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Friday, December 22, 2017

Death is Painful

Nobody warned me that my life would be hell.

I’m dying. Slowly and painfully. At least, that’s how it feels. I feel like screaming during the day, but the nights are worse.

Every illness, mental or physical, gets worse at night. Since I’m a trained physician, I’ll tell you why. Or maybe I’ll just muse with my own opinions since I know nothing about this. In my opinion, it’s because you’ve fought all day long, you’ve had to, and at night, you get tired of doing just that. You let your guard down and every bit of pain you’ve suppressed all day rushes in and you’re flooded with every emotion you’re capable of at the moment.

Yes, nights are hard. Tonight is particularly difficult. I took a Xanax to see if that would keep it at bay, but no luck. The absolute worst part of nights right now, for me, is that I sleep for MAYBE two hours a night. The rest of the night,  I lay in bed, listening to my clocks tick. Fun, eh?

I haven’t slept more than five hours in quite a while. I’m not tired during the day. One symptom of mania is a lack of need for sleep, so I’m completely awake. Now if only I had something to do... I’ve got two crochet projects I’m working on, I’ve rearranged my room, and I’ve cleaned up parts of the house. Nothing holds my interest for more than a few minutes. Like, right now, I’m watching a movie I’ve been dying to see. I have no idea what’s going on because my mind is elsewhere. 

Oh well. Two more weeks and I can start my new meds. I’ll just look forward to that for now.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

You. Out. Now.

I’m so beyond over this...

My head is spinning, I’ve got more energy than a three-year-old, and all I want to do is cry because I have exactly zero control over this. Just once, I’d like to be able to choose my mood. Like you always hear people saying, “Happiness is a choice.” Well my “happiness” comes with severe irritation and irrational, destructive behaviour.

I’m never this manic for this long. It usually lasts a week, maximum. I’ve been here for nearly 2 months now. I’m ready for it to be over.

You’d think that if I told my med manager that I’m manic, they’d put me on a downer. Not mine, tho! Oh no. She gave me a THIRD upper! Genius, right? A few weeks later, I asked for Depakote. I got a low dose, just 250 mg. It looked like it was working! But then it just kind of stayed where it was. It didn’t make me all better. Today, my dose was raised to 500. I pray this helps because I’m pretty sure I’ve lost more friends. Or at least ticked them off.  Like I said... destructive behaviour.

Prayers, thoughts, and good vibes welcome!