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Sunday, August 31, 2014

I'm Baaaack!

I'd need a TARDIS so I can go back and actually see what I look like when I feel like this.

So, for the last 2 weeks or so, I've been feeling a bit normal. Not your normal, my normal. I had been on lithium (for the 3rd time) for almost 2 months, but my levels got too high (as usual) so I had to stop taking it. And as my lithium levels lowered, I could feel myself drift back into my normal. Ups, downs, in-betweens. The last 2 weeks or so, I've been alternating between hypomanic and mixed states.

For those who don't know: a mixed state is being both up and down simultaneously, and hypomania is basically a fancy term for controlled mania. Hypo consists of high energy, attention overload, and delusions of grandeur. Ok, there's way more to it than that, but those are the key points I face.

So, if you can imagine, the last few weeks have not been a pony ride. Last night (as is usual with my hypo) I had a break down. This isn't your basic, "I'm sad and need to cry" thing. Oh no. This is an all encompassing pain that renders me crippled for several hours. It hurts so badly that I can hardly walk, talking is impossible (unless basic vowel sounds count as language), and breathing becomes a major issue. Oh, and let's not forget the best part: the red, puffy, bloodshot eyes that scream "frat party."

Fun fact: I actually take a selfie every time to remind myself that, even though I look like I got a bee sting to the face, I survived this storm.

So, I'm big into hiding my emotions and standing on my own two feet, but like I said a few weeks ago, we all need support. The amazing, inspirational woman I email is, well, amazing, but she's not right here. So, I may not have the empathetic support of a friend, but I've got something I think is better: a sympathetic mom. She will drop whatever and just come wrap her arms around me and let me cry (and sometimes scream) until I feel like talking. She may not understand how I feel, but she understands that sometimes I can't do it on my own.

My mom ROCKS!

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