. Suffice it to say that citizens aren't priority to that side of the line.

Yes, I'm trying VERY hard to get a job, but A- my brain hasn't calmed yet, and B- have you seen the market? It's brutal out there! If you're looking for work, godspeed. 

~End rant~

I Do Not Want To Play This Game

Up, down. Back, forth. Left, right.

I realized I haven't posted since January, and thought I'd post tonight/this morning. It's late, so it could be either.

So, things had been going fairly well after I quit my stressful job. I reconnected with quite a few old friends, I started going out in public, I even got together with some friends for dinner and a movie, this past week! On the outside, I was doing amazing! On the inside, though... it's a very different story.

I'm sitting at my table, scrolling Facebook videos, watching combative idiots get arrested, and finding exactly zero joy in it. Just like everything else, these days. I smile, I laugh, I make conversation, but I'm dead inside.

I noticed the depression start to creep in about three months ago, but I kept on going. I ran face first into the brick wall of it about a month ago. No reason that I can pinpoint. Other than the "bi" part of "Bipolar", that is. It comes on without permission, and it wipes me out. I try to stay busy with things, but I slowly stopped doing those things, because they became chores. The novel I'm writing hasn't been touched in over a month, my journal is gathering dust, my Duolingo streak was broken, even this blog has become even less than an afterthought.

Since moving back in with my mom after my ill-fated house experience, and quitting my job, she and I watch a lot of things together. TV series and movies, mostly, with the odd Facebook video (Fridays With Frank. Look it up.). Movies that are absolute favorites, that I can quote in their entirety, aren't lifting my spirits. Harry Potter has been binged like three or four times. Nothing.

That dinner and movie this last week? I adore these people with everything I am... but I wasn't fully there. We were all talking (me maybe a bit too much), smiling, laughing... but there was nothing inside. I'm sure it was noticeable, as I had a tendency to bring things to a screeching halt when the tangent subjects took me down darker paths. It didn't help that I've been physically ill for a while and wasn't able to eat, having had just a Sprite. We went on to see The Mummy for its 25th anniversary. I love that movie. I quoted it all the way through. Never once did I smile.

There is one thing that's happened that gave me peace, at least. I finally banned my "sister" from my life. She came over a couple weeks ago, and she came out swinging! She was as nasty as ever, and all I said was "The battery is dead" as my mom's car was being towed away. She was at her best pathetic, petty, selfishness as she's ever been, and I'd had enough. I sent her a long text that I know she didn't read, but I kept it as proof that I'd told her I was done. I have no sister. I never have. It's 100000000000000% on her, too. When you own mother agrees that one of her children is totally to blame for the distain of the other, you know you're not getting out of it. Her father is more of a covert narcissist, but boy oh boy is she a malignant narcissist! 

There's a song by All Time Low featuring Avril Lavigne called Fake as Hell, that I'd like to dedicate to the she-narc. "I know it's better if we both say so long and thanks for the memories. I'd like to say that it's been real, but it's been fake as hell." 

Anyhow...

I'm not dying inside. I'm already dead. I wish that either my body would follow suit, or my brain would correct itself quickly. Either way. I'm not going to be picky.

I Feel Pretty

 It's been a while.

So, winter mood swings are a thing, and they suck. I'm up, I'm down, I'm numb, I feel everything... It's a ride. I know winter is hard for many people, as winter usually spells out depression, so for those affected, I'm so sorry.

I did something that I didn't know would turn out so spectacularly, though. I bought something, because that's what I do. But the thing I bought this time actually helped me perk up quite a bit. I saw an ad on Facebook for Lily and Fox nail wraps. I looked at the site, and saw they were all on sale, so I took a chance and bought a bunch. I put on my first set, and my mood immediately lifted. Not because of the buying part, but because I actually feel pretty. Self care level: 100. 

I'm not sponsored by Lily and Fox, I'm simply telling you this because the company has been amazing to work with. You can email them, and you'll get some of the sweetest replies. I emailed them to ask if I could boost them here, and they were super sweet about it. It could have just been a "Sure", but it was a "How could we turn down this offer?" Check them out at lilyandfox.com for awesome nail wraps!

Back to my point...

Self care, especially during the dark, cold, yucky days of winter is super important. Some people take it too far and wind up thinking ONLY of themselves, but little things like doing your nails, taking a long shower, binging your favorite shows (without ignoring responsibilities, that is). Just find something that makes you happy. I can't believe how much better I feel just because my nails look all pretty. 

Friends, you matter. Your happiness matters. If you're struggling right now, know that it'll end. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes, there's a skylight in the long tunnel for moments that get you through the darkest parts.