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Saturday, February 22, 2020

Fed Up

The reigning narcissist is at it again!

Ok, so the house we live in is... special. It has more problems than an entire city. If someone flushes the toilet while I’m in the shower, I get burned. When they turn on the sink to wash their hands right after, it rivals liquid nitrogen. Back and forth. Super fun. Wires are put together in no particular order, and I’m pretty sure it was partially built with popsicle sticks. **Disclaimer: My parents didn’t know any of this when they bought it. The original family lied thru their teeth** 

Tonight, we had what is quite possibly our 300,000th disaster. Backstory: I found a wet spot on the carpet yesterday. No big. Then it grew... a lot. Come to find out tonight that the wet spot goes all along the cupboard. Fantastic. Best part is that, in his highness’s hoarding, we’ve had a stack of extremely heavy boxes of flooring, sitting in the spot we need to get to, for around 15 years. “I’m going to redo our kitchen floor”... said the man who won’t even paint.

Obviously, we had to move those boxes to get to where we could see the floor. He decides that the perfect place for these boxes is exactly one inch away from my beautiful, and irreplaceable, wood music stand. Awesome. I moved them a whole six inches over, so my beloved stand wouldn’t even get close to getting hit. This was unacceptable. The narcissist moved them back. Why? Because he can’t be so inconvenienced as to have to walk six inches further to look out the front window. Heaven forbid! The world may end! I mean, how else is he supposed to know exactly what the neighbors are doing? Six. Inches.

I’m done just threatening to get rid of things. Things that haven’t even been seen in years? Buh-bye! Actual garbage? See ya! And to keep with the thought process of a narcissist, if I don’t need it, it gets trashed. 

I’m done living in a landfill that requires a hazmat suit to enter.

Wednesday, February 19, 2020

Music Speaks

I've got a quote on my bedroom wall that reads, "Where Words Fail, Music Speaks". It's all decked out with notes and curly... stuff. ANYHOW... My point is that, music affects everyone. It can calm you down, get you pumped, and get out those feelings we all have stored deep inside.

I've got so many playlists across all the apps and devices I use for music, that it can take ten solid minutes to find just the right one. I've got one for every emotion, every type of day, and one for each of my favorite artists with their greatest hits.

More often than not, I'm blasting something through any speaker I can connect to. I search for new stuff every day. This is then posted to my other blog (shameless plug in 3... 2... 1... Rie's Views).

"So what's your favorite genre?" Yes. I'll admit that I can't stand metal, hardcore punk, or rap, but I'm open to anything else.

Music affects everyone, all over the world, in many different ways. Check out some of my latest finds below (and click HERE)










Monday, February 17, 2020

I Give

I’m done.

I have nobody to talk to. If I text anyone about something the narcissist has done, it goes ignored. If I text pretty much anyone about a bad day, it’s either ignored, or turned around on that person's bad day. If I try to talk to my mom about the narcissistic hoarder, even if she, herself, was complaining about the exact same thing just five minutes ago, she gets mad at me. If I try to use ASL with her, she nods as if she understands, yet gets maybe one word. That is, when she doesn’t look away altogether. She’s not trying to learn the language at all. I’m putting in a truckload of effort to learn Dutch for her, yet she won’t even practice the ASL alphabet. 

Best part is that I’m expected to be the sounding board for EVERYONE! You had a bad day? I’m here. If I’m not 100% sympathetic to everything someone says, they get upset. If I call out the fact that you don’t listen to me, I’m suddenly a horrible person.

Every single one of my friends has a spouse they can talk to, they have family members they can talk to, and they have me. Every single day, they have support. I have support twice a month when I see my therapist. That’s a total of ninety minutes per month that I have to really talk out my problems. I try reaching out to friends, but at best, I get the “I’m sorry you have to deal with that” response. Thanks, but, like you, I need people to actually talk to. 

I’ve never had the support system everyone else has. My only sibling is as narcissistic as her adoring sad-sack of a father, my mother (whether she believes it or not) has been conditioned by the narcissist to bow to him so as to avoid confrontation, and my friends all have their own families and circles in the states they’ve moved to. I have zero friends in my entire state. Nobody to see a movie with, go to dinner with, or simply get out to a park with. I. Have. Nothing.

“Go out and meet people!” Right. If you’re saying that, you’ve obviously never been to Utah. You’ve got 2 options: Mormon churches and bars. Both are no-go for me. And now that my hearing is going, it makes it even harder. Yes, I’ve got hearing aids, but they’re more a pain than they are a help. I can’t hear hardly anything in a crowded room. Hearing people don’t want to be bothered, and the deaf community doesn’t accept late-deafened because we’re too “hearing-minded” (who woulda thunk?).

I am alone.

Thursday, February 6, 2020

Support

The wonder that is social media...

Some of you may remember that, after I returned from the UK in September 2018, I lost some of my hearing. It’s progressive nerve damage that could take 50%-70%, depending on which doctor you ask. I have hearing aids, but believe me when I say they are no substitute for actual hearing.

A couple weeks ago, I stopped in at my local Deaf center to find out when ASL classes are. The woman up front was deaf (duh!). I’m sure my very limited sign skills are a joke around the office, but I did manage to understand that classes are full until this Fall.

Not being able to hear as well has put me in a space where I’m basically alone. When I’m in a restaurant, or trying to talk to more than one person, it’s near impossible to catch everything. It feels like when you go to a foreign country and have no idea what the locals are saying. You’re outside, looking in. It’s very isolating.

I found a group on Facebook for deaf and hard of hearing (HOH), and oh my wow... They’ve got so many helpful hints and ways to deal with what’s happening! Books, tips, understanding. It’s like a whole new world has opened up!

I’m usually not a supporter of social media. It creates too many problems. This, however, is a great use of it. Creating groups where people can connect with similar people with similar experiences. A+