My father has a habit of telling me, "I'll just say it to mom," when we're all in the same room. Not sure if it's this way with everyone else, but when I'm sitting at the table, literally two feet away, I can hear what he's saying. Every time he does this, it just confirms everything I've ever thought about not being wanted. My mother has recently picked up this habit.
It's not just about being unwanted, it's a blow to any confidence or sense of self-worth I've managed to build up. When they do this, they basically deem me a "non-entity." I don't have room in my limited ego to constantly take blows like that. As it is, I wake up every day hoping to go back to sleep because I can't do any good for anyone when I'm awake. I just seem to get in the way.
Tonight, this blow has sent me spiraling. In the five minutes it's taken me to think out and type this, I've gone from, "Fine, I'll leave," to "How many pills do I have and what mix will do it?"
They'll only learn of my feelings on this if they actually read this because, I, too, have a habit- not showing the person who has hurt me that they did, indeed, hurt me. That goes back to my tormented days as Brooke's doormat.
So tonight, I'll silently cry myself to sleep, praying (as usual) to not wake up.
"I Am, I Said"~ Neil Diamond
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