Christmas Z’s

Words. Those are things, right.

Anyone who has had their meds adjusted at all, can understand the oh-so-fun side effects. And when things are that far off, it’s difficult to be nice to basically anyone.

I’ve spent the last month or so on Depakote because, well, mania. It started out all right, for the most part. Then one day, it decided to make me super tired. It started out with sleeping nine to ten hours per night, but now I’m sleeping a good fifteen to eighteen hours a day. And even when I’m awake, I’m tired.

As you can imagine, this makes me feel so very useful. And since today is Christmas, there’s loads to do. Cooking, cleaning, being awake long enough to open presents... Thankfully, the thing I’m forced to call “sister” didn’t come over as early as it usually does, so I got a nap. I’ve been awake from that nap for two hours now, and I’m already needing another.

In other news... I hope you and yours had a very Merry Christmas 🎄 Spend time with the people you actually like. Don’t ever feel obligated to spend it with family if there are members who feel the need to treat you like trash. You deserve better than that. If you have to, do what I do when “sister” comes over: I bury my nose in a book, and block everything and everyone out.

Santa, Baby

Christmas. It’s a thing. Have a happy one.

As Christmas is like, super close, I thought I’d say something about it.

I know everyone has their list; things wanted or needed. I, however, would like to take the price tag off and offer something else. Yes, this is random. Deal with it.

For Kate: A kept hope that you will get a child of your own. You are always in my prayers.

For Anna: Hopes that you find happiness so far away from your family and friends.

For Kierstin: May your anxieties be hushed as you continue to grow. Know that I’m behind you 100%.

For Berkeley: May that stupid foot of yours finally get better! It’s beyond ridiculous.

For my mom: Hopes that the year goes by quickly and you have a happy retirement afterward!

For my aunt Ria: Prayers of support as you go through this tough time.

For Jemma & Lee: As you bring your new daughter into your lives, may you find joy in the harder times.

For Rose & Glen: Prayers you find happiness in your lives, work, and family.

For Amber: A big, BIG hug and know that I’m always here!

For Crystal: Again, congrats on the new job, and may it be everything you hope, and more!

I know I can’t do everyone, but Happy Christmas, and a great New Year for everyone ❤️

Last Place

*Quippy opening line goes here*

You know those friends? The ones you’d do anything for, whether you talk a lot or not? If they asked you to jump the Grand Canyon, you’d do it. I’m that person. However, I don’t have someone like that.

I’ve got a few good friends, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. It would just be nice to have a do-anything-for-you friend like everyone else has. 

Someone puts up a fundraiser, I’m first in line to share or donate (if I can). I put up a fundraiser, nothing. Someone posts something personal and emotional online, and they have hundreds of supporters. I do it, and it’s ignored.

I’ve come to accept the fact that I am simply someone created to create a sense of obligation in others. Not a strong enough sense to have anyone actually do anything, just enough to keep me as a Facebook friend. My happiness has  never been a factor. I simply exist to keep a seat warm.

I feel as though my role in life is to experience as many difficulties as possible so God can judge the charity of those around me. Feels real good to know I was never meant to be happy. Fuzzy bunnies couldn’t make me happier.

You want to know the best part? I won’t stop walking on coals for my friends. It’s just who I am. I’ll get nothing in return, and I’ll silently hold it against you, but I will always be there for you. Because that’s what friends do.

The Smaller Side Of Mental Health

Not my usual post, but hopefully it’ll get to the right people.

I’ve got a friend/sorority sister whose son, well, I’ll let you read for yourself. I copied this from her Facebook... Yes, I took the names out.

A lot can happen in the lives of our children that we never share with others. (Not just because husband’s in information security 😂)

 The good and the not so good often go un-posted and even just unsaid to anyone outside of our families and close friends. But it's time to open up about one of the hardest things that we are going through as a family. 

Our sweet son has been diagnosed with some unique challenges with Anxiety and Oppositional Defiant Disorder that we have been working with for a few years now, More recently he's also been diagnosed with Celiacs and juvenile RA. It's been such a learning experience for our whole family, but husband said it best in one of my many times of stress..."he came to us because you CAN do this, you CAN help him." #blessedwifemoment

I know God trusts us.

So from the suggestion of his Dr and therapist, through many, many prayers I finally could not deny any longer that we were supposed to get a dog, and train them as a service dog, to help our son.

This is not an easy or inexpensive process and we've been working on getting one for quite a while now. It's been though for is to decide what we can cut out of our lives to save money and what our family, especially the other 3  kids still needs to feel like this son isn't talking over or lives-even though many days he does.

