Scholastic Endeavors

The feels!

I'm twenty-nine years old and I finally feel like my life is beginning. Last week when I saw my therapist, she suggested I go to school for social media marketing since I've built up my blog and done so much on my own. Problem: there's only one school with an associate's degree in social media marketing and that school happens to be a strict LDS (Mormon) school. I have to live a certain way and get endorsements from two of my church leaders. OK, so maybe not so much a problem as it sounds, but I'm getting increasingly more nervous that I'm not going to be getting the endorsement I need from one of them. Why? I made the mistake of being honest and telling him that I currently drink coffee. Yeah, I'm a genius.

Side note: For those who may not know, the LDS people aren't really supposed to drink coffee. What can I say? I'm a rebel.

Anyway, I'm both excited and incredibly nervous about starting school again for several reasons.

1. I'm almost thirty years old and everyone in my classes will be eighteen.
2. I've never been good at school. I never had good study habits and most of my homework never got done.
3. The classes at this school are super small (or so I've heard) and that means I'll be noticed and called on to answer things. Can you say "panic attack"?
4. I'm excited because maybe, just maybe, I can finish something for once in my life.

My parents never got to see either of their children graduate high school, so I'm hoping that I can get through this so they can see me walk at graduation. They deserve it.

I need all your prayers/good vibes/whatever that I get this endorsement and then get accepted to the school. Thanks in advance! I guess y'all are psychic and read this before it posted because I just got the call that I got the endorsement!!!

Mood Swings Suck

Seriously?!

Dear mood swings,

You are unwelcome and incredibly ill-timed. Here I am having a grand old time with friends, and you have to come in and mess everything up. One tiny trigger and boom! Depression's basement.

I've been feeling good lately and you had to come in an ruin it. Why can you never mind your own freaking business?! 

In closing, mood swings, we need to break up. I'm over you and have moved on. I'm in love with stability so lose my number. We're over.

Seriously! I'd been fine for weeks, then out of nowhere I get manic. Minor, but still noticeable. Then a couple days later, I'm having coffee with two of my good friends and I dive right down to Hell's pit. I'm sure they noticed. I hate this! I'm on meds for a reason. They're supposed to keep me from these infernal swings.

I'm seriously about ready to cry I'm so frustrated. I've been enjoying my little piece of normal and it's been ripped away from me in the most obnoxious way known to man. No warning, no hints that these were coming. Just hit me like a bus.

I've always been rapid cycling. I can change moods three to five times each day when I'm not on meds, but the annoying this is that I am on meds now. I'm beyond tired of this up-down-up-down nonsense.

I just figured out why this is happening... I feel like a friggin genius.

Ladies, does this happen to you or am I just blessed? I'd like to know if any of you lovelies get this way. I've always known that my mood swings were drastic. That's why it's been such a hard road finding the right meds. Ladies, do your meds prevent PMS mood swings or do you feel like I do?

Fear Not

I'm in shock.

Tuesday night, I had the pleasure of meeting my new bishop (leader of our congregation) and for the third time in my life I was floored. This was the third person in the history of me who hasn't physically backed off when I brought up the dreaded "B word." Yes folks, I said I have Bipolar Disorder and he just sat there... smiling! Not that creepy "sucks to be you" kind of thing, but smiling out of genuine interest in me and my struggles.

The other two people to do this were a lady in the congregation and a friend of mine who's mother also suffers. It's nice to have these encounters because it means that the stigmas are falling. Slowly but surely we are breaking the molds that society has placed on us. 

We all know how it is with stigmatisers- they're the ones telling us it's all in our heads, asking if we're going to shoot up the place, and telling us to just get over it- but there are those kind souls who aren't afflicted who sympathise. The real golden ticket is the one who doesn't jump back at the drop of something besides depression. I've found three.

There are millions of things I wish people understood about mental illness in general, but a few things I wish they knew about Bipolar Disorder are:

• It's not our fault we have it
• Most of us aren't violent
• We struggle more internally than you'll ever see
• Medications help, but they're not miracle workers
• All we need is a little patience and compassion
• We have exactly zero control over our moods
• Rapid Cycling is exactly what it sounds like
• You don't need to be afraid

I've learned that there really are people out there who understand this last concept. I just wish there were more. Until there are, I'll cherish these three encounters with all my heart.

To those who sympathise, empathise, and try to understand us... Thank You!

Ennui

So very bored...

So I have absolutely nothing to do. I'm looking for work, but with my limited schedule, it's extremely difficult. Even volunteering takes more than two 4-hour shifts per week, typically. Plus there aren't very many appealing volunteer opportunities in my area.

Now on to my point: I'm stagnating. I'm not doing anything productive or of consequence. I drag myself out of bed around ten o'clock, I exercise at night and sometimes during the day, I watch Netflix, and I go to bed. Most days I don't even bother to shower. Today I had to because I actually got to get out of the house for a doctor appointment. After that, I went to the library to pick up some holds (Falling In Reverse. Great band.).

My poor Fitbit doesn't get above three thousand steps each day. I got the thing to motivate me to move more, but when I'm stuck in the house, it's hard to get any movement. I won't even talk about my rapidly diminishing attention span...

All this nothing is affecting me psychologically. I'm getting depressed again. I'm on a magical mix of medications that has stopped my extreme mood swings and has kept me out of my normal cycle, but this whole "nothing to do" thing is really wearing on me.

Thursdays are kind of my own personal hell, though. I have been going to a DBT group headed up by my lovely therapist. It's loud. I don't do well with loud. Not just that... I'm not the one to burden others with my issues (hey... you read this of your own free will...). In like, I'm not the one to have others lay their issues on me. Yeah, I'll be there for a friend, but these people aren't my friends. They're strangers who happen to be at the same place at the same time (sorry if y'all are reading this).

Thursday night, however, is friend night. I get together for coffee with a good friend every Thursday night. Well, evening, but you get my point. It's nice to get out of the house and talk.

Basically, my life is empty (except for Thursday evening) and I can't deal with it this way much longer.