We are so lucky to have some friends set up a Go Fund Me on our family's behalf. Donate if you can, share if you are willing, say a prayer or send good vibes that this will all work out and that we can help our sweet son. ❤️ #thankyou #wecandothis 

You can help here

The Most Horrible Time Of The Year

One. Één. Uno. Une.

Holidays are hard for many people, and for many reasons. For me, it’s because it’s just me. Single, unattached me. Everyone’s talking about their spouse and/or kids, and I’m all, “I’ve got my mom, two narcissists, and a brother-in-law.” No husband, no boyfriend, not even a date.

The last actual relationship I had was in 2007. It ended because he was 27 and ready to get married, and I had just turned 21 and wasn’t ready for that. Instead of waiting, he booked it. Yeah... that made me feel super worth it.

And now I’m significantly overweight, and not even fat guys wanna get to know the personality behind the pounds. Plus, when you’re over 25 and single in Utah, you’re basically labelled “defective” and a “lost cause”. 

Best part is seeing everyone’s family pictures, and hearing about traditions. Awesome.

So I’m not super festive. Bite me.

In other news: I’ve got a broken tooth and no way to cover the cost of the crown. If you enjoy my blog, a spectacular way to show it would be to donate 

HERE

Beware Of Resident: She Bites

I’m angry that I’m angry, and that makes me angry.

The picture most people have of mania is pure elation. Super happy and carefree. Those who watched “ER” would have seen a wider picture of the quicker-than-light switch to a “freak out”. What most people do not see is the anger.

Now, I know everyone experiences mania in their own way. You may be the one who is the happiest person alive during an episode. I, however, get annoyed, agitated, and straight up angry.

I learned the hard way to keep the majority of it off the internet. This time, I told friends that they’re better off not talking to me. Apparently this did not sink in, which lead to a shouting post to leave me be. 

I’m one of those who is super picky with those I will talk to when I feel particularly yucky. There are exactly 3. Outside of my therapist, of course. They know who they are, and I would hope they know why. 

I have lost friends (well, more like “friends”) through manic episodes. I’m not nice to mostly anyone, and anyone who hits that itty bitty last nerve is going to get a full-force verbal punch to the face.

So, please, let me be. My brain is giving me  a time ten million times harder than anything I’m giving you. No calls, no texts, no emails, no messages, no cards, not even smoke signals. None of those things (or any other form of communication you can come up with) will earn you a pleasant response. I will bite, your feelings will get hurt, and in the occasion you take this warning as a joke, you will no longer be part of my life. 

This, friends, is mania.

Kindness Is Contagious

Random acts of kindness are fun.

Ok, so I went to lunch with my mom today. We went to a place right across from the high school, so we were expecting loud, obnoxious teenagers. Granted, that’s like, every teenager on the planet, but still.

Anyhow, we get there behind four high school boys, and I was less than thrilled. You can imagine my reaction when they were, get this, quiet and respectful! They waited their turn, didn’t make the entire restaurant privy to their conversation by shouting, and cleaned up after themselves! 

When my mom and I left, I snapped a picture of the car and its plates. Here comes the fun part...

Schools are all too used to getting calls from people complaining about their students, so I decided to flip that. When I was finally transferred to the school police officer, I explained the situation, gave her the car info, and asked her to thank those four boys for behaving so nicely. 

You never know how far a simple compliment can go. You’ll never know how your behaviour affects that stranger you didn’t even talk to. Especially this time of year, patience and kindness are desperately needed and, when given, very much appreciated.

A challenge for everyone: Do five things that help someone else. Move a shopping cart out of the way, pick up the toy the stressed mother’s baby threw on the ground for the millionth time, tell someone they look nice... There are endless possibilities.

Go forth and be kind!

It’s A No From Me

Picture this...

If our moods had to audition for America’s Got Talent, how many would actually make the next round? Let’s see...

Depression: No desire to get out of bed, can barely lift limbs,  doesn’t want to talk despite need to, but really good at crying.

Mania: Annoyed at every little thing, overly critical of others and self, suicidal ideation typically higher, but house is super clean.

“Normal”: Doesn’t really know how to feel because you’re used to feeling so much, but can smile without crying inside, and can tolerate obnoxious people and situations.

Simon Cowell would have a blast with these. He asks Depression if they have a dog, sends Normal to the next round, and is afraid Mania will take his place as most critical and feared judge.

For the last couple weeks now, I have been so manic that I seriously can’t stand being in my own brain. I’ve got music on almost all day. When it’s not on, I’m reading or using Duolingo to learn Dutch, and even watching TV. 

I don’t like this. 

I hate this